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The CafeMom Newcomers Club The CafeMom Newcomers Club

Stepmom blues...encouragement needed

Posted by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 2:26 PM
  • 15 Replies
Hi ladies, I'm new to the group so bear with me ;-). I have a 12 yo stepson that lives with us. His mother is sporadically in the picture. My husband and I have been married for 1.5 years and together for 3.5. I just gave birth to my first child a year ago. I am having the most difficult time with this blended family situation. It has caused me to take time off work and seek counseling. Which is out of character for me. I am a professional woman with a successful career but this has brought me to my knees. It is a constant struggle between my husband and I and is causing marital problems. I am having respect and discipline issues with my stepson (lying and talking back) and my husband doesn't back me up. He simply overindulges the child with gifts and expensive shoes. Had I known that coping with this situation and trying to find it in my heart to love a stepchild would be this difficult for me I would have never married my husband. Now I feel trapped in my own home. Please share any success stories or words of encouragement. TIA!
by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 2:26 PM
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Replies (1-10):
withsecond
by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 2:37 PM
How were things between you before you got married?
JDM2012
by New Member on Jan. 19, 2014 at 2:41 PM
Things were really good between my husband and I. But if I'm honest, before we got married I was contemplating living him because of his son's behavior, but I got pregnant. I know how it sounds...but it's my reality
withsecond
by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 2:42 PM
1 mom liked this
You have to quote people if you want us to know you've responded.

Maybe you should try letting him handle your step son so you two aren't fighting about it?


Quoting JDM2012: Things were really good between my husband and I. But if I'm honest, before we got married I was contemplating living him because of his son's behavior, but I got pregnant. I know how it sounds...but it's my reality
CrunchMaMaBear
by Member on Jan. 19, 2014 at 2:45 PM
4 moms liked this
Hi. Im also a step mom to two preteen boys and a mom to dd2.the ultimate problem is your husband. Without his support in any thing regarding his child you will be helpless. I'm sorry but he will most likely parent your mutual child the same way . Your going to have a hard time loving this child because your husbands actions or lack there of are causing you to resent the child. Its not the child's fault his dad or mom didn't teach him basic respect for adults. That is the parents fault . My only advice is to disengage. This kid isn't your so don't try to parent him if your hubby won't back you up. Do not under any circumstances watch your step child with hubby being there. If he can't back you in discipline then you shouldn't be left in any position where you would have to. If he acts disrespectful to you, walk away from the situation and let your husbsnd handle it. Once you worry about your own child and less about your husbands , you will be happier and less stressed. Come join step mom central for more advice from other successful and struggling step mom. I wish you luck
JDM2012
by New Member on Jan. 19, 2014 at 2:49 PM
Thanks so much!! I just decided last week to disengage so I'm hoping that will help. It's so hard though to live in a house with a child and not engage with them. But you are absolutely right about the resentment. I'm nod joining stepmom central. Thx a million!

Quoting CrunchMaMaBear: Hi. Im also a step mom to two preteen boys and a mom to dd2.the ultimate problem is your husband. Without his support in any thing regarding his child you will be helpless. I'm sorry but he will most likely parent your mutual child the same way . Your going to have a hard time loving this child because your husbands actions or lack there of are causing you to resent the child. Its not the child's fault his dad or mom didn't teach him basic respect for adults. That is the parents fault . My only advice is to disengage. This kid isn't your so don't try to parent him if your hubby won't back you up. Do not under any circumstances watch your step child with hubby being there. If he can't back you in discipline then you shouldn't be left in any position where you would have to. If he acts disrespectful to you, walk away from the situation and let your husbsnd handle it. Once you worry about your own child and less about your husbands , you will be happier and less stressed. Come join step mom central for more advice from other successful and struggling step mom. I wish you luck
CrunchMaMaBear
by Member on Jan. 19, 2014 at 2:51 PM
1 mom liked this
What is the custody agreement? Is his bio mom in the picture. How offten are you left to care for ss?

