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Husband had lap dance with sexual contact and I can't get over it! I am deeply hurt!

Posted by on Nov. 24, 2017 at 1:13 AM
  • 74 Replies
I realize this has been a topic of discussion before. However, I am in need of some support and advice. My husband of almost 20 years has visited Numerous strip clubs the first 10 to 12 years of our marriage. I gave him my blessing to go because I completely trusted my husband. To make this a very long story short, he said him and his friends ended up not going to the club. Was no big deal to me I trusted him and assumed it was just a bunch of guys drinking and watching women. The story spans for about 10 years. I have caught him in the Lie after lie after lie about going to these clubs. (Mostly drunk slip ups from his friends) One time one of his friends slipped up and mentioned a lap dance. And even then I got very angry but didn't question much. I didn't realize a lap dance had physical contact and I would have never thought my husband would do that. Throughout all of this my only problem was that he was lying about it. I had given my blessing to go and have fun with his friends so I couldn't understand why he would lie about it. Like I said this is been over the course of a decade and just a few nights ago we were having a general conversation about a lap dance and I asked what it consists of, he became very uncomfortable this automatically made me ask a few more questions, unlike I did for years prior. I never even questioned the lap dance because I assumed it was just a little more gyrating in Normal. And again, I trusted my husband , I would have never dreamt that I needed to lay down ground rules, if he went (which he lied anyways and said he didn't ) guess I was wrong, I have just learned that my husband has had at least two private room lap dances. Each time the woman was 100% naked as she grinded on my husband's genitals and he felt her up and playing with her nipples, and to top it off she placed her bare naked vagina within an inch or two of his face. We had already had a fight because I disapproved of the lap dance, I didn't disapprove of him going there with a few friends and watching the women and when I found about the lap dance I assumed it was just a little more Twerking, I never imagined there with the physical contact. He knew how much this upset me but still chose to go back and have a private room lap dance and fondle another naked women. To top it off, he went the following year and repeated the same thing. We have had a very good marriage with normal ups and downs. He said to me that he didn't feel that this was cheating because there was no emotion involved and she was just an object. In my opinion this was absolutely cheating. He hid this from me for a decade, and during the decade visited other clubs. He said no other lap dances occurred, but I don't really believe anything he says to me right now. I believe my husband is a good man Who made bad choices, and I think we can all make mistakes, my question to everyone is would you consider this cheating?? I absolutely do! But if I want to try and salvage my marriage where do I begin? How do I move forward? We have an appointment with a marriage counselor but we can't get in for one week. It's hard for me to believe that he felt having a naked woman grind on his genitals while he played with her breast and nipples and had her naked vagina a few inches from his face, was not cheating. It makes me feel like I don't know my husband at all! He has preached from day one that he would never tolerate cheating. For those of you who have been through this please help me try and figure out if I can repair my marriage, and if I can where do I begin?
by on Nov. 24, 2017 at 1:13 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Bmat
by Emerald Member on Nov. 24, 2017 at 8:34 AM

eww, is that what they do in lap dances- that's disgusting. Did he really do this?

Anyway, keep your couples counseling appt.

Animalsareloyal
by Member on Nov. 24, 2017 at 9:22 AM
Maybe not all lap dances consist of this behavior but the ones done in a private room are much more involved. I researched the club he went to in Canada and their rules are much more lax than in the US. I got him to confess to her being 100% naked, grinding on his genitals, while his pants were on, he felt her breasts and nipples and she had her naked vagina in his face. That's what I got him to confess to because I threatened to leave. What else happened?? How do I k ow it stopped there?

I could really use some support and advice. He said he felt horribly guilty because he knew it was wrong but didn't consider it cheating. And he was so guilt ridden he went back and did it again a year later??? I feel blindsided but who I thought was a decent husband who would never cheat.

Is this cheating? (to me it is) I just want some other views on the situation.
Anyone, please help me understand!!!
lapcounter
by Super Mom on Nov. 24, 2017 at 9:25 AM
2 moms liked this
I have been to two clubs and that's not what happened, I don't know what kind of shaddy places he is going to but they are not suppose to touch the girls.
superbutt
by Gold Member on Nov. 24, 2017 at 9:28 AM
1 mom liked this
There are many clubs where touching is allowed. Some are very 'nice'

Quoting lapcounter: I have been to two clubs and that's not what happened, I don't know what kind of shaddy places he is going to but they are not suppose to touch the girls.
kns2004
by Member on Nov. 24, 2017 at 9:30 AM
4 moms liked this
Tell him to reverse the roles and ask him if some guy was rubbing himself all over you and you were touching the guy. Would he consider that cheating. I agree with you, I feel it's cheating.
virginiamama71
by Carrie on Nov. 24, 2017 at 9:31 AM
You should go with him.
MSMOUSE0519
by Member on Nov. 24, 2017 at 9:31 AM
1 mom liked this

Honestly, I don't consider it cheating. My man is more than welcome to go to the club. Hell I have even been myself with and ex and I used to waitress at the club.

It's just dancing and that's how some woman make there money. It't not like his dick was in her vagina. As long as he is coming home to you every night and sleeping with you, I don't consider it a big deal.

I understand your are hurt and very upset. But it's not that big of deal. Maybe you have bigger issues that go deeper than that.

Animalsareloyal
by Member on Nov. 24, 2017 at 9:47 AM
This is in Canada and the rules are different. He was completely allowed to do what he did. I even read reviews of fingers being inserted. And what I said happened was by his own admission :(

Quoting lapcounter: I have been to two clubs and that's not what happened, I don't know what kind of shaddy places he is going to but they are not suppose to touch the girls.
Animalsareloyal
by Member on Nov. 24, 2017 at 9:52 AM
1 mom liked this
Just to understand better on my end, you feel that marriage vows don't exist in a strip club? He fondled another woman privately on two occasions and lied about it. He had a sexual encounter with other woman, and felt their naked bodies, pinching nipples and grinding of a naked woman. Just because there was no emotion involved and he threw money at her doesn't make it ok in my eyes. Does it yours?

Quoting MSMOUSE0519:

Honestly, I don't consider it cheating. My man is more than welcome to go to the club. Hell I have even been myself with and ex and I used to waitress at the club.

It's just dancing and that's how some woman make there money. It't not like his dick was in her vagina. As long as he is coming home to you every night and sleeping with you, I don't consider it a big deal.

I understand your are hurt and very upset. But it's not that big of deal. Maybe you have bigger issues that go deeper than that.

The_Doodle
by Silver Member on Nov. 24, 2017 at 9:53 AM
2 moms liked this

If he didn't consider it cheating, then why did he lie about it? He obviously knew it is something that would upset you or he wouldn't have been so secretive about it. If he is adamant about him not doing anything wrong, then there isn't much you can do. He needs to admit what he did was wrong before either of you can move past it. You can't fix this alone.

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