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Do you think happy marriages lead to a boring sex life?

Posted by on Feb. 10, 2014 at 10:36 AM
  • 7 Replies

If You Have a ‘Good Marriage,’ Then You Are Probably Having Bad Sex

by Kiri Blakeley

Can you ever have it all in a marriage? The compatibility, the stability, and the hot monkey love? An article in The New York Times posits that this is about as likely as winning the lotto six times in a row. The article delves deep into the theory, based on both scientific and anecdotal studies, that the more "equal" and happy a marriage is -- the more likely it is to fizzle in the bedroom.

At root, it seems, women -- or at least those who aren't on the pill -- like a take-charge dominant caveman-type in the bedroom. But a happy marriage often requires a partner who is sensitive, communicative, and happy to change diapers and help around the house and who has thoroughly beaten his cave dweller into submission. So apparently a lot of happily married couples who share in housework, finances, and childcare are less likely to be having hot horizontal mambo than the couple who regularly scream at each other. Whoo boy! Depressing?!

Writes the Times' author, Lori Gottlieb:

One woman in her late 30s, for instance, who has been in a peer marriage for 10 years, said during couples therapy that when she asked her husband to be more forceful, "rougher," in bed, the result was comical. "He was trying to do what I wanted," she explained, "but he was so ... careful. I don’t want him to ask, 'Are you O.K.?' I want him not to care if I'm O.K., to just, you know, not be the good husband and take charge ... [but] I don’t want him to take charge like that with anything else!"

There's a reason so many women are masturbating slobbering over Fifty Shades of Grey. Women have so much responsibility now, it's a grand fantasy to have a guy just take charge in the sack. But I think few would want that in every area of their marriage.

Said one sex-deprived hubby to Gottlieb:

Before we got married, we always said we'd have a 50-50 marriage, and you'd think that would be great for our sex life, but instead it’s the one area where we’re having trouble. Everything else is great. It's the sex we don’t agree on.

And just to make us all even more depressed, AARP relationships expert Pepper Schwartz says that a happy, equal marriage "can be something more siblinglike than erotic." She says:

When you're best friends with your partner, there’s less frisson. Introducing more distance or difference, rather than connection and similarity, helps to resurrect passion in long-term, stable relationships.

So are we all just screwed? Well, not screwed, because apparently no one is getting screwed. Except maybe couples who are at each other's throats all the time.

More From The Stir: Confession: I Like Fighting With My Husband

I guess it depends on your definition of "screwed." I, for one, would prefer a happy, stable, friendly marriage over one with lots of strife and lots of sex. I have had both types of relationships, and the latter type wore out its welcome long before the first type. Give me a best friend over a sex-crazed "rough" guy any day. As one guy puts it, "Is anal sex more important than your marriage?" (Yes! Just kidding.)

However, I also believe that, as long as you keep your expectations in check, you can have both. Every couple has their communication breakdowns, arguments, and times when you want to claw your darling's eyes out. So take all that negative energy and put it into some fierce lovin'!

Do you think happy marriages lead to a boring sex life?

by on Feb. 10, 2014 at 10:36 AM
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Replies (1-7):
NDADanceMom
by on Feb. 10, 2014 at 10:43 AM

LOL that isnt true at all.  My husband and I are very passionate and we are a happy couple.  

mamanightengale
by Member on Feb. 10, 2014 at 10:55 AM

Well, it all depends on what people consider boring. Some like intense, violent, fetishistic, some like things to br more mellow, less thatrical etc. All that matters is a mutual understanding and connection. So, i suppose that a happy marriage results with a satisfied sex life whatever that may entail. With age, the libido does wane, so maybe it may becomr fewer than when youre in your 20s lol. Im hoping we will still be like rabbits well into my 80s if the arthritis doesnt get in the way lol

mamanightengale
by Member on Feb. 10, 2014 at 10:56 AM


Quoting NDADanceMom:

LOL that isnt true at all.  My husband and I are very passionate and we are a happy couple.  

Def agree.

sunnysideup89
by on Feb. 11, 2014 at 10:59 AM

I like how the author writes, this article made me laugh!! I see where she's coming from...same time..it was good sex that brought me and hubs closer so its sort of a conundrum.

elasmimi
by Platinum Member on Feb. 11, 2014 at 11:51 AM

I think that is crazy. I'm not much for discussing my sex life, but I married my best friend, and we have been married 40 years now. I can honestly say I've never been bored in the bedroom.

auntangelofsix
by Silver Member on Feb. 11, 2014 at 12:04 PM
No not at all.
LucilleLemon
by on Feb. 12, 2014 at 2:04 PM
1 mom liked this

 I do believe a "healthy" sex life is necessary for a successful marriage. But I can't define "healthy" for anyone but myself. I would hate to think that because we don't partake the way the neighbors do, that our marriage is doomed.

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