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I ruined my marriage

Posted by on Oct. 5, 2017 at 11:55 AM
  • 10 Replies
We’ve been together since senior yr of hs and he was my first. I went away for college to come back and find out he had cheated a few times. He had some major emotional stuff going on so we somehow managed to work it out. A yr later my dad died and we eventually broke up and got back together a few times. Mostly during our breaks I went through a young 20s sleeping around phase, some of it was just plain cheating some of it was payback, some of it was my way of grieving. When we finally decided to get back together I never told him about all my extracurriculars. I was using protection, constantly getting tested and was generally practicing safe sex so I didn’t feel the need to share that info. Plus, I was ashamed. So we started the whole moving in together thing still broke up a few more times b/c he constantly had girls calling and texting and he’d sometimes entertain it and I was relentless in my guilt trips. We both had emo issues and needed therapy but somehow we remained bffs and managed to work through things together.

Fast forward 10-11yrs. We’re married with 2 kids, careers, a house the whole nine. No relationship drama whatsoever. We’re more connected and in tune than ever then... We move to an obscure little town and go out for dinner with our kids and leave a restaurant and run into one of the guys I used to deal with. DH senses the awkwardness immediately and questions me about it. I came clean about everything. He was heartbroken I was ashamed, embarrassed heartbroken and whatever else. We went to therapy and it seemed to help for a while. It’s been a year now and things are generally back to normal, but he doesn’t trust me, he has nightmares that I’m cheating. (I haven’t done anything since before we got engaged 11yrs who) but DH got caught in a handful of lies a few months before we ran into the guy at the restaurant. I love him more than anything and I know he loves me. We’ve both struggled early in our lives and things probably would have been easier if we had those normal growing pains as completely single young ppI. But we didn’t and here we are. I don’t really have a question, but I can’t talk to anyone about this so I just kinda needed to share with someone other than my therapist.
by on Oct. 5, 2017 at 11:55 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Malissa1578
by Bronze Member on Oct. 5, 2017 at 12:20 PM
1 mom liked this

I think the issues he has with you are direct reflection of his own lies and cheating, as you have not been doing any of the things you previously were doing for many years now... I wish you guys luck in this. 

coolmommy2x
by Ruby Member on Oct. 5, 2017 at 1:02 PM
I agree with you.

Quoting Malissa1578:

I think the issues he has with you are direct reflection of his own lies and cheating, as you have not been doing any of the things you previously were doing for many years now... I wish you guys luck in this. 

wandep
by Silver Member on Oct. 5, 2017 at 1:36 PM

Welcome to CM...hopefully others can help you out.

Quoting Cheese11: We’ve been together since senior yr of hs and he was my first. I went away for college to come back and find out he had cheated a few times. He had some major emotional stuff going on so we somehow managed to work it out. A yr later my dad died and we eventually broke up and got back together a few times. Mostly during our breaks I went through a young 20s sleeping around phase, some of it was just plain cheating some of it was payback, some of it was my way of grieving. When we finally decided to get back together I never told him about all my extracurriculars. I was using protection, constantly getting tested and was generally practicing safe sex so I didn’t feel the need to share that info. Plus, I was ashamed. So we started the whole moving in together thing still broke up a few more times b/c he constantly had girls calling and texting and he’d sometimes entertain it and I was relentless in my guilt trips. We both had emo issues and needed therapy but somehow we remained bffs and managed to work through things together. Fast forward 10-11yrs. We’re married with 2 kids, careers, a house the whole nine. No relationship drama whatsoever. We’re more connected and in tune than ever then... We move to an obscure little town and go out for dinner with our kids and leave a restaurant and run into one of the guys I used to deal with. DH senses the awkwardness immediately and questions me about it. I came clean about everything. He was heartbroken I was ashamed, embarrassed heartbroken and whatever else. We went to therapy and it seemed to help for a while. It’s been a year now and things are generally back to normal, but he doesn’t trust me, he has nightmares that I’m cheating. (I haven’t done anything since before we got engaged 11yrs who) but DH got caught in a handful of lies a few months before we ran into the guy at the restaurant. I love him more than anything and I know he loves me. We’ve both struggled early in our lives and things probably would have been easier if we had those normal growing pains as completely single young ppI. But we didn’t and here we are. I don’t really have a question, but I can’t talk to anyone about this so I just kinda needed to share with someone other than my therapist.


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by Sapphire Member on Oct. 5, 2017 at 2:45 PM
1 mom liked this

Welcome to CafeMom,
I agree w/ this as well :)

Quoting Malissa1578:

I think the issues he has with you are direct reflection of his own lies and cheating, as you have not been doing any of the things you previously were doing for many years now... I wish you guys luck in this. 


Bmat
by Emerald Member on Oct. 5, 2017 at 2:59 PM
2 moms liked this

If the affairs took place before you were married, then you haven't broken your vow of faithfulness. Whether you should have disclosed before you were married... I'd say if he didn't ask, then you didn't need to tell.

Clairwil
by Gold Member on Oct. 14, 2017 at 9:05 AM

It took both of you to get to where you are now.

And people tend to suspect others of the behaviour that they, themselves, are tempted to do.

snflwrgrl
by New Member on Oct. 16, 2017 at 6:02 PM
You love him more than anything and you know he loves you. How wonderful!! Do you think it would help if you both continued seeing a counselor together or if you each saw one separately to continue working on your past emotional issues, shame, and his nightmares? My husband and I talked to our pastor and we saw a Christian counselor that gave us really good, sound advice when our marriage was struggling. Maybe one of those can help you too. :) You are not alone!! I will be praying for you and your husband, for complete healing and restoration to your marriage. Don’t give up! Your marriage is worth it! I’m glad you reached out!
Hottmomma607
by Trica on Oct. 16, 2017 at 6:57 PM
I agree with this.

Quoting Bmat:

If the affairs took place before you were married, then you haven't broken your vow of faithfulness. Whether you should have disclosed before you were married... I'd say if he didn't ask, then you didn't need to tell.

Clarity-1
by Member on Oct. 16, 2017 at 8:52 PM
I agree!

Quoting Clairwil:

It took both of you to get to where you are now.

And people tend to suspect others of the behaviour that they, themselves, are tempted to do.

LoisLane78
by New Member on Oct. 18, 2017 at 2:29 PM

You two have been through a lot and managed to stay together.  There's something to be said for that.  I don't believe in divorce, especially when kids are involved.  Have you considered couples counseling?  Have you heard of The National Institute of Marriage?  It's a retreat that helps married couples.There is also a lot of free help online, if you are willing to work on your marriage.  I use this site often when dealing with marriage issues.

http://bit.ly/2il5IPS

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