Stepmom central Is for the thick skinned, just a warning. I love it though, very different opinions and points if view

Quoting JDM2012: Thanks so much!! I just decided last week to disengage so I'm hoping that will help. It's so hard though to live in a house with a child and not engage with them. But you are absolutely right about the resentment. I'm nod joining stepmom central. Thx a million!



Quoting CrunchMaMaBear: Hi. Im also a step mom to two preteen boys and a mom to dd2.the ultimate problem is your husband. Without his support in any thing regarding his child you will be helpless. I'm sorry but he will most likely parent your mutual child the same way . Your going to have a hard time loving this child because your husbands actions or lack there of are causing you to resent the child. Its not the child's fault his dad or mom didn't teach him basic respect for adults. That is the parents fault . My only advice is to disengage. This kid isn't your so don't try to parent him if your hubby won't back you up. Do not under any circumstances watch your step child with hubby being there. If he can't back you in discipline then you shouldn't be left in any position where you would have to. If he acts disrespectful to you, walk away from the situation and let your husbsnd handle it. Once you worry about your own child and less about your husbands , you will be happier and less stressed. Come join step mom central for more advice from other successful and struggling step mom. I wish you luck
CrunchMaMaBear
by Member on Jan. 19, 2014 at 2:56 PM
1 mom liked this
Also I don't think you should disengage as in ignore he is even in the room, I mean do the bare basics, hi , bye, how was school, exc. Short and sweet if he is still rude to yoy with the basics my personal advice is KILL THE KID WITH KINDNESS. Just keep saying hi, bye, how was school exc exc and hopefully over time he will realize you arw a good person with good intentions
JDM2012
by New Member on Jan. 19, 2014 at 2:56 PM
My husband has full custody of ss. His BM doesn't have regular visitation so SS is almost never away from the house. I try to minimize the time that I care for SS alone esp. since I have a busy 1 yo. Usually I'm just with him alone for a couple of hours after school

Quoting CrunchMaMaBear: What is the custody agreement? Is his bio mom in the picture. How offten are you left to care for ss?



Stepmom central Is for the thick skinned, just a warning. I love it though, very different opinions and points if view



Quoting JDM2012: Thanks so much!! I just decided last week to disengage so I'm hoping that will help. It's so hard though to live in a house with a child and not engage with them. But you are absolutely right about the resentment. I'm nod joining stepmom central. Thx a million!





Quoting CrunchMaMaBear: Hi. Im also a step mom to two preteen boys and a mom to dd2.the ultimate problem is your husband. Without his support in any thing regarding his child you will be helpless. I'm sorry but he will most likely parent your mutual child the same way . Your going to have a hard time loving this child because your husbands actions or lack there of are causing you to resent the child. Its not the child's fault his dad or mom didn't teach him basic respect for adults. That is the parents fault . My only advice is to disengage. This kid isn't your so don't try to parent him if your hubby won't back you up. Do not under any circumstances watch your step child with hubby being there. If he can't back you in discipline then you shouldn't be left in any position where you would have to. If he acts disrespectful to you, walk away from the situation and let your husbsnd handle it. Once you worry about your own child and less about your husbands , you will be happier and less stressed. Come join step mom central for more advice from other successful and struggling step mom. I wish you luck
JDM2012
by New Member on Jan. 19, 2014 at 3:03 PM
Things were really good between my husband and I. But if I'm honest, before we got married I was contemplating living him because of his son's behavior, but I got pregnant. I know how it sounds...but it's my reality

Quoting withsecond: How were things between you before you got married?
Sevendayshappy
by New Member on Jan. 19, 2014 at 3:19 PM

I would have to agree with the disengaging and kill with kindness when possible...my husband doesn't back me up either and it also have a fourteen month old and it's very hard....we have my 9 year old SS 50 percent of the time and it's hard....sometimes I have a party in my mind when he goes it his moms because it's peaceful...and honestly it's not his fault it's my husbands....he will takes food all over the house wakes my daughter up right after I finally get her down...walks up to her and yells rahhh in her face....it takes all I have for the seven days we have him....the seven days we don't I am in recovery:):):).....I am hoping as he gets older he won't come here as much and he will want to be in one household more because sometimes I don't know how much more I can take...

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