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20yr old son's girlfriend - She is going to be the death of me.

Posted by on Mar. 19, 2014 at 8:21 PM
  • 26 Replies

I am writing this with hope I can get some good advice on what to do even though I know deep down in my heart what the answer will be.  Here it goes.

My son who is 20 has been dating this girl (18) for about 8 months now.  My husband and I have never had this deep down feel good about her but we kept our mouths shut with the hopes that whatever this feeling was would go away.  After a couple of months went by his older sister (21) who was away at college came home and she expressed to me the same feeling however none of us could put a finger on it.  Well as time went by me and husband began to catch her in lies, lies that were dumb to ever lie about, then she seemed to want all of my sons attention, she became very controlling to the point of having him delete people from his social media circle that she did not want him to associate with, she is very jealous and they are constantly arguing with each other Because of all this I begin to find about her family life and to say the word colorful would be doing it justice.  Someone who knows this family explain to me about her family life not to make me dislike her but so that I could have a better understand of why she was the way she was.  She is very insecure, and manipulative.  This, my husband and I have witness for ourselves.  This is my son's first love, which makes this worse.  With all this said the approach I took was to have her around our family alot and that maybe she would begin to see that life as she knows it can change an be another way plus if he every married her I did not want to be apart from my son's life.  I would also talk to my son and point out some of the things that she did or lies she said and would tell him that he needed to help her by paying attention to what she is saying and doing because if he called her out on these things maybe she would stop.  I never told him to break up with her and stop seeing her. UNTIL.......

The beginning of this month we were all at a parade.  My son, his girlfriend and their friends along with his sister.  My husband and I were at this parade too however they were all at a different place.  During the parade my daughter comes running down the parade route crying saying that my son's girlfriend pushed him off an ice chest he was standing on in back of a truck and he fell on the concrete and hit is head. By the grace of God he was fine.  My daughter said she jumped out of the truck and down by her brother and the girlfriend jumps down and tries to come near him, my daughter told her to please go leave that she pushed her brother and tried to hurt him and of course the girlfriend would not listen so my daughter ended up in a physical fight with this girl.  My daughter is 21 and has never been in any sort of situation like this before so this was all new.  

After all of this my husband and I sat my son down and explained to him about toxic relationships, we gave him examples of people we knew who had been in them and still are and how this is not good and for him we pointed out what we observed with her and asked how a relationship like this could be fun or healthy. Not to mention that the physical part could happen again and I told him my gut told me that she has become physical with him before and he did not say anything.  We told him that seeing her would be his choice we could not tell him who to see however he did live in our house and that we (me, my husband, daughter) did not want to have anything to do with her.  I explained to him that he also had his sister he would have to deal with because she saw what happened and her push him and to this day cannot get it out of mind.  She never wishes to see this girl again.  So he had some choices he had to make.

In the meantime this girl would not stop calling, txing, etc.  She sent me a tx apologizing and admitted to pushing him because she was mad and they had be fighting all that day,  but did not mean to hurt him. She sent a similar tx to my daughter, we never responded.  He broke up with her but in the last week I have found out they are still seeing each other and I am at my wits end.  I just pray alot and I don't know where to go from here. My son does not know that we all know what is going on.  My gut says to just play along and see where goes.  Any thoughts or anyone been in this type of situation.  No matter how many times I have talked to my son all he will say is that yes she pushed him but she really did not mean too she was just real upset and people make mistakes

by on Mar. 19, 2014 at 8:21 PM
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by on Mar. 19, 2014 at 9:31 PM

How awful that she would push him like that!  I'm glad to hear that he didnt get too injured! My sister was in a toxic relationship that sounds similar to this one.  It was her first love, and he did nothing but lie, and cheat on her and when she finally would leave he would make her life miserable or make empty promises until she came back.  Unfortuantly they had a child together so now he will never be "gone" We would talk to her countless times about what he was doing, but she would never listen.  She has now listened and has as little interaction with him as she can.  

It turned out that you can do all the talking you want, but in the end it has to be his decision.  WIth my sister, she finally had enough when he was cheating, and him and his gf came up with a plan to get her arrested.  That was when she finally woke up and saw how awful he was

Hope he gets out before something worse happens.  Good Luck! 

by Bronze Member on Mar. 19, 2014 at 9:34 PM
I would file a restraining order. At least she can't come to your home.
by Emerald Member on Mar. 19, 2014 at 10:20 PM

He needs to learn when enough is enough.  They are all legal age so you cant do much other than file a restraining order for her to stay away from the rest of your family.

by Ruby Member on Mar. 19, 2014 at 11:53 PM
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Wow I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'd keep talking to him and trying to get him to see he's better off without that chaos. You just don't want to push too far or it could push him further into being with her to rebel if he gets angry. Touchy situation =(
by Gold Member on Mar. 20, 2014 at 12:04 AM
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he needs to learn for himself that he can live without her and it likely wont be right away. he is young and the more vocal you are against her she may be able to use that to manipulate him more
by on Mar. 20, 2014 at 12:08 AM

Difficult to say the least, you don't want to do something to push him away and you don't want see him end up messed up from this girl. But I do think you are a very intelligent person from the way you write and it actually makes me want to give you props for how your handling it. But I don't know what more you can do sorry

by Purple People Eater on Mar. 20, 2014 at 12:13 AM
You sound like a great mom with a. Great head on your shoulders. Unfortunately, sometimes people have to learn the hard way:/ all you can do is offer support and advice.
by Silver Member on Mar. 20, 2014 at 12:17 AM
I'm sorry you have to go through this. This is a horrible situation to be in, but, sadly, aside from not allowing her in your home, there's not much you can do except be there to pick up the pieces. I know, easier said than done. My BIL is in a similar situation and has been for almost 4 yrs now. He lived in a household where his SM was the same way as his current gf, but cannot see how he is going the same path as his father. She is a horrible person, who sees everything bad that she does, but makes up excuses of why she does it and its everyone's fault but her own. She has caused fights on every birthday and holiday that has passed, usually resulting in them breaking up, BIL drinking himself into a stupor and turning around the next day to grovel. Its actually quite disturbing to see the stages play out. She tends to try to use her vagina for the greater good of herself and he falls for it 75% of the time. It was 100% until we pointed it out and he finally realized what she was doing. We (my MIL, DF, and I) have been there to pick him up when she crushes him. We have tried talking it through with him, but as soon as he's around her, he gets blinders on and he forgets everything. We have stopped beating the horse bc it does no good. For now, we just sit and wait... I hope your son sees the path he's going down. In a situation like this, you have to let him take the steps himself. Hugs.
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by on Mar. 20, 2014 at 1:36 AM

I would talk to her parents and ask that they give her some help.  "if our kids are going to be dating we should work together to make sure its happy and healthy."  Hopefully therapy for your son and the girl will open his eyes and he will dump her anyway

by on Mar. 20, 2014 at 2:59 AM
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I'm sorry
But I am I the only one to see you have 'overbearing mom' syndrome?
Obviously you never liked her from the start, you planned to point out everyone of her flaws to him in the hope he would leave her. Honestly you have never given her a chance. Yes she shouldn't of pushed him but damn woman you need to back off he is freaking 21. A little to old you to be talked at during 'talks'
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