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Me vs. Me

Posted by on Nov. 24, 2014 at 11:47 PM
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Hello ladies! Ok, so I'm ready to share my miscarriage story, I honestly don't know where to start because it broke my heart and changed me as person. When I was 15 years old on February 14,2011 I started spotting. My mom is a nurse so she checked it and it wasn't heavy blood like a miscarriage. It stopped, the next day it started again and we went to ER. They didn't know if I was threatening a miscarriage. My ex husband and I weren't together because I told him I needed space. When you're pregnant you go through a lot of emotions. He was there every day. So that Monday, we went to my OB/GYN. He was searching for a heart beat,but when he would move the machine the baby would just rock, there was no heart beat. I seen the look on his face, and I already knew there was no heart beat. I didn't want to cry infront of my ex-hubby, and family but later on that night I couldn't take it anymore, I just wanted to be alone. I went lay in my room and my mom kept coming in trying to talk to me and I told her I didn't want to talk I just wanted to be alone (truth is I didn't want to cry infront of her). I felt as if the miscarriage was my fault. So her and my nanny walked back in my room and was talking to me and I couldn't hold it in anymore, my heart was so full. I cried infront of them and I felt so naked and uncovered. That Wednesday I had a DNC. I was out of school for 2 weeks, I turned my phone off for those two weeks. I wanted to be alone and unbothered, I was devasted and depressed. I felt myself going damn near crazy and felt so lost inside of myself. No one understood or probably still don't understand how i felt & feel. For those who understand no explaination is needed, for those who don't understand no explaination is possible. I pray to god that no other human goes through the same hurt as I went through. During those two weeks, I was so hurt that I couldn't face the world with a broken heart. I stayed in my room for days in the dark crying in the corner. I felt like I had to restore myself, I shut down completely, then a couple of days after I woke up one day & decided I didn't to feel like this anymore so I changed it. While I was out of school, my so called "friend" went to school and told everyone the reason I was out of school. When I went back to school, I was in a different state of mind. I cut a lot of people off. All the ones that was talking about and everyone except my best friend. I felt like I didn't belong there, it's like when you have a kid you feel so different and distant from other teenagers. So a week after I went back to school, I took my GED test, I passed it with the highest score in the school and I was the youngest person to finish school. I finished in March! I was modeling and went back to Louisiana in May for graduation. I couldn't start college until I was 16, so I started in June 2012 right after my 16th birthday. In my 2nd semester of college, I got pregnant with Chloe, I was 4 1/2 months pregnant when I married my husband. I spent 18 months in college and in December of 2013 I graduated as a LPN. I thought having Chloe would fill the hole in my heart, but it didn't. The miscarriage wrecked me. It changed me. It's like after all I've been through my feelings can't get hurt anymore. If it wasn't for God I honestly don't know where I'd be. I have a wall built up to keep me from getting hurt, I may come off as a bitch but I'm only protecting myself. My heart isn't healed completely but a broken hear has to mend on its own. I know I should be over it but I'm not it haunts me every day. I never thought I'd move on from all the hurt the miscarriage and my husband caused me, I didn't move on..the wounds are still there, the pain just lessens over time. I may not have the perfect ending with a husband, but I have a great career, two little beautiful girls, and a God that never gave up on me! That's all I need!
by on Nov. 24, 2014 at 11:47 PM
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