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Should I give my husband an ultimatum?

Posted by on Jan. 2, 2014 at 8:52 PM
  • 126 Replies
1 mom liked this
We will be married 5 years in March and I'm very annoyed! He is working a dead beat job and hasn't received a pay raise in 3 years. I'm trying to be grateful that he even has a job because some woman somewhere is dealing with a man that won't work but when is enough, enough? He isn't forthcoming with information about looking for another job so that leads me to believe that he isn't looking.

I make twice as much as my hubby but I want more for us. If he isn't going to be proactive about taking care of his family as in me and our 15m old then maybe marriage isn't for us. I am at a point where I am considering giving him an ultimatum. If nothing changes by June I'm done. I just feel like I can do bad myself.

I'm I wrong for feeling this way?


Edit Edit Edit Edit:
Let explain the point of my post. My concern isn't the fact that I make twice as much as him.I'm concerned because we have established goals. Nothing comes easy. I love my husband and if we he share the same goals then it takes equal the effort. 3 years without a raise being overworked and underpaid is concerning.
by on Jan. 2, 2014 at 8:52 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Serabeth06
by Bronze Member on Jan. 2, 2014 at 8:56 PM

Well, I'd probably try to have another conversation with him first, but I can understand how you feel. It's tough when you make twice as much as him. How does he feel about it? Does he like you making more, does he not want to change jobs because he's comfortable, or is he worried he couldn't get a better job? I'd try to figure out what's going on with him, and explain to him exactly why I wanted him to get a better job and move our family ahead. If you're just completely unhappy, and feel like you guys just want different things, do what your heart tells you.

Ladysigma07
by Bronze Member on Jan. 2, 2014 at 9:06 PM
He says that it doesn't bother him that I make more money but I believe it should. I'm tired of asking him and he just says that he is looking. I believe he is comfortable but come on no raise in 3 years is unacceptable.

Quoting Serabeth06:

Well, I'd probably try to have another conversation with him first, but I can understand how you feel. It's tough when you make twice as much as him. How does he feel about it? Does he like you making more, does he not want to change jobs because he's comfortable, or is he worried he couldn't get a better job? I'd try to figure out what's going on with him, and explain to him exactly why I wanted him to get a better job and move our family ahead. If you're just completely unhappy, and feel like you guys just want different things, do what your heart tells you.

USBrit
by Member on Jan. 2, 2014 at 9:12 PM
9 moms liked this

WOW! I think you are a sad woman for sure. What if you were making less than him? Would you enjoy being with someone who is thinking of leaving you just because you make less money? YIKES! I can tell you that in my past I made as much as 5 times more money than my hubby and he was a lawyer.....I was crazy about him and wouldn't think about the money aspect of our marriage at all. We ended up leaving our GREAT jobs and moving to another, warmer state and still were crazy about each other and our kids....less stress, more love, more warmer weather. We loved each other up and until the moment he took his last breath 11 years ago. I would have done anything to keep him with me, even if it meant giving up every penny

Ladysigma07
by Bronze Member on Jan. 2, 2014 at 9:17 PM
Wow, you think I'm sad. I am! I'm sad that my husband does not want more for us. What worked for your marriage works for yours. I love my husband but I see great things for us and he says he wants great things too but without a raise for 3 years let's be realistic. When it comes to me making less then my husband, he lives a lifestyle as though he is the head of the house. Which is fine however that includes providing. If I lost my job we couldn't even afford rent. Thank you for opinion...

Quoting USBrit:

WOW! I think you are a sad woman for sure. What if you were making less than him? Would you enjoy being with someone who is thinking of leaving you just because you make less money? YIKES! I can tell you that in my past I made as much as 5 times more money than my hubby and he was a lawyer.....I was crazy about him and wouldn't think about the money aspect of our marriage at all. We ended up leaving our GREAT jobs and moving to another, warmer state and still were crazy about each other and our kids....less stress, more love, more warmer weather. We loved each other up and until the moment he took his last breath 11 years ago. I would have done anything to keep him with me, even if it meant giving up every penny

sam12796
by Sandy on Jan. 2, 2014 at 9:22 PM
1 mom liked this

 Maybe he is scared to start over? I think you need to have a heart to heart talk with him. IT shouldn't be about the fact you make more money. That should be irrelevant. What is relevant is the fact that he should want better and more for your family. IF he is busting his ass at work and not appreciated then maybe someone else will appreciate him. IF he is just going with the flow not caring well that would account for no raise. I make twice my husbands salary. I have been doing the job longer than he has been at his. Yes he is getting raises. Small but getting them. The fact that I make more doesn't make me dislike him. He is a hard working great husband who adores his family and will do anything he can for us.

USBrit
by Member on Jan. 2, 2014 at 9:29 PM

How can you say that you love him, when you are thinking of leaving him because he makes less than you and seems to be happy in doing just what he is doing. That's not love, that's selfishness. You are basically saying that your marriage only has value if he is able to provide for YOU. I hope that he sees the light and takes up on your threat for someone who can truly love him for him! Again, are you able to just put yourself in his shoes and think how it would feel to be thought of in the manner that you are thinking....that you would only have value to him if you made money. Again SAD!

