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My 16 year old daughter told me she lost her virginity to her 18 year old boyfriend two weeks ago. I'm not thrilled obviously but she insists she's going to do it whether I like it or not. She's on the pill and he says he always carries condoms.
Last week I got a call from the school that they were caught naked in the back seat of his car parked in a remote lot. They are in huge trouble with the school over it. Then last night, she was late getting home and I found them parked behind a church.
Here's my question. They are obviously going to have sex but they have no safe place to do it. Should I let them do it in her room? I don't want to give them permission but I don't want them having to register as sex offenders if they get caught in a public area. Help!!
by on Jan. 31, 2014 at 3:10 PM
Replies (11-20):
kadensmomma0708
by Member on Jan. 31, 2014 at 4:05 PM
2 moms liked this
WQuoting Bisciutsmom40: It wasn't during school. She's in a play and they practice late into the evening. She was already grounded and he drove to the school and she left play rehearsal to see him. He is a senior at the same school.
I definitely don't want to give them permission but I guess see sex differently. It's a basic biological drive and if they're going to do it regardless of what anybody says, I don't want it to ruin their lives.

Quoting kadensmomma0708:

Im not really sure how to respond to this.....Do you want them having sex in your house?  Do you have other kids? I know that would bother me, because it would be giving her permission.  DOes she know she can be a offender for it?  I just feel like if you are adult enough to have sex, you are adult enough to handle all the responsibilites that comes with it, like finding a place....that isnt a school parking lot.  Why wasnt she in school?  Does he go to school there, or has he graduated?  I would be pissed she left school to have sex, and got caught.   Your problem is you are too worried about being her friend, I would have had words with her and her boyfriend for gettin caught fuckin in the school parking lot.....Sigh. Best of luck though.

Why is she grounded?  Like I said, Im not saying she cant have sex, but I wouldnt be providing a place for her to have sex.  If they want to be adults and have sex, then they need to find a place to do it, that isnt going to get them arrested, and not in your house.

jhslove
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2014 at 4:11 PM
2 moms liked this

It sounds like she has too much freedom and doens't have the maturity to make good, responsible choices. It also sounds like this is less about sex for her and more about showing you what a big, grown-up girl she is. (Telling you that she's going to keep doing it "whether you like it or not", etc.)


The romance of the whole "star-crossed lovers" thing can be very attractive to girls that age. If his mom doesn't want them to be together, that probably just adds to it.

No, I would not allow them to have sex in her room.

Bisciutsmom40
by on Jan. 31, 2014 at 4:12 PM
I agree. She was grounded over having a low grade in one class.
You're right, I really don't want that going on in my house. They are so stupid though. Their hormones seem to be in total control.
feistymom2
by on Jan. 31, 2014 at 4:14 PM
1 mom liked this

My mom did the it's ok to have boys stay the night thing. I can guarantee you I will not and do not. Even as a teenager I found it weird that my mom was ok with me having boys in her home. She was so strict in other aspects. Having been a teeager who's mom allowed such nonsense I say 'NO WAY" why for the love of whatever you believe in would you condone such irresponsible behavior!? Stop being a friend and be a parent!! Please, she will thank you for it later!!

jhslove
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2014 at 4:18 PM
5 moms liked this

Hang on. She was already grounded and she left (ditched) play rehearsal to go have sex with her boyfriend? There are so many poor choices here, I don't even know where to start. It's very clear that she doesn't know how to make responsible decisions and can't handle even the freedom that she already has; I wouldn't recommend rewarding that by telling her that she can have sex with her boyfriend in your house.

Yes, sex is a biological drive. No, it's not inherently dirty or sinful. But that doesn't mean that everyone has to engage in it all the time, regardless of the consequences or anyone else's feelings about it. I would strongly recommend that you AND your daughter look into a comprehensive sexuality-education course like Our Whole Lives. Not only will she get the fact-based info that she needs to keep herself healthy and safe (and having sex in a car in a remote lot is definitely NOT safe), but she will hopefully learn the responsibility and maturity to make good decisions about her sexuality. I'll say it again--it sounds like this is less about her actually wanting to have sex and more about her wanting to show you that you can't control her.

Quoting Bisciutsmom40: It wasn't during school. She's in a play and they practice late into the evening. She was already grounded and he drove to the school and she left play rehearsal to see him. He is a senior at the same school.
I definitely don't want to give them permission but I guess see sex differently. It's a basic biological drive and if they're going to do it regardless of what anybody says, I don't want it to ruin their lives.

Quoting kadensmomma0708:

Im not really sure how to respond to this.....Do you want them having sex in your house?  Do you have other kids? I know that would bother me, because it would be giving her permission.  DOes she know she can be a offender for it?  I just feel like if you are adult enough to have sex, you are adult enough to handle all the responsibilites that comes with it, like finding a place....that isnt a school parking lot.  Why wasnt she in school?  Does he go to school there, or has he graduated?  I would be pissed she left school to have sex, and got caught.   Your problem is you are too worried about being her friend, I would have had words with her and her boyfriend for gettin caught fuckin in the school parking lot.....Sigh. Best of luck though.


Bisciutsmom40
by on Jan. 31, 2014 at 4:19 PM
I haven't allowed it and I don't want to allow it. I'm sort of at a loss for what to do.
jhslove
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2014 at 4:20 PM
2 moms liked this

This. Sex is an adult activity that comes with adult responsibilities.

Quoting kadensmomma0708:

Why is she grounded?  Like I said, Im not saying she cant have sex, but I wouldnt be providing a place for her to have sex.  If they want to be adults and have sex, then they need to find a place to do it, that isnt going to get them arrested, and not in your house.


jhslove
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2014 at 4:22 PM
1 mom liked this

It's par for the course. You know about all the studies that have shown that the part of their brains that controls decision making and weighing of consequences isn't developed yet at that age, right?

I look back on some of the sh*t that I did at that age and I just want to go back in time and shake myself. I'm lucky that I didn't end up with any life-altering consequences.

Quoting Bisciutsmom40: I agree. She was grounded over having a low grade in one class.
You're right, I really don't want that going on in my house. They are so stupid though. Their hormones seem to be in total control.


Bisciutsmom40
by on Jan. 31, 2014 at 4:26 PM
Life altering consequences are what worries me.

Quoting jhslove:

It's par for the course. You know about all the studies that have shown that the part of their brains that controls decision making and weighing of consequences isn't developed yet at that age, right?

I look back on some of the sh*t that I did at that age and I just want to go back in time and shake myself. I'm lucky that I didn't end up with any life-altering consequences.

Quoting Bisciutsmom40: I agree. She was grounded over having a low grade in one class.

You're right, I really don't want that going on in my house. They are so stupid though. Their hormones seem to be in total control.


jhslove
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2014 at 4:28 PM

That's why it's so important that she get the information she needs to be healthy and safe. Comprehensive sex ed won't take the risk down to 0%, but multiple studies have shown it to be correlated with lower rates of STDs and unplanned pregnancies, not to mention a higher likelihood of being able to recongize and get out of unhealthy relationships.

What state do you live in? Part of my job is overseeing the OWL program for the church I work for, so if you tell me where you live I can help hook you up with a class. In a general sense, you can find some basic info about the OWL program on the Unitarian Universalist Association's webiste here.

Quoting Bisciutsmom40: Life altering consequences are what worries me.

Quoting jhslove:


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