The Wonderful World of VoodooVixen: 10 Disgusting Things About Being a Parent
My brain has been going ninety mph this morning.
Feed the voodoo baby! Check. Take the semi chewed, mushy banana off the couch because voodoo baby decided to spit it out! Check and disgusting.
This made me start thinking. As moms disgusting is, I regret to say, part of our job. We clean up everything from pee, poop, vomit, and that mystery thing that we found stuffed between the couch cushion. You know the thing you can't tell if it was food or not because it has hair that it is either growing or it accumulated over the time it was hidden there. From the moment we give birth the Eww factor sets in. Meconium diapers anyone? For those that have not had children yet, meconium is that pleasant first diaper of black tar ooze that has come out of that precious bundle of joy. It consists of amniotic fluid, mucus, bile and the remnants of our past ancestor the Monster from the Black Lagoon.
of poop adventures they don't stop there. My child has on many
occassion put her hand down her pull ups to pull out a poop covered
finger which she shoves in my face and says "eww!". Yes child, I know
that is eww and mommy definitely doesn't want it in her face. This
happens with a miriad of things other than poo. I have had too many
mystery substances put in my face to list them all here. New mothers
But enough about bowel movements. Here is my top 10 list of disgusting things about being a parent. Enjoy and feel free to add your own in the comments :)
1. poop. Get used to it. It will be everywhere. Literally.
2. the thing in your car that is causing that mystery smell. Get used to it. It will be there for a long time.
3. The umbilical cord stump will fall off. Yes it will stink, what else do you expect of a piece of rotting flesh attached to your babies stomach.
4. If your child grabs your hand be prepared, something semi-chewed, warm and particularly mushy is about to hit your palm.
5. Speaking of hands, be prepared to catch vomit because when they are young they don't understand to run to the toilet. All you can do is save your carpets, bedding and whatever else is in the projectile zone by trying to catch as much of it as you can.
6. You will enounter head lice. One day you will get a note from the school telling you that they have had an outbreak. That's right, your child's head will most likely at some point in time be teeming with bugs.
7. You reach into the bag of pretzels or chips and take a bite of your salty treat. Only to find out that the outerlayer is a bit wet and all the salt has been sucked off. That's right, your kid got into the bag or bowel and licked all the salt off and decide it would be nice to share and put the chip back.
8. Always bring extra clothes. Why? Because at some point in time you will be wearing something you probably don't want to wear. See all of the above for the possibilities of things you may not want to wear.
9. Your child will eat somthing they shouldn't. Dirt, tree bark, the cat's tail. Nothing is off limits.
10. There will be mystery items in the diaper. And mystery colors. And mystery smells. Again it really all goes back to poop. But don't freak out. Sometimes it isn't that your child ate a lego. It is more that your child hid the lego in their diaper for later, fogot it was there and proceeded to, yep you guessed it, poop on it.