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How is a marriage suppose to be?

Posted by on Jun. 16, 2014 at 3:53 AM
  • 26 Replies
Me and my husband have been together 12yrs. Through the years we have had our ups and downs (majorly) but all in all I feel there is love there. I was raised in a single parent home; he was not. I am a only child; he is not. But sometimes I feel like I have the wrong idea of what a marriage is suppose to be. If I get a job and make what he makes or more he will do little things to make me feel small. I got approved for a home (his credit wasn't good enough) and he wasn't happy he said I didn't consider him. And after 3months of looking for a home in the summer he said he didn't want to get a house we didn't have the money but our mortgage would've been less than our rent, we need space we have 3 kids and a large dog. And we have good incomes but no write offs so we always owe during tax time. I thought this would be a way to cut that back. But then a month after my approval expired he cleared his retirement out. Speed up to tax lien, infidelities, and a heartbreaking abortion(this is all in a matter of 8months). I know this is hard for some to read but things had me wondering what to do. I have a child whom has issues and there are too many issues in my marriage. I try my best to be a "team player" but I thought that it was the right thing to do. Now he is saying he wants to be a team but I have doubts... Is this what marriage is like? Is this what it's about?
by on Jun. 16, 2014 at 3:53 AM
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Replies (1-10):
cgarlic
by Silver Member on Jun. 16, 2014 at 5:19 AM

*hugs* I've only been married 3 yrs & trying to figure out not only our relationship, but blending families.  I thought it was suppose to be a team effort too & sometimes it is, but at one point I was working & he wasn't and he was fine with me paying for his stuff or bills.  Now that he got a career & makes good money (still not enough for our "large" fam) he questions everything I need money for including bills.  When he says stuff about him making for then I could, I tell him that's nice it's just the way society is.  I could make as much as him if I wanted a "mans job".  Maybe he is feeling small or like he isn't good enough because you may seem better to other people.  I have a degree, but am stuck at home raising more kids.  I love my children, but I'm just not sahm material to top it off we moved 6 hrs away from our hometown & everything I know so I feel alone.  We are expecting our second child together in November I never feel like I'm good enough because I'm not helping support our family financially 

Jacqalyn
by Gold Member on Jun. 16, 2014 at 5:30 AM
4 moms liked this
No that is no where near what a marriage is about.
He should be happy for you no matter what not belittle you and make you feel less because you succeeded at something he couldn't. Sounds like he want to be in control of you guys marriage instead of you both have equal play in it. Yes the man should be the head of the household but you should still have a say in what goes on in that household.
Dh and I have been married 16 years we communicate on everything, from bills to the kids. Nothing is one sided instead it's a team effort.
Timar
by on Jun. 16, 2014 at 7:02 AM
I have heard the whole controlling thing before and I am starting to believe it. I don't want to but can't figure things out or give a reasonable explanation to what the problem is. But 2 things over the years have topped this off his mom was like oh no honey y'all not getting a house and guess what we didn't. And in the beginning his father approached me and stated it's not fair you have a child outside the marriage (was pregnant before we were together) and he doesn't (told him and shortly after the infidelity). But I work at a time I can be there for my kids and handle things at home it is a struggle at times getting little or no sleep and then to see him on his video game (is this anyone else). He does pay all the bills but anytime I "out shine him" it's a no then can you pay this. And I am like I work how I work so there is no daycare but where is the money going? Daycare pays a major part in household expenses so please don't tell me I don't contribute (mama you r doing triple what he does and you don't even leave your house). Kids remember those things.
Aoife_Of_2
by Member on Jun. 16, 2014 at 7:18 AM

I'm wondering too. I am on my 2nd marriage and only married five mths soon to be over.

Husband would get hostile anytime his kids were home or if he wanted me to watch them. His kids are seven year old twins and abusive toward me; screaming, kicking, name calling, lying, getting me in trouble and laughing when I'd get holler at. He had them ft. I ended up disappearing to my mom's just so I wouldn't have to watch them or be home when they weren't at their aunts. Husband said kids will be kids. bs

When his kids were here he wouldn't talk to me, answer anything I said, no hugs, no love, nothing. Just plain hostility like I was a whipping boy over anything. Then when they left to go to the aunts it would be all aplogetic and I'm sorry it won't happen again. After the second time of that I told him no not again.