Quoting Ladysigma07: Wow, you think I'm sad. I am! I'm sad that my husband does not want more for us. What worked for your marriage works for yours. I love my husband but I see great things for us and he says he wants great things too but without a raise for 3 years let's be realistic. When it comes to me making less then my husband, he lives a lifestyle as though he is the head of the house. Which is fine however that includes providing. If I lost my job we couldn't even afford rent. Thank you for opinion...

Quoting USBrit:

WOW! I think you are a sad woman for sure. What if you were making less than him? Would you enjoy being with someone who is thinking of leaving you just because you make less money? YIKES! I can tell you that in my past I made as much as 5 times more money than my hubby and he was a lawyer.....I was crazy about him and wouldn't think about the money aspect of our marriage at all. We ended up leaving our GREAT jobs and moving to another, warmer state and still were crazy about each other and our kids....less stress, more love, more warmer weather. We loved each other up and until the moment he took his last breath 11 years ago. I would have done anything to keep him with me, even if it meant giving up every penny


Ladysigma07
by Bronze Member on Jan. 2, 2014 at 9:30 PM
I thought about that... And maybe everyone is misunderstanding. My concern isn't the fact that I make twice as much but more because I see so much more for us. He states that he wants more too but that includes having a drive for it... If I lost my job we couldn't even pay rent. I love my husband but he walks around taking about I'm the head of this house, I want to go their and I want to do this, I have to reflect on the fact for the past 3 years he worked for an employer who does not appreciate him. He says that he's going to the corporate office not nothing yet. Thank you for response..

Quoting sam12796:

 Maybe he is scared to start over? I think you need to have a heart to heart talk with him. IT shouldn't be about the fact you make more money. That should be irrelevant. What is relevant is the fact that he should want better and more for your family. IF he is busting his ass at work and not appreciated then maybe someone else will appreciate him. IF he is just going with the flow not caring well that would account for no raise. I make twice my husbands salary. I have been doing the job longer than he has been at his. Yes he is getting raises. Small but getting them. The fact that I make more doesn't make me dislike him. He is a hard working great husband who adores his family and will do anything he can for us.

notjstanothrmom
by Ruby Member on Jan. 2, 2014 at 9:31 PM
4 moms liked this
And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high...
Ladysigma07
by Bronze Member on Jan. 2, 2014 at 9:38 PM
I'm sorry but I believe your misunderstanding! Our marriage is not contingent upon whether or not I make more money then him. My issue is the fact the I want more for us and he says he wants more for us. If he wants more then it's in the doing. If someone wants more not just for their marriage but for themselves then they work for it. So, if someone wants more they wouldn't allow themselves to work for an employer where they are unappreciated and not receiving any raises. As stated previously, I love my husban if didn't I would not have married him. I do appreciate your opinion however I would just like to understand that we have have set goals that come to pass off we both aren't on the same page.

Quoting USBrit:

How can you say that you love him, when you are thinking of leaving him because he makes less than you and seems to be happy in doing just what he is doing. That's not love, that's selfishness. You are basically saying that your marriage only has value if he is able to provide for YOU. I hope that he sees the light and takes up on your threat for someone who can truly love him for him! Again, are you able to just put yourself in his shoes and think how it would feel to be thought of in the manner that you are thinking....that you would only have value to him if you made money. Again SAD!

Quoting Ladysigma07: Wow, you think I'm sad. I am! I'm sad that my husband does not want more for us. What worked for your marriage works for yours. I love my husband but I see great things for us and he says he wants great things too but without a raise for 3 years let's be realistic. When it comes to me making less then my husband, he lives a lifestyle as though he is the head of the house. Which is fine however that includes providing. If I lost my job we couldn't even afford rent. Thank you for opinion...



Quoting USBrit:

WOW! I think you are a sad woman for sure. What if you were making less than him? Would you enjoy being with someone who is thinking of leaving you just because you make less money? YIKES! I can tell you that in my past I made as much as 5 times more money than my hubby and he was a lawyer.....I was crazy about him and wouldn't think about the money aspect of our marriage at all. We ended up leaving our GREAT jobs and moving to another, warmer state and still were crazy about each other and our kids....less stress, more love, more warmer weather. We loved each other up and until the moment he took his last breath 11 years ago. I would have done anything to keep him with me, even if it meant giving up every penny


Ladysigma07
by Bronze Member on Jan. 2, 2014 at 9:40 PM
Yes, we do! As I was explaining to someone else. We have established goals for our marriage. But we are not on the same page how can we expect anything to come to pass. Me making twice as much isn't the issue but the fact is if we want to achieve the things wet desire it takes work. Thank you for comment.

Quoting notjstanothrmom: And we wonder why the divorce rate is so high...
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