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Please someone tell me i'm not alone in this????

Posted by on Oct. 29, 2015 at 11:59 AM
  • 7 Replies




First off I have to begin by saying if you have bashing to do take it elsewhere because I will not respond...

 I have been dealing with bi-polar disorder most of my life and just need advice/ to vent.

There are SO many days when I just want to stay in bed. I just hate myself constantly in every aspect of my life. EX: I'm not worthy of my husbands love because I'm overweight I don't deserve my children because what if I passed this onto them? I don't want friends or family around because I'm scared they will be able to see how I am really feeling through my fake smile. How empty, how hopeless, how dark I really feel. I hate myself, so surely everyone else must to right? I know my thoughts, my feelings, my short comings, I know every single bad thing about myself. From my disgusting body, to how I just want to stay in bed, how I just want someone to "fix" whatever is wrong with me, how some days I am able to see how amazingly fantastic my life is and how blessed I am and other days I do nothing but cry because I feel as if I don't deserve it. The thing is no matter how clean my house is, no matter how amazing these gourmet meals are, no matter how much time and affection I give to my children and husband. It's never good enough for me? I've always told myself, oh well when your house is the cleanest, when you can cook THE BEST, when you are the parent so involved in the school and groups around town that everyone knows you THEN you will be good enough. THEN you will feel better. Now I'm here, I'm doing all of these things and I feel 100 times worse? I'm on my meds and they were working fantastic I felt like I could take on the world.. I felt as if I was finally feeling how I looked on the outside. Then all of a sudden I cant stop crying I can't focus , I don't want to do anything. I again have become worthless in my own eyes and deserve nothing??? Seriously wtf? I feel like im fucking crazy, I mean does anyone else in the entire world FEEL like this? I am so desperate to no longer feel this awful despair, to just feel like a normal human being. To be ok with my short comings. I don't suppose I'm looking for anything in particular, I just wanted to vent and know if anyone feels this or ever has. Will it ever go away??? 



by on Oct. 29, 2015 at 11:59 AM
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Replies (1-7):
momof337
by Stephanie on Oct. 29, 2015 at 12:11 PM
1 mom liked this
I am so sorry you re going thru this Hugs
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nerthus
by Member on Oct. 30, 2015 at 12:15 PM
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You're not alone, I think a lot of people go through crises of self and soul at least once in life and sometimes repeatedly. I think if  your meds worked before but now don't it might be that their effectiveness has worn off and you just need to see your doctor and let him or her know and get a different type of medication to see if that will help again.  I know several people who have clinical depression or bipolar problems and they've all had to change their meds more than once.  I struggle with some of the same feelings you do but meds aren't the answer for me personally because I am way too sensitive to all of them and have terrible sickness and reactions and side effects, no matter what they give me. So I've had to rely on figuring out a way to deal with rough spots in the road, so to speak, through shifting my perspective on things and my perception of everything from my own body and mind to the world around me. I was raised a Christian and I'd say over the past decade especially my views of myself, life, and spirituality have changed so that I no longer consider myself a practicing Christian, just an admirer of Jesus and his basic teachings. My son became a Buddhist years ago and tried to teach me some of its main tenets, but I am horribly scatter-brained and I could never sit and 'meditate' as he could do. He was clnically depressed and had a big hatred for pharmaceuticals; he had tried checking himself into a psychiatric facility at one point, went through the meds thing and just hated it, said they all made him feel anything from nothing at all to this detached sense that if he killed people it would be okay because they weren't real, anyway. When he got to that point on meds it terrified him and he stopped. But then he felt suicidal, and he never believed in any of the Christian faith tenets so he found Buddhism and it just clicked for him. He had become an alchoholic and it ruined his health; by the time he became a Buddhist he was basically living on borrowed time because his heart was damaged from aspirating in rehab, going into respiratory arrest, and being in a coma on a ventilator for days. He had developed enlarged heart and damaged lungs from that and that led to his having terribly swollen legs and feet at times, full of fluid, and congestive heart failure. He felt the first peace he'd ever really had when he became a Buddhist, and I wished I could  'get it' like he did but at the time I just couldn't focus on those precepts. My son died 6 weeks ago at age 31, I found him in the living room floor shortly before 1 am and did cpr and called 911 but he was beyond saving. Since then I have been in such grief and missing him so much; he lived with me and his autistic sister here in my house and he was basically my best friend; he had a very high IQ and we could talk for hours about literature, a great love of both of us, and about music, current events, just anything. I miss him so much, having those great conversations with him and bringing him his favorite foods and listening for hours to our favorite classic vinyl albums on his new turntable he'd bought and was so proud of...so it's been hard and I've been going through depression that makes me feel downright crazy this past month. I feel your pain.

But oddly enough my pain has opened my heart and my soul to the Buddhist precepts my son held so dear. I am not trying to 'convert' you to any religion and know nothing of your own spiritual beliefs if you have them; my youngest daughter is an atheist, my son was a Buddhist, I was raised Christian and most of my relatives range from very fundamentalist Christians to evangelical Christians to agnostic. So I don't judge at all. But I'm just sharing this about your saying you hate your body and how you look and feel inside it; in Buddhism one of the main tenets is loving compassion for oneself and one's physical form. For a Buddhist the body is the vehicle through which your soul experiences life and the universe and learns through being embodied here on earth; another major precept of Buddhism is impermanence, including the impermanent state of our bodies, so we know our bodies won't last forever. So the goal is to show loving kindness for yourself and your body, to have friendliness and compassion for your own physical shell and to realize that no matter how attractive/unattractive you might perceive yourself to be or how your body functions, it is still a gift to you because you are unique in all the history of the universe and without your 'vehicle' you would not be able to have the loving experiences you have with your spouse and children and the totally unique experience of seeing the world through your own physical eyes. Your body was the vehicle as well through which your children were able to come here in physical forms to have THEIR experiences on this earth, so your body is deserving of your own care, love, and compassion for it. Thank your body daily for being your vehicle through which you can learn and grow and show love and compassion to your family, friends, and all beings. For Buddhists the big thing is that, to show loving compassion for ALL beings, no matter how evil they might seem, and to pray/meditate daily on that sutra and to wish the release from suffering for ALL beings and to wish loving compassion for ALL beings, including lower animals. Just changing your perception of your own body and your place in creation and the universe as a unique seer and explorer of it can take you outside your own misery and head and open things up to wider vistas. I know my son hated on one hand how weak and ill he became at the end; he was a big man, 300 lbs at the end because he had so much fluid in his body from congestive heart failure; he had trouble walking, his heart beat so erratically and his lips would turn blue sometimes; we had oxygen tanks and machines in the living room to help him breathe sometimes. But to me his poor, sick body was the holy container of his beautiful soul, and I simply loved him so much; I would give so much to be able to kiss his forehead again and hold his hands and ruffle his beard and grumble about how he needed to trim it and look again into his beautiful blue eyes and see his beloved soul inside looking back at me. My comfort is in  knowing he is no longer in any pain, is no longer suffering; but it doesn't make me miss his physical presence here with me any less. So be kind to your body as far as appreciating all it does for you; its outward appearance does reflect to some degree our inner spiritual state, but just realize your body is a friend to you in the sense of allowing you to have these earthly physical experiences and to interact here with your fellow humans. In one sense our bodies are illusions, we think we are ONLY these bodies in a sense and that causes all kinds of feelings of separation and alienation from every other human who doesn't have our body or share our specific mind. But we are really all the same, we all have the same feelings and fears and sadnesses and griefs, and if we can't start by being kind and compassionate first of all to ourselves, then how can we show that to anyone else? So don't be so hard on yourself; no one is perfect, and even if we have the perfectly cleaned house and matching china and we drive the right car and send our kids to the right schools and so on, all these things will pass away and are exterior, elusive objects that can't satisfy our inmost soul. Learning that we are here to hopefully teach ourselves and help others learn the actions of compassion and love and empathy without judgment or condemnation is far more important than always wanting more things, always being attached to things we can't hold onto forever, even our family. The Buddhists have The Four Noble Truths, and the first two are (1) in life there is suffering and (2) suffering is caused from attachment/desire. The whole framework of Buddhism is learning how to escape the endless round of suffering, and while I myself don't hold to all their beliefs, many of the precepts and prayers and meditations are quite austerely beautiful and filled with a simple truth.

You don't have to be a Buddhist to practice appreciating your body, your family, your life just from moment to moment; in meditations Buddhists learn to breathe, to see each thought that arises in one's head as impermanent and fleeting, as are our emotions, which are subject to change like the weather. But the main truths of love and compassion never go away, never change, and when our bodies fall away and we move beyond them, that is all we can take with us. Try not to worry so much about every single feeling you have all day, about making things around you perfect or having to control or be in control of everything. In life that just isn't possible; if I could I would have kept my son here with me for decades more, I would have chosen to die before my son because no parent wants to outlive their child. It is a pain like no other; I lost my mom 2 years ago, my ex father-in-law and brother-in-law as well over the past 2 years ( I am still close with my ex's family so to me they were family, period); but losing Daniel my son is the most agonizing pain I've ever endured. And I'm 53, maybe still have many years ahead of me without his presence, and that is a hard thought to deal with when I miss him so and know I always will. But I also rejoice in having been his mother, in the depths of love and the bond we had and how when he left he took none of his journals or Buddhist books or video games or classic literature books he loved so much with him; he took only his soul and the love he picked up and shared with everyone here on earth, and that is what matters at the end of the day for each of us. I pray you will feel better soon and if a change in meds will help I pray the doctors will find the best ones for you; I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers (I do pray to God, I guess I'm a weird mix of Christian/Buddhist these days, ha) and hope you will have a wonderful weekend.

athorne
by Bronze Member on Oct. 31, 2015 at 12:05 AM
I'm sorry. There are a lot of people that feel like you do. Just remember that things are never as bad as they seem and as long as you are doing your best, then you should be fine. You can even look and done things that you can do to make you feel better and give yourself a chance to relax.Just take it easy. Hope you feel better soon. 🙏
Asoza573
by New Member on Oct. 31, 2015 at 2:21 AM
Wow. Your post is really brave. Good for you for reaching out. You should really find a support group or some sort of group therapy. I think it would help you immensely. I'm not bi-polar but I have my issues and having support group meetings help me.
jws120567
by on Oct. 31, 2015 at 3:45 AM

Sweetie, you're going through a really serious depression!  I remeber feeling exactly the way you do, it's a horrible feeling!  Please get the support of a professional, someone who can adjust your medications until you feel better, you don't deserve to feel this badly!

nerthus
by Member on Oct. 31, 2015 at 10:34 AM

Hope  you are feeling  better today; like the other ladies here have said, reach out to others and see your doctor as well and don't suffer alone in this; we all need others who care to be around us at times like this in our lives.

noahsmommy1223
by New Member on Nov. 3, 2015 at 9:51 AM

Thank you ladies for your words of advice, they all are so encouraging. It feels good just to get it out, I will call and make an appointment to look into changing my meds. I appreciate the kind words and the prayers probably more than ya'll know, Thank you !!!!! I will keep you updated if you'd like hopefully these feelings and emotions will be gone soon,

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