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Lost...please help

Posted by on Jul. 20, 2014 at 4:23 AM
  • 12 Replies
So, this is my first post...I'm new here. I hope that I've found a place where I can have conversations and vent without fear of judgment.

I'm having a really tough time right now and I'm not really sure what to do. I've been married for 4 and a half years but separated for a year and a half. My husband and I have a (soon to be) 4 yr old son. We have not been working toward reconciliation of our marriage but we have a good co parenting relationship. We both date other people. I haven't seriously dated anyone since the separation but I've had a few not so serious relationships. Recently, I've started to "date" a guy at work who I met back in Feb. Things are very casual between us and we are more friends than anything else. Anyway, much to my dismay, I recently found out that I am pregnant with his child and I don't know what to do. I'm about 9 weeks now and he still doesn't know. I know that I don't want to keep the baby because I am in no position (financially or emotionally) to have another child. But I don't feel good about getting an abortion and I definitely don't want to carry the child and put him/her up for adoption. My issues with this situation:

1. I can't emotionally handle an abortion nor do I have the $$ for it right now
2. I DO NOT want to continue to carry the child
3. I don't want to tell the guy but I feel guilty about not telling him

I'm so stressed out right now :-(  Any advice that you guys can give would be very helpful.
by on Jul. 20, 2014 at 4:23 AM
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Replies (1-10):
booaura
by Bronze Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 6:51 AM
My suggestion if I were in your position, is have an abortion. If you have this child, you will either be raising it, paying for it (if you give it to the father) or you'll need father's permission to place it for adoption. If you parent, you're tied to him for 18+ years. If you don't want a child, and don't want to continue the pregnancy, then abortion is the logical and only choice. Why do you feel you can't handle it? Planned parenthood has sliding scale payment. And if you don't have the money for an abortion, you certainly can't afford another child.
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TatianaM
by on Jul. 20, 2014 at 7:35 AM
booaura,

You're absolutely right. I know it's the logical choice...I just know that I will feel a lot of guilt after it's done. I also don't know if I should tell the guy about the pregnancy or just take care of it by myself and keep him in the dark.

Quoting booaura: My suggestion if I were in your position, is have an abortion. If you have this child, you will either be raising it, paying for it (if you give it to the father) or you'll need father's permission to place it for adoption. If you parent, you're tied to him for 18+ years. If you don't want a child, and don't want to continue the pregnancy, then abortion is the logical and only choice. Why do you feel you can't handle it? Planned parenthood has sliding scale payment. And if you don't have the money for an abortion, you certainly can't afford another child.
booaura
by Bronze Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 8:39 AM
1 mom liked this
Why do you think you'll feel regret? Don't you think you'll feel regret having a child you don't want, putting yourself in a worse financial position, and tying yourself to some random man for the rest of your life? If you have the baby, yes, he needs to know. If not, don't tell him, it's none of his business until a baby is born.

Quoting TatianaM: booaura,

You're absolutely right. I know it's the logical choice...I just know that I will feel a lot of guilt after it's done. I also don't know if I should tell the guy about the pregnancy or just take care of it by myself and keep him in the dark.

Quoting booaura: My suggestion if I were in your position, is have an abortion. If you have this child, you will either be raising it, paying for it (if you give it to the father) or you'll need father's permission to place it for adoption. If you parent, you're tied to him for 18+ years. If you don't want a child, and don't want to continue the pregnancy, then abortion is the logical and only choice. Why do you feel you can't handle it? Planned parenthood has sliding scale payment. And if you don't have the money for an abortion, you certainly can't afford another child.
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ahleesha14
by New Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 11:20 AM
1 mom liked this

First off do not get an abortion. its not the baby's fault you were careless. You need to tell the dad. He may be able to help you out so you can keep the child. You two need to talk and soon. It doesn't mean you have to be together but he can help out moneywise.

Reina13
by Gold Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 12:12 PM
3 moms liked this

No judgement here. Just want to say that you need to do what is best for you. No one else can make that decision, whatever it may be for you. I hope everything works out for you.


beckynryan14
by New Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 12:40 PM
I'm totally against abortion. Not judging but if you had sex then that means you can have a child. There is tons of people out there that would do anything to have a baby. Consider adoption and tell your guy friend!
momasaurus420
by Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 12:51 PM
Guilt is a huge symptom women suffer after abortion...but it's something you learn to live with...it's your most logical option...
What do you fear if you tell the man you are carrying a child that's his?Does he want kids? Maybe being it up nonchalantly and see what his take is on it...maybe he's not ready either...?
...you may not be emotionally ready for another child now but what do you see 9mo from now? Financially, you may be able to be eligible for state assistance/WIC
You have a lot to think about...my advice is you do what you feel is most right. Whatever you choose it is you that has to live with the choice you make.
elasmimi
by Platinum Member on Jul. 20, 2014 at 5:40 PM

I don't believe in abortion, but I'm not the one we are talking about. However, you really need to tell him, and fast. I don't know where you live, but or what your faith is, but Catholic churches always have some type of counseling services, and ways to help you through the pregnancy. Totally agree with aleesha14, it's not the baby's fault.

jconney80
by Platinum Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 12:39 AM

I'm sorry you're going through this. I would personally never have an abortion because I couldn't live with myself for making that choice. That being said even people in stable marriages with good jobs freak out over having another baby. Many, many people feel this way at first and eventually feel OK with it. And then things work out in the end. It's not the end of the world to have this baby. But you are the only person who make that choice. ((hugs))

ducabbage
by Member on Jul. 21, 2014 at 8:33 AM
Disclaimer: I am not yelling, upset, or judging you. I am just going to point out some things to you that you might not have considered.

First, you should tell the baby's father. He has just as much right to know as you do to make a choice.

Second, you need to figure out your life. If you and your husband have been separated for that long, without signs of reconciliation, why are you still together? Time to deal with that relationship either way and then move forward.

Third, you need to realize that you made the choice to have sex with the possibility of getting pregnant. That was your decision. You knew it was a possibility yet did it anyway. Now you are living with the result of your decision and are trying to hide things and make it like it never happened. You say you can't handle an abortion yet you can't handle carrying a baby to term. You are contradicting yourself trying to hide.

Just decide what you are going to do with your life period and stop living in a state of indecision you aren't doing yourself, the other guys including your husband, and especially your current son and other baby any favors by living with things as they are now.
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