If I attempted to ask him a question I got screamed at for a simple question. I got belittled for doing my hair, makeup, being picky about my clothes, co-sleeping with my boys, the way I eat, my religion, etc.

I got screamed at also and made fun of because I refused to do his and his kids laundry, dishes, cook for them, etc. The house has no shelves or closets. Everything is stacked on everything; it was maddening. I had all  my stuff in boxes stacked in the living room not unpacked. If you don't want to improve the home I will not help clean your stuff up.

His family laughed at me because I grew up in a family were outdoor work is for the men. Women didn't do the trash,mow the lawn, trim the trees, etc. Gardening and some other light outdoor work was all we did. The guys did everything else.

That going to my psychatrist appts, dr appts, and physical therapy appts weren't needed. One day his cousin came in the house when I was out grocery shopping and dumped all my meds down the toliet. I have BPD, Aspergers, ADD, chronic aniema, severe heart murmer, mitral valve reguragation, ptsd, fibermyolgia, severe whiplash, and previous severe head trauma that leaves me recurring head pains that come and go. I had to call my dr on his cell and get my meds filled by the er. Then go in to take my evening pills, then go in the morning to take the morning dosage while they were all being filled. I have been on my Wellbutrin 14 yrs; I cannot go without that or other meds. I also take vitamens and liquid iron. I got called a druggie and a fake.

Plenty more. Mostly all emotional and mental abuse. I've been through it once and I am not going through it again. All was going well till husbands family started saying things about the bible and how a wife should be. They are Methodist, I am Pagan. So they think I am a witch, not a submissive housewife material, mean, and more. Husband belived them and then the abuse started. Sad really.

My first marriage ended because we were young. He is the father of my boys and we co parent in harmony. My ex husband was a problem too to husband and his family. Constantly being hollered for no reason at all, he was polite never hostile. Even took husbands kids out when he didn't have too. Watched the kids, played wth them, took them to church, took them to dr appts. That's something that made me upset because it made my boys upset seeing there dad being hurt. I'll pick my kids happiness anyday over anything else.

So I wonder too what is it like to be married? My parents 32 years and they are doing great.

coolmommy2x
by Ruby Member on Jun. 16, 2014 at 7:18 AM
1 mom liked this
IMO a marriage is a partnership. Sometimes due to circumstances one partner carries a bigger burden than the other but overall it should be equal. Just based on what you wrote, your DH doesn't seem to want a partner nor view you as one. It seems as if he has esteem issues and can't see your successes as good for the family.I don't know how old your kids are but if this is how things stay, this is what your kids will think a normal marriage looks like and it's what their marriages will be modeled after. Good luck to you.
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Timar
by on Jun. 16, 2014 at 9:12 AM
It is sad I have to admit (this is becoming addictive being on here; just a side bar) that so far I have heard the same things about marriage. When I 1st got married my aunt said its hard work. She didn't say take anything from your spouse. But growing up in a single family home and watching "family" shows you want that 2.5 kids, dog, nice home, Pickett fence. And the funny thing is I heard someone say that went down the tubes with woman working, women's rights, etc. I agree families took a turn but why "bad". We work just as hard take care of things, kids, etc but when I need something open I ask who? My husband. Men should worship the ground we walk on to even be able to do what we do so they can kick feet up. But they don't realize what they have til it's gone or about to go then it's let's fix it. It last a week but goes back to the s.o.s. And to be honest I heard a in single man is subject to more health issues than a married one. And I guess it's because we play "mommy" to all. Where is the justice in that?
Sister_Someone
by Member on Jun. 16, 2014 at 9:16 AM

A marriage is supposed to be whatever the people IN said marriage want it to be. The only person who can answer that question for you, IS you.

elasmimi
by Platinum Member on Jun. 16, 2014 at 9:17 AM

I'm no psychiatrist, but it sounds to me like he has some insecurity issues. Maybe he feels inferior to you? Every marriage is different, and unfortunately quite often it is not 50/50, but no reason to stay miserable either. Get into marriage counseling, if he won't go, do it alone. You have the right to be happy!

Timar
by on Jun. 16, 2014 at 9:28 AM
Counseling been there done that 3 times once he said he didn't need it til I packed my bags. Talked to his pastor to he only went once then only went to bible study 3 times months after that and this all feel in with the 8months.
DixonBabies
by Member on Jun. 16, 2014 at 9:30 AM

He sounds manipulative and a straight up butt hole.

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