Im just tired. tired of everything.
I work full time now, which i never wanted to do, but the benefits are so much better, i can work mornings instead of evenings, and our family needs the money.... but it still isnt all good.... (but i dont actually regret taking the full time position).
DH works evenings. hes at work before i get home from work. I have to be at work at 7am, he works until 3 or 4am most nights. every once in a while he gets home at 1am. but that is very rare. I never see him anymore. before, we had mornings together. every morning, now, we dont. because i went to full time, i had to change the day and time i clean for an elderrly lady every week to the morning of a day off. and my other day off so far has been filled with appts for one reason or another.
DH's work has had mandatory overtime for the last 4 months. he has had a total of 15 days off in those 4 months, and 9 of those days were for our wedding and honeymoon. 3 for appointments for our son. I cannot wait for his boss to finally come off his money hill, and slow down business so that we can have family time. Everyone at that place is going insane. its just time for it to stop.
my son doesnt go to bed until 1030 at night. i have to be up at 6am at the very latest to get to work on time. Which sounds like plenty of sleep, but i can never go to sleep right after he does until i have gone 3 days of nno more than 3 hours of sleep at night. its really hard to fall asleep with my husband here.....
My son takes his evening nap sometime between 7 and 8, and i really should get him up at 9 everynight, so hes asleep by 11 (he always plays for a half hour before going to sleep, and of course this mommy cant fall asleep as long as hes making noise), but it is always so hard. i get home about 445 everyday, and by 7 i am ready for him to be in bed for the night. i want to spend 3 hours alone, relaxing, and doing my own thing, and then go to sleep myself, but then that would mean an ealier waking and taking sleep away from daddy. So i usually end up waiting until 930 to get DS out of bed from his nap, and then feel bad when i lay him back down an hour later. he barely has time to play once he eats.
i dont have the energy to play with him most days. hes 1, and is into everything and wont just leave me alone if i try to relax most of the time, which is typical. and i totally get it, and am glad that he still wants to play with me and such even though i feel like the worst mom ever. but im tired.
my anxiety keeps getting worse. i still have to wait another month to see my doctor so i can get back on meds.
i really hope that once i get on medicine, i have more energy to play with my son, and can get him up from his nap by 9, like i should now.
honestly, sometimes i feel like i have post-pardum depression. but.... i never want to hurt my son. i just want him to leave me alone so i can refind myself each day. i feel like i have lost myself. i have been having an anxiety attack for 5 full days now. i just feel lost. i dont know me anymore. i dont have any friends in driving distance that i can trust with stuff like this. i dont want to burden my husband with this..... i know thats what hes there for, but he doesnt need this on top of what he already has.
all i ever thought i wanted was to be a mommy.... i never wanted to get married. but then DH came around and it was complete amaizement, and from the day i met him, i wanted to marry that guy. i still thought i wanted to be a full time mommy though as well. here i am, a wife and mommy, and i dont get to see my husband, and i just want my kid to leave me alone. i feel lost. i want the mommy desire back. i need my husband back. he is my pole i lean on, and without him i dont stand very well. i love him so much, and i feel as though he has been kidnapped from me, that i am randomly allowed to talk to on the phone. he iss my soul mate and i feel broken without him. i miss our late night talks, and our all night snuggles. i miss falling asleep in his arms and feeling that safety every single night before falling asleep and every single morning. i miss having a daily meal with him. once a week just isnt enough. a date night herre and there isnt enough. im not his girlfriend. we arent dating anymore. hes my husband, i need him more than just every once in a while. i love him with everything inside of me, and i just miss him. i want to feel whole again.