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I feel afraid of doing this on my own again

Posted by on Jul. 22, 2014 at 4:11 AM
  • 8 Replies
Hi, I'm new here. I'm 30 and I have a daughter about to turn 10. I'm newly pregnant and I'm terrified that I've disembarked into the same situation I did with my first marriage. I have SOOO many red flags but I just can't bring myself to terminating this pregnancy even at the request of the people I hold dearest. I feel lost and I feel like I'm trying to be stronger than I have it in me to be. But I know that I can make it work it'll just take sacrifice. A bit of background is I'm married to my future child's father, an alcoholic, I go to Alanon meetings but I'm just so bitter. I chose this. This is my fault. This is a pain that echoed long before I was brought to this Earth. I'm the daughter of an Alcoholic who wasn't there and in a Freudian way I found two men who were alcoholic military men to make me feel that inward okay; the entire thing was subconscious. So now I'm trying to take care of little one and meet her needs. Please help. A sponsor, counseling, nothing is helping me deal. Please other mommies! Please empathize or at least tell me what things you have to say.
by on Jul. 22, 2014 at 4:11 AM
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Marion03
by New Member on Jul. 22, 2014 at 7:31 AM
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That is very difficult and scary indeed :/
If you want to keep this child and do what's best for you and your older child, do you think being in a miserable situation is that? It's difficult to say because I don't know your situation, but if he's really that bad you need to think long and hard. I know that want very helpful but I wish u the best
Marion03
by New Member on Jul. 22, 2014 at 7:31 AM
1 mom liked this
That is very difficult and scary indeed :/
If you want to keep this child and do what's best for you and your older child, do you think being in a miserable situation is that? It's difficult to say because I don't know your situation, but if he's really that bad you need to think long and hard. I know that want very helpful but I wish u the best
lucky2Beeme
by Platinum Member on Jul. 22, 2014 at 7:34 AM
1 mom liked this

You need to really sit down and make two lists the pros of staying and the cons. Then read your lists. Try to look at them as an outsider or better yet as if your DD wrote these lists. What would you recommend she do ? I personally couldn't do it. I don't want to raise my children in that toxic home. I don't want to walk on egg shells and not be me. I want to live my life as happily as possible. I don't want to raise my children never knowing who their mom really is. You will be raising children that think your home life is normal. I would want to break the cycle, for all of us. Is it fair to you to always be bitter ? Would having an abortion and starting out on your own be better solution ? Only you can decide that. I wish you wisdom and peace mama. Huge hugs.

gypsy30
by Bronze Member on Jul. 22, 2014 at 8:05 AM
1 mom liked this

I wish I could tell you something that might be helpful, but I can't find any words...I know what it is like to live with an alcoholic...my daughter's dad was one...and I knew it too, before I ever moved in with him...I don't know if I thought I could save him, or what, but I was young...in my early twenties...I lived through a year of constant drinking and (eventually) physical abuse before I decided I needed to leave (I was hundreds of miles from any family) and go back home...and then I found out I was pregnant...and I felt sort of trapped...I needed my job, and the health insurance, and so I stayed...having our daughter changed nothing...a few months after I had her, I had to quit my job because of babysitting issues, and so, now, I was financially dependent on him too...everything felt hopeless...she was a  year and a half old when I finally found the courage to leave him...I wanted something better for her, and me...and yes, I needed my family's help...and they did help me...I eventually got back on my feet, met another man, married him, and the last 20+ years have been very good...my daughter's dad is still an alcoholic today...but then, he never wanted to help himself...there is nothing easy about living with an alcoholic, and if they don't want something better for themselves, they will not try to change...there is something better out there for you too...and I hope you find the courage, too, to get that something better for yourself...tap your resources...whatever ones you need to, to make a better life for you and your kids...

ChristineTate
by Member on Jul. 22, 2014 at 8:54 AM
1 mom liked this

If I read your post correctly, you are military.  Military wives experience hardships not having strong support networks in place due to frequent moves.  The first thing you need to do is get connected to other moms locally where you are.  Somewhere.  Anywhere.  Find a church and start going to activities they offer to make friends.  If you aren't religious, go to the Fleet and Family Support Center at your local base.  The military has a lot of services to offer support to spouses, you just have to find them.  Also, if your husband refuses to acknowledge the problem, you might consider going to his command about his problem.  The military can "insist" he get help and if he is operating equipment while intoxicated or hung-over, he can be a danger to others as well.

RoseWall
by Platinum Member on Jul. 22, 2014 at 9:10 AM
1 mom liked this
positive energy your way.
I think you can get through this.
I dont know how or why...
TheMeanestMom
by Member on Jul. 22, 2014 at 9:42 AM
1 mom liked this
My mom got pregnant by my dad when she really wasn't ready to be a mom. He is an alcoholic and her life has been very hard. And she was going to get an abortion. Fortunately she told one person and that person told one person and eventually word got to my aunt and she managed to stop my mom from killing me. I know it was very hard for her but she tells me that I truly saved her and she's so grateful every day that she didn't go through with it. We are very close.

I'm sorry you're faced with this very difficult position but I do not believe aborting your baby is the answer. My life was hard as a child but I've managed to break the cycle of abuse and now 4 amazing children of my own that also wouldn't be here had my mom gone through with her original plan.

I don't usually come to this group and I rarely reply to posts when I do, but I really feel the need to be a voice for your baby.

You never know what the future holds. Your husband could always sober up but once that baby's heart stops beating it can never start beating again. I don't know anyone who once they have that baby in their arms regrets not having an abortion. But I do know many who wish so much that they never had an abortion. Well not many but the three friends that I know of are open about their regret and guilt.

And I'm not saying stay with they guy either. Yes bring a single mom is very hard but do able.

And I love alanon...the program really does work when you work it. Sometimes I'd go to multiple meetings a week. Read my literature daily. Write in a journal. Maybe a sponsor could recommend a good counselor.

Good luck and if you want to chat more pm me.
Steenerbeaner
by New Member on Jul. 22, 2014 at 10:53 AM
1 mom liked this
Thank you, ladies. I'm still afraid of course but I've decided that I'm going to keep the baby. As far as my husband goes I haven't decided. I told him that I need some space to think about things. But I believe that there is purpose in everything that happens. Maybe this is meant to be an opportunity for me to grow and let go. Let go and let God as they say in Alanon. I have no idea how I'm going to afford things if I do this on my own, but again, I need to trust that there is a plan/purpose in everything. Time will sort out the "how" questions I have. Time will heal this heartache. Time will put a beautiful child in my arms. But today is all I have for now. So today I'm going to do the things I need to do to set up for the "tomorrow" of 8 months from now. Thank you all for supporting me, a complete stranger, when I felt abandoned by the people I love.
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