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Ok, so I get along with my mother-in-law pretty well. However, my husband and I have issues with his brother and his brother’s girlfriend. They are grown adults (30’s), but have not always been responsible in all aspects of life. They depend on my mother-in-law for financial help, even with jobs. They have 3 kids and ALWAYS asks my MIL to watch their kids, so we can’t always get help with ours. The girlfriend is using my MIL for her money and time and can be very manipulative, which I’m sure my MIL doesn’t see. We have been tired of them using my MIL and have been done with them. Because they always asks my MIL to watch their kids, and always asks her for favors, we already see her favoritism for them. What should we do? Or just continue to ignore them and let it be and continue our separate ways?
by on Dec. 5, 2017 at 9:39 PM
Replies (11-17):
LoveSimply
by New Member on Dec. 5, 2017 at 11:38 PM
Yes! God, no! I don’t know how she lives with herself with how she treats people and manipulating others.

But yes, she loves watching the kids, but she even said she is so behind on work because she is always watching their kids. We are literally watching her fall apart doing all of this, but she won’t listen to anyone and becomes quite offended if someone says something. Maybe we will continue to keep our distance and let her be. We are really concerned for her health and well-being. =/ My BIL and his GF should know better and stop taking advantage of her and grow up, be responsible and see that this is all taking a toll on her (mentally, physically, financially, and her marriage).

Quoting lovingladyo4:

I guess the one good thing is that you can be thankful you don't operate like the girl friend does. Her inborn personality type could be driving her to act this way and she probably thinks nothing of it. 

I was more concerned for your MIL because of the possibility that babysitting all the time is fulfilling something inside of her. She might feel this is her purpose in life now - to be needed. She may also have the personality type that can't say no. She probably has the gift of serving or of mercy, as your description of her seems to fit this behavior. 

Quoting LoveSimply: Yes, because my husband and I are responsible, she thinks we don’t need any help, therefore, all of her time is spent with them. Also, she says because my parents are in town and my BIL’s GF doesn’t have family in town (they live 1 hour away), that oh, we must have help, so we don’t need her as much as the others. We don’t always get help from my parents either, because they are out of town a lot. I guess because I have parents in town, we automatically get less help or time together. The thing is, my BIL’s GF always exaggerates everything and is really good at manipulating others.

Quoting lovingladyo4:

I know that just because you can anticipate these things happening, it doesn't