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2kids 2dogs 3cats 8yrs and a Divorce?

Posted by on Feb. 21, 2014 at 1:53 AM
  • 24 Replies

 So my DH and I have been married for a year and a half.   Been together for almost 8yrs.  We haven't told many people and most of our family don't know.  We was going to have a big wedding but money is  tight ect.,   Two weeks ago he said he wanted a Divorce.  We have since then been to therapy twice but its kinda expensive.  Any way his reason was he no longer loves me (while in therapy he told her that he had been feeling that way since the end of summer) I was blind sided.  I mean I know we fight a lot but never seen this coming.  

His job keeps him gone for weeks sometimes.  And we would try and talk as much as possible via internet/phones.  But anyway the fighting would accrue cause he was my relief..  so I thought.  I would what I thought tell him about this and that (mostly negative).. that would happen that day.  Mind you when he is gone we probably only have about 10mins to talk.  So if he didn't say the right things in that 10mins to calm me down I would be hurt and that would cause a fight.    Also money is a little tight right now so I know he is feeling pressure of the bills.  ( I am a SAHM)  Just a little glimpse of why we fight.  We don't cheat and he is NOT and I repeat he is not seeing or talking to anyone.  Nor am I.  lol   It seriously is just cause we fight all the time about the most stupid stuff.  Mainly cause I get butt hurt over something, could be small could be big.   Hes not a talker and especially when Im upset or upset him, he will clam up and not say a word.

Back to the last two weeks.  So he asked for the divorce.  In the last two weeks maybe three now.  He wont say he loves me.  We still have sex.  We have really great conversations.  I feel like we have connected on a whole different level.  But he wont say he loves me.  He shows love and he will still kiss me when he wants to.  But he wont say it.  We still sleep in the same bed at night when hes home.  I feel like im on a emotional roller coaster and I don't know how to get off.   I feel I have no control at all.  He has it.  Maybe im too controlling idk.  I know that im trying my best to be a better person..  Like getting dressed and fixing myself up.  Keeping up with the house, so that when he is home he don't stress about that.  Keeping my attitude more positive.   But im feeling like im doing all this and not getting anything in return.

Maybe I shouldn'tbe expecting anything,  But I just want to know we are both working in the right direction.  I mean I took my ring off today (Engagement ring we hadn't gotten bands yet since very few people know we are actually married) and I don't think he even noticed.  I just feel like a fool.  I love him so much and when nights like tonight that hes home and there is no emotional connection at night I feel alone.  When I say that, its cause I can feel that he loves me and when  we have sex I can tell he loves me.  He just wont say it.  I don't know why that's important to me but it is. 

He wont talk about it (any of it).  If I bring up how I feel it starts a fight.  He pretty much told me that he would let me know if his feelings changed.  Said I would be the first to know.     I just want to know everything is going to be ok.  Some kind of reassurance. 

My question is do I let him go?  Or Fight?  

This is already long but its just the tip of the most important stuff.  (generalized) Im sorry if non of this makes sense I am by far no writer. :) 

by on Feb. 21, 2014 at 1:53 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MixedCooke
by on Feb. 21, 2014 at 1:56 AM

A YEAR AND A HALF?? He is not even willing to give the marriage a chance!  He has asked for a divorce and you are still having sex with him?? 

butterflyofnite
by Bronze Member on Feb. 21, 2014 at 2:01 AM

 

Quoting MixedCooke:

A YEAR AND A HALF?? He is not even willing to give the marriage a chance!  He has asked for a divorce and you are still having sex with him?? 

 Yes, We have only been married a 1 1/2.  And yes we are still having sex.  :(  I dont know how to stop since I feel extremely connected to him.  

Mommy4-27-08
by Bronze Member on Feb. 21, 2014 at 2:05 AM
You have to stop having that connection, he needs to step away and clear his head and decide what he wants to do. Right now, he is having his cake and eating it too.
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MixedCooke
by on Feb. 21, 2014 at 2:07 AM

 

Quoting butterflyofnite:

 

Quoting MixedCooke:

A YEAR AND A HALF?? He is not even willing to give the marriage a chance!  He has asked for a divorce and you are still having sex with him?? 

 Yes, We have only been married a 1 1/2.  And yes we are still having sex.  :(  I dont know how to stop since I feel extremely connected to him.  

 The day after I got married, my MIL warned me that the first 5 years of marriage are the hardest and if I didnt have that rattling in my head and setting a goal to at least make it to those 5 years, then yeah, I probably would have divorced his butt back then, but this year will make 8 years for us.  To me, it sounds more like he has got something going on the side and is feeling guilty about it.

butterflyofnite
by Bronze Member on Feb. 21, 2014 at 2:08 AM

 

Quoting Mommy4-27-08: You have to stop having that connection, he needs to step away and clear his head and decide what he wants to do. Right now, he is having his cake and eating it too.

 I dont know how to stop.  Im the one loving him too much. But I know this.  I think its more for me.  I feel so connected when we have sex thats why I keep doing it.  I thought I would be ok with it but now I feel like the fool.   The therapist said to take it one day at a time. I thought thats what we was doing.  Except I just dont feel like he is in the same place I am. 

Mommy4-27-08
by Bronze Member on Feb. 21, 2014 at 2:13 AM
I have been through this, and I made the same mistake you are right now. I thought if I just proved I loved him and kept going like everything was going to be okay, then it would. It went on for months and when it finally came down to it, we were on totally different pages and nothing I could have done would have saved us. I could have saved myself months of heartache and questions if I had just stopped.

This isn't me saying not to try, be there to try. But also back away. If he wants out, start sleeping separately and no more sex. Be available to talk if he wants to, but nothing more.

Quoting butterflyofnite:

 


Quoting Mommy4-27-08: You have to stop having that connection, he needs to step away and clear his head and decide what he wants to do. Right now, he is having his cake and eating it too.

 I dont know how to stop.  Im the one loving him too much. But I know this.  I think its more for me.  I feel so connected when we have sex thats why I keep doing it.  I thought I would be ok with it but now I feel like the fool.   The therapist said to take it one day at a time. I thought thats what we was doing.  Except I just dont feel like he is in the same place I am. 

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butterflyofnite
by Bronze Member on Feb. 21, 2014 at 2:15 AM

 

Quoting MixedCooke:

 

Quoting butterflyofnite:

 

Quoting MixedCooke:

A YEAR AND A HALF?? He is not even willing to give the marriage a chance!  He has asked for a divorce and you are still having sex with him?? 

 Yes, We have only been married a 1 1/2.  And yes we are still having sex.  :(  I dont know how to stop since I feel extremely connected to him.  

 The day after I got married, my MIL warned me that the first 5 years of marriage are the hardest and if I didnt have that rattling in my head and setting a goal to at least make it to those 5 years, then yeah, I probably would have divorced his butt back then, but this year will make 8 years for us.  To me, it sounds more like he has got something going on the side and is feeling guilty about it.

 This is my second marriage.. His first.  I honestly dont think he has time for anything on the side.  He works offshore so hes arround no other girls.  Just a bunch of guys.  When hes not offshore he is here with the kids and I.  I have since he asked for a divorce been checking his phone, email, fb.  ect.  Nothing on any of them.   But I guess nothing is ever 100% 

butterflyofnite
by Bronze Member on Feb. 21, 2014 at 2:20 AM

 

Quoting Mommy4-27-08: I have been through this, and I made the same mistake you are right now. I thought if I just proved I loved him and kept going like everything was going to be okay, then it would. It went on for months and when it finally came down to it, we were on totally different pages and nothing I could have done would have saved us. I could have saved myself months of heartache and questions if I had just stopped.

This isn't me saying not to try, be there to try. But also back away. If he wants out, start sleeping separately and no more sex. Be available to talk if he wants to, but nothing more.

Quoting butterflyofnite:

 


Quoting Mommy4-27-08: You have to stop having that connection, he needs to step away and clear his head and decide what he wants to do. Right now, he is having his cake and eating it too.

 I dont know how to stop.  Im the one loving him too much. But I know this.  I think its more for me.  I feel so connected when we have sex thats why I keep doing it.  I thought I would be ok with it but now I feel like the fool.   The therapist said to take it one day at a time. I thought thats what we was doing.  Except I just dont feel like he is in the same place I am. 

 Biggest fear, I stop and he leaves.  :(  But I understand what you are saying.  I mean I have talked to my best friend and she keeps telling me the same thing.  This is probably the hardest thing I am probably going to have to do. 

MixedCooke
by on Feb. 21, 2014 at 2:28 AM

 

Quoting butterflyofnite:

 

Quoting MixedCooke:

 

Quoting butterflyofnite:

 

Quoting MixedCooke:

A YEAR AND A HALF?? He is not even willing to give the marriage a chance!  He has asked for a divorce and you are still having sex with him?? 

 Yes, We have only been married a 1 1/2.  And yes we are still having sex.  :(  I dont know how to stop since I feel extremely connected to him.  

 The day after I got married, my MIL warned me that the first 5 years of marriage are the hardest and if I didnt have that rattling in my head and setting a goal to at least make it to those 5 years, then yeah, I probably would have divorced his butt back then, but this year will make 8 years for us.  To me, it sounds more like he has got something going on the side and is feeling guilty about it.

 This is my second marriage.. His first.  I honestly dont think he has time for anything on the side.  He works offshore so hes arround no other girls.  Just a bunch of guys.  When hes not offshore he is here with the kids and I.  I have since he asked for a divorce been checking his phone, email, fb.  ect.  Nothing on any of them.   But I guess nothing is ever 100% 

 Maybe he just didnt think how much being married really meant.  I think that sometimes people can love each other but just arent meant to be married.

butterflyofnite
by Bronze Member on Feb. 21, 2014 at 7:17 AM

 

Quoting MixedCooke:

 

Quoting butterflyofnite:

 

Quoting MixedCooke:

 

Quoting butterflyofnite:

 

Quoting MixedCooke:

A YEAR AND A HALF?? He is not even willing to give the marriage a chance!  He has asked for a divorce and you are still having sex with him?? 

 Yes, We have only been married a 1 1/2.  And yes we are still having sex.  :(  I dont know how to stop since I feel extremely connected to him.  

 The day after I got married, my MIL warned me that the first 5 years of marriage are the hardest and if I didnt have that rattling in my head and setting a goal to at least make it to those 5 years, then yeah, I probably would have divorced his butt back then, but this year will make 8 years for us.  To me, it sounds more like he has got something going on the side and is feeling guilty about it.

 This is my second marriage.. His first.  I honestly dont think he has time for anything on the side.  He works offshore so hes arround no other girls.  Just a bunch of guys.  When hes not offshore he is here with the kids and I.  I have since he asked for a divorce been checking his phone, email, fb.  ect.  Nothing on any of them.   But I guess nothing is ever 100% 

 Maybe he just didnt think how much being married really meant.  I think that sometimes people can love each other but just arent meant to be married.

Im starting to think that.  I sure hope thats not the case but I am trying really hard to prepare myself for the worst case possible.

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