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Feeling Incredibly judged (custody related)

Posted by on May. 7, 2015 at 2:22 PM
  • 4 Replies



Question: Should I go through with shared custody?




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Total Votes: 8

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      Soooo where to even begin. My ex-husband and I separated a year ago and the divorce was finalized two months ago. I have been awarded full custody of my three boys and I get a little child support. My ex has been talking to me about letting the boys live with him because he doesn't feel like he gets to see them enough. We have talked consistently over the year about joint physical custody with no child support whenever I got to a point that I was back on my feet. Well, Im just a couple months away from recieving my teacher certification and I am moving to a different town. My boys don't want to change schools therefore I have decided with my ex to go ahead with the new arrangement where we each have them 1/2 time.

      Since Their father makes significantly more money than I do and has alot more childcare help at his disposal we agreed on a schedule in which I get the boys 12 days a month during the school months and we alternate breaks during those months then they live with me during the summer since I will have most of the summers off as a Teacher anyway. All in all give or take a few days  the schedule is almost perfectly half time. I am going to see about having the divorce decree modified to reflect the changes obviously to protect myself from the possibility of him going rogue and pursuing full custody after the boys move in with him. 

       At first I felt guilty about it. Almost as if I was giving them away; ultimately I felt like I was being selfish. After plenty of thought I am actually feeling pretty good about the decision. I think its fair and whats best for the boys...especially since they are boys. Its important for boys to be around their father. My friends and especially my mother are accusing my boyfriend of influencing this decision. They are implying that I care more about him and myself then I do the boys since I am even considering such an arrangement. It really hurts my feelings that anyone would think that about me. Its hard enough as it is to share my boys like this but on top of that I have the face judgement from people who I love and admire. 

      I keep reminding myself that by allowing the boys significant time with their father without anyone having to worry about child support my ex and I are abiding by a parenting plan that is very simple. Sometimes simple is what is best for kids. What frustrates me even more is if the tables were turned and it were my brother and his daughter we were talking about my mother would be ecstatic because he only has standard visitation. 

What do you guys think? Am I making a mistake? Is anyone out there successfully in a shared custody arrangement that can give me advice?

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by on May. 7, 2015 at 2:22 PM
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by on May. 7, 2015 at 2:40 PM

I would be a little wary about it, #1), just taking it to court, and making this adjustment, he could find every little thing and try to get full custody and then you paying child support.  #2). How much time does he spend  with them now, that you get little child support?  #3) Will more child support help you in the long run, as your children grow older, because it appears you are living with another adult in the home, who can help with household bills? This is not saying he should support your children -food can go along ways if you knew how to budget.

by Platinum Member on May. 7, 2015 at 2:57 PM

He has been getting them every saturday because he has a funky work schedule. The child support I get is enough to cover my rent. There is another adult living in the home who has been helping wiht the bills. I graduated college in December and have been looking for work for 6 months but so far I have had no luck. Therefore I am in the process of getting alternative teacher certification because odd photography jobs and substitute teaching is barely doing anything to help. I cant buy new things for my boys, I cant afford to put them in extracurriculars, etc.... I think the combination of my inability to find work even though I am educated as well as the boys desire to live with their father has left me feeling incredibly defeated. 

maybe this whole arrangement is too good to be true.. simple frown

by on May. 7, 2015 at 3:53 PM
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So with his work schedule, how will that look if you decide to go joint custody?.  The kids will still be with a sitter more often than being in dad's care while there?  What if you gave him more time, like when father has other days off, even during the weeknights could you give him that time as welll for a couple of hours?  I wouldn't completely let him have custody.  Joint doesn't have to mean splitting even days, Joint could mean inviting him as much to the kids appointments, school functions, etc.   This is what a good mom would do to ensure the children have as much time to seeing their dad as possible. Look at all the other possibilities of letting the kids visit him as much as possible when he isn't working. When father makes up excuses, just keep going forward ensuring father is aware of everything taking place that involves the children.  Always think of your children needing to be in father's life too.

I do undertand about extra carricular act, and it's hard when parents are divorced and one parent doesn't want to be chauffering child to said act. Or doesn't feel has to pay for half the act, maybe ask him for that money for when children want to be in said act. Many reasons parents make excuses- is when not in other parent's jurisdictiion - driving to said place, too far, etc.  Having to give up their free time while in said parent's home when they should be able to have their visitation, etc.  all comes into place.

The end result by going for 1/2 time for each parent, as I stated before, he could find every little fault and want the kids to live with him on a full time basis.  Family Court Judges don't tend to care about the past, they only go forward.  They don't read anything in the case file of the past.  I learned that through my own case.

With all said and due, perhaps your ex will be more resilient and understanding if he thinks of the kids also needing to be with their mother often. 

Remember, now that you are divorced, look at it as "A BUSINESS JOB ONLY."


by on May. 7, 2015 at 5:10 PM
How will this work with you moving away? I can't imagine as a mom not wanting my babies around as much as possible, sorry I don't understand your point of view....

On a side note... Our family is military and we move every few years, the kids always do great. Kids are resilient!
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