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Failed adoption

Posted by on Dec. 25, 2014 at 11:49 AM
  • 9 Replies

My international adoption failed a year and a half ago and we disrupted our adoption. Our adopted daughter and son (htey were siblings) were adopted again by a different couple. I posted my story online and got nothing but hate mail. Would would you do differently to have a different outcome? Are you familiar with older adopted children who have been institutionalized? When we adopted them we had two bio children 4 and 2 and home and then I got pregnat with a third one...

I am completely hearbroken and can't move on....

My husband and I were a happy family with 2 beautiful boys when I found myself pregnant with the third baby. I lost my baby to a miscarriage and I felt that I had to give love to somebody else’s child and adopt.Our hearts were drawn to Congo, a poor, war-torn country where genocide killed millions of people. There are 5 million orphans in DRC, and 50% of children do not live to their 5th Birthday. The agency asked us to adopt two children because the need is so great there. For us it has been a rough 1.5 year journey where we had to fill out mounds of paperwork and raise a large sum of money.  Then came the hardest part-waiting!We adopted a 2 year old girl who was found at night alone on a market square and a 1 year boy who was abandoned at birth in the hospital by his teenage mother.One beautiful spring day we received a call from our agency to get our children from the airport. The girl was very petite in a beautiful African dress calling her escort “Mama.” The little boy looked sad and tired.My daughter had an intestinal parasite that caused a severe malnourishment. It took us the longest time to figure out how to treat it. She also had an umbilical hernia that had to be urgently surgically repaired.We bonded at home and family grew from 4 to 6 members. There was a lot more cooking, cleaning and laundry.My unexpected pregnancy eight months after our adoption complicated everything. It was overwhelming with 5 kids, 4 of whom are under 4 y.o. but I was trying to do my best while also working part-time.When my baby was about 4 months old my 89 year old father unexpectedly arrived from Russia.Unfortunately my Dad’s health deteriorated rapidly and he lost his ability to walk and became incontinent, and needed nursing care which quickly depleted our accounts. I was coming to see him every day.Meanwhile there was constant conflict between my 4 year old adopted daughter and my eldest biological 7 year old son. She antagonized and taunted him and he got very depressed and had suicidal thoughts. I took both children to a therapist, however it did not resolve their conflict.Also my adopted daughter M. did not trust me and wanted to be in control. Instead of asking me for something she would sneak to get it.She constantly challenged me.  M. smeared feces on the floor, destroyed her toys and clothes.Sometimes in public she approached strangers and asked to sit on their lap. She hurt our new baby behind my back. one time I saw her trying to suffocate my baby.Her therapist diagnosed her with disinhibited form of a Reactive Attachment Disorder.Our adopted son was delayed and needed many months of speech therapy. He did not make eye contact or smile.   He strongly preferred males and it didn’t help our bonding. L. also had a bad food obsession and ate until vomiting. He had violent anger outbursts.I told my dying Father about struggles with my children. He said that L. and M. and you are not happy with each other; set them free to parents that will make them happy. He became unresponsive and passed away that night.After the funeral, M. was particularly happy. She said that my Dad is not real and I never had a father.Soon I realized that our adopted children needed a new family that can meet their needs better. We had to save our other children and our marriage.Our adoption agency found them a new family where both parents are special needs educators. We legally disrupted our adoption in the court. We explained to our children that they will be going to a new Mommy and Daddy who will love them very much. Our adopted children were very excited to go and didn’t seem upset at all, they jumped in their new parents’ arms and waived us goodbye.They, to our knowledge, are thriving in their new family setting!My 8 y.o son became happy again. We don’t fight anymore with my husband and love each other.I, however, grieve my Dad’s death and our failed adoption. I can’t stop wondering was there anything else I could have done to save my family?


by on Dec. 25, 2014 at 11:49 AM
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Replies (1-9):
kim15690
by Member on Dec. 25, 2014 at 11:52 AM
I think that you made a good choice. It is hard to know what the best decision is.
Meganisher
by Member on Dec. 25, 2014 at 11:57 AM
Aww hugs momma , ik that's tough... You did the right thing. Everyone seems to be in a better place now , hang in there... Message me if you need too!
plainjane99
by on Dec. 25, 2014 at 11:59 AM

I am also pregnant again with # 4....I feel I don't deserve this baby, life, Christmas joy, my other children because I failed my adopted kids....

Meganisher
by Member on Dec. 25, 2014 at 12:03 PM
I've also had a mc. I am very young too. I am also currently expecting , I feel this is unfair to my child because we already stifle to provide for her... Have you talked with your DH about your feelings? It sounds like you need someone to talk to...
And you didn't fail them , they just weren't happy , but if you think of the huge transformation they went through , I'd understand their side too. Have you spoken to them , or their new parents since they were 're-adopted'? If you need /want to talk , don't hesitate to message me.

Quoting plainjane99:

I am also pregnant again with # 4....I feel I don't deserve this baby, life, Christmas joy, my other children because I failed my adopted kids....

lovemybebies612
by on Dec. 25, 2014 at 12:48 PM
I couldn'tadopt for that reason.
Pink.Frosting
by Silver Member on Dec. 25, 2014 at 12:53 PM

Honestly, it sounds like it worked out well for all involved.  I think you did the right thing.  Stop second guessing yourself.  You did the right thing.

plainjane99
by on Dec. 25, 2014 at 1:01 PM

See, the problem is that I belive if you adopt a child, it's forver but that notion went against my situation when my adopted daughter tried to kill my baby and in general everybody was suffering in our family. I am dealing with a lot of internal conflict.

happywifey08
by on Dec. 25, 2014 at 1:15 PM
It sounds like it all worked out. Because of you the kids have a family that meets all their needs. You should be proud.
happywifey08
by on Dec. 25, 2014 at 1:15 PM
It sounds like it all worked out. Because of you the kids have a family that meets all their needs. You should be proud.
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