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Husband had lap dance with sexual contact and I can't get over it! I am deeply hurt!

I realize this has been a topic of discussion before. However, I am in need of some support and advice. My husband of almost 20 years has visited Numerous strip clubs the first 10 to 12 years of our marriage. I gave him my blessing to go because I completely trusted my husband. To make this a very long story short, he said him and his friends ended up not going to the club. Was no big deal to me I trusted him and assumed it was just a bunch of guys drinking and watching women. The story spans for about 10 years. I have caught him in the Lie after lie after lie about going to these clubs. (Mostly drunk slip ups from his friends) One time one of his friends slipped up and mentioned a lap dance. And even then I got very angry but didn't question much. I didn't realize a lap dance had physical contact and I would have never thought my husband would do that. Throughout all of this my only problem was that he was lying about it. I had given my blessing to go and have fun with his friends so I couldn't understand why he would lie about it. Like I said this is been over the course of a decade and just a few nights ago we were having a general conversation about a lap dance and I asked what it consists of, he became very uncomfortable this automatically made me ask a few more questions, unlike I did for years prior. I never even questioned the lap dance because I assumed it was just a little more gyrating in Normal. And again, I trusted my husband , I would have never dreamt that I needed to lay down ground rules, if he went (which he lied anyways and said he didn't ) guess I was wrong, I have just learned that my husband has had at least two private room lap dances. Each time the woman was 100% naked as she grinded on my husband's genitals and he felt her up and playing with her nipples, and to top it off she placed her bare naked vagina within an inch or two of his face. We had already had a fight because I disapproved of the lap dance, I didn't disapprove of him going there with a few friends and watching the women and when I found about the lap dance I assumed it was just a little more Twerking, I never imagined there with the physical contact. He knew how much this upset me but still chose to go back and have a private room lap dance and fondle another naked women. To top it off, he went the following year and repeated the same thing. We have had a very good marriage with normal ups and downs. He said to me that he didn't feel that this was cheating because there was no emotion involved and she was just an object. In my opinion this was absolutely cheating. He hid this from me for a decade, and during the decade visited other clubs. He said no other lap dances occurred, but I don't really believe anything he says to me right now. I believe my husband is a good man Who made bad choices, and I think we can all make mistakes, my question to everyone is would you consider this cheating?? I absolutely do! But if I want to try and salvage my marriage where do I begin? How do I move forward? We have an appointment with a marriage counselor but we can't get in for one week. It's hard for me to believe that he felt having a naked woman grind on his genitals while he played with her breast and nipples and had her naked vagina a few inches from his face, was not cheating. It makes me feel like I don't know my husband at all! He has preached from day one that he would never tolerate cheating. For those of you who have been through this please help me try and figure out if I can repair my marriage, and if I can where do I begin?
by on Nov. 24, 2017 at 1:13 AM
Replies (71-74):
stargazrmj
by New Member on Nov. 25, 2017 at 4:02 PM
1 mom liked this

To me, if it's physical, it's wrong!  If he lied, he did something wrong!  I agree that he needs to admit his behavior wrong before it's going to be possible for you to move past it and this type of behavior shouldn't happen again.  He broke trust.  If he truly wants to rectify the situation to keep his marriage strong and secure, changes need to be made. 

zeesmuse
by Silver Member on Nov. 25, 2017 at 10:07 PM

He cheated. Just because there was 'no emotion' involved, doesn't make it any less so. I suspect there is no emotion involved in hiring a prostitute, except the elation that the whore will have for getting paid. 

I couldn't trust him at all. Keep that marriage counseling appointment, but the fact he KNEW it upset you, that he felt he had to lie about it, and then he shrugged it off? I couldn't trust the man and I have more self-respect for myself than to stick it out. but that's just me. 

Muffet60
by New Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 10:38 PM

So have you been to the counseling yet? How did it go? And I agree with you, it was cheating. But I would not be ok with my husband even wanting to go to a place like that. That would have been the point where we went to counseling because there would have been something off if my husband had voiced that request. And I would expect him to call me out if I wanted to go see male strippers, etc. We're true and devoted to each other in mind, body, and spirit. Mutual respect and marital sanctity standards. No gray areas. 

Betsyvas89
by New Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 10:42 PM
Guys are disgusting my roommate on vacation her husband bring somebody over almost every other day . if he does this tho of things I wouldn't trust . my husband never been to a club he says there different type of men you can tell who a cheater who isn't. Just be careful girl
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