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stepdaughter help

Posted by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 10:50 PM
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I'm in serious need of advice. I have a 9 year old stepdaughter, and for the last 4+ years she has been, rude, mouthy, disrespectful, hateful and so on.
I have gone to therapy for years because of her actions, and she has told me many times that she wants her dad and I to get a divorce... However, she would never say it in front of her dad! She does play innocent and that I am the evil stepmother. Today, I told her to change her shirt and as she walked upstairs she called me a f**king b**ch. My husband tries not to be in the middle of her and I however, he doesn't know what to do about her.
She is very jealous of Blake my son from a previous marriage, and Sofiya my husband and I's daughter. I will say that I tell my stepdaughter that I love her all of the time and that just because I didn't give birth to her she is still my daughter.
Any and all advice is needed... PLEASE HELP!
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 10:50 PM
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by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 11:19 PM

Honestly, I don't think there is anything you can do unfortunately. My parents divorced when I was 1 and my dad didn't remarry until I was 15. Even though my stepmom was nice enough, I didn't like her at all. They also lived two states away and I only saw her for a month during the summer and a few times during the year, so of course she was always on her nicest behavior for that short period of time that I saw her, but I still didn't like her. She was, and is, a nice enough person but she absolutely favors her daughter from her first marriage, though she 100% doesn't see it even to this day. The daughter is turning 30 next month, has a 1-year-old, and my stepmom still treats her as if she's a toddler herself, and the daughter eats it up. My stepsister is one of the harshest people I've ever met and my stepmom makes excuses for her constantly, saying she's still young, she had a rough week, etc.

Maybe even though you're trying to do everything "right" your stepdaughter is seeing signs of you showing favoritism towards another child, or maybe she just feels like you "took her dad from her." That's exactly how I felt, even though my dad lived two states away and I didn't see him any less when they got married. I just saw my stepmom as the woman who "took my dad away." 

by on Mar. 31, 2014 at 12:35 AM

 I will give you a bump but I have no advice. My husband would never let his children talk to me like that.

by Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 7:09 AM
It sucks. I'm a stepmom to 3 boys. I don't know your whole situation, is there an ex, do you have custody, etc. I am reading a book called "stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin. It's a good read and offers a lot of insite into why your stepdaughter is probably doing what she is doing and there might even be hints as to how you can adapt things to make it work. If nothing else it's nice to know you aren't alone in any of this.

She could be reacting for a lot of different reasons. The key is to talk to your husband. Get him involved but it has to come from him. If you are pointing out behaviors to him and she knows about it then that will Just make you an even bigger bad guy. I know that I would not be able to survive this whole thing without him.

You can private message me if you want to vent, or need to talk or have questions.
by on Mar. 31, 2014 at 9:39 AM

Sorry for all you are going through. I don't have experience with step children but here's a bump.

 Stepmom Central

by Ruby Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 9:45 AM
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Your husband NEEDS to get involved!

by on Mar. 31, 2014 at 11:25 AM
Thank you to everyone! And thanks for the book recommendation too! I know I am not perfect, and there is some of me that may be favoring my son but I really really really try hard not to in front of her... and I have tried to get her involved in just her and I things. I think most of it comes from her mom, (who I will just say is a real handful) and then she is pre - pubescent.

Ohhhh I don't know. I just don't want to be the bad guy all the time. I get so stressed out when she is here and can't wait until she leaves.
by Platinum Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 11:28 AM
This!!! I have 2 step kiddos myself. Boy and girl. Let me tell u sdd was a monster when i first met dh. She now older and on her own. Its the hardest thing to do but your hubby HAS to get involved or it will never end! Good luck

Quoting KimmyShaw:

Your husband NEEDS to get involved!

by on Mar. 31, 2014 at 12:50 PM
If your husband refuses to get involved then it's up to you how you make her be respectful to you. She should never be allowed to get away with speaking to you or anyone in that manner. Completely unacceptable. If your dh doesn't like the way you put the kid in her place, he needs to step up. It's not fair at all that you have to endure this alone.
by Trica on Mar. 31, 2014 at 1:02 PM
That's not acceptable!
by on Mar. 31, 2014 at 1:03 PM
He tries... He just doesn't hear her all the time. She seems to bad mouth me when he is not around, like cursing at me or telling me she hates me. Last night he really put her in her place!
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