Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Favoritism and In-Law Issues

Posted by on Dec. 5, 2017 at 9:39 PM
  • 17 Replies
Ok, so I get along with my mother-in-law pretty well. However, my husband and I have issues with his brother and his brother’s girlfriend. They are grown adults (30’s), but have not always been responsible in all aspects of life. They depend on my mother-in-law for financial help, even with jobs. They have 3 kids and ALWAYS asks my MIL to watch their kids, so we can’t always get help with ours. The girlfriend is using my MIL for her money and time and can be very manipulative, which I’m sure my MIL doesn’t see. We have been tired of them using my MIL and have been done with them. Because they always asks my MIL to watch their kids, and always asks her for favors, we already see her favoritism for them. What should we do? Or just continue to ignore them and let it be and continue our separate ways?
by on Dec. 5, 2017 at 9:39 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
virginiamama71
by Carrie on Dec. 5, 2017 at 9:47 PM
1 mom liked this
Favoritism is common in most families. We shouldn't let it keep us from keeping a relationship with our families.
LoveSimply
by New Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 9:53 PM
The thing about my MIL is that she has such a big heart (bless her heart!) and will continue to help people, but is naive when she’s being taken advantage of, which is clearly what they are doing. They don’t want to be responsible adults and because they know she will drop everything to help, they will continue to take advantage of her. She’s even had broken past relationships because of this and now, her current partner is tired of them using her and complains and vents to us about it. He has even said she is worn down and stressing herself over helping them and overwhelmed by all of their irresponsibilities, but continues to fuel them and give them what they want. My kids don’t even get to see them as much, because they spend all of their time with them.
lovingladyo4
by Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 10:00 PM
1 mom liked this

I know that just because you can anticipate these things happening, it doesn't make it any easier to question why it works this way.

You seem convinced your mother-in-law doesn't see the patterns here.

Does she have any reason to believe you don't need her babysitting and financial "services", so therefore is like a magnet to the brother who does need her? I have no way of knowing this - just speculating. 

anonomomma
by Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 10:02 PM
2 moms liked this
You can't control other people and the relationships they choose. You and your husband are capable people and she knows that. She most likely gives her other son more because he is less capable. Things aren't always as they appear. Don't let the crappy BIL and GF ruin your relationship with your MIL.
virginiamama71
by Carrie on Dec. 5, 2017 at 10:04 PM
If you want your children to spend time with their Grandmother just go over to her house even when the other children are there. They are all family so it should be fun for everyone to be together. Don't wait to be invited or time to be set aside.

Quoting LoveSimply: The thing about my MIL is that she has such a big heart (bless her heart!) and will continue to help people, but is naive when she’s being taken advantage of, which is clearly what they are doing. They don’t want to be responsible adults and because they know she will drop everything to help, they will continue to take advantage of her. She’s even had broken past relationships because of this and now, her current partner is tired of them using her and complains and vents to us about it. He has even said she is worn down and stressing herself over helping them and overwhelmed by all of their irresponsibilities, but continues to fuel them and give them what they want. My kids don’t even get to see them as much, because they spend all of their time with them.
LoveSimply
by New Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 10:07 PM
When we ask if they can watch the kids or even just what they are doing, they say “Oh, we already have the other kids over here” or “We have to watch the other kids”. So basically, if we want them to watch our kids, we have to schedule a date with them to see if they’re even available.
virginiamama71
by Carrie on Dec. 5, 2017 at 10:20 PM
1 mom liked this
What will she say if you don't ask and just show up at her house?

Quoting LoveSimply: When we ask if they can watch the kids or even just what they are doing, they say “Oh, we already have the other kids over here” or “We have to watch the other kids”. So basically, if we want them to watch our kids, we have to schedule a date with them to see if they’re even available.
LoveSimply
by New Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 10:21 PM
Yes, because my husband and I are responsible, she thinks we don’t need any help, therefore, all of her time is spent with them. Also, she says because my parents are in town and my BIL’s GF doesn’t have family in town (they live 1 hour away), that oh, we must have help, so we don’t need her as much as the others. We don’t always get help from my parents either, because they are out of town a lot. I guess because I have parents in town, we automatically get less help or time together. The thing is, my BIL’s GF always exaggerates everything and is really good at manipulating others.

Quoting lovingladyo4:

I know that just because you can anticipate these things happening, it doesn't make it any easier to question why it works this way.

You seem convinced your mother-in-law doesn't see the patterns here.

Does she have any reason to believe you don't need her babysitting and financial "services", so therefore is like a magnet to the brother who does need her? I have no way of knowing this - just speculating. 

lovingladyo4
by Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 10:29 PM
1 mom liked this

I guess the one good thing is that you can be thankful you don't operate like the girl friend does. Her inborn personality type could be driving her to act this way and she probably thinks nothing of it. 

I was more concerned for your MIL because of the possibility that babysitting all the time is fulfilling something inside of her. She might feel this is her purpose in life now - to be needed. She may also have the personality type that can't say no. She probably has the gift of serving or of mercy, as your description of her seems to fit this behavior. 

Quoting LoveSimply: Yes, because my husband and I are responsible, she thinks we don’t need any help, therefore, all of her time is spent with them. Also, she says because my parents are in town and my BIL’s GF doesn’t have family in town (they live 1 hour away), that oh, we must have help, so we don’t need her as much as the others. We don’t always get help from my parents either, because they are out of town a lot. I guess because I have parents in town, we automatically get less help or time together. The thing is, my BIL’s GF always exaggerates everything and is really good at manipulating others.
Quoting lovingladyo4:

I know that just because you can anticipate these things happening, it doesn't make it any easier to question why it works this way.

You seem convinced your mother-in-law doesn't see the patterns here.

Does she have any reason to believe you don't need her babysitting and financial "services", so therefore is like a magnet to the brother who does need her? I have no way of knowing this - just speculating. 


LoveSimply
by New Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 11:30 PM
She doesn’t like people coming unannounced. I wouldn’t like it either! She prefers to have them separately, as she gets overwhelmed when she has them all.

Quoting virginiamama71: What will she say if you don't ask and just show up at her house?

Quoting LoveSimply: When we ask if they can watch the kids or even just what they are doing, they say “Oh, we already have the other kids over here” or “We have to watch the other kids”. So basically, if we want them to watch our kids, we have to schedule a date with them to see if they’re even available.
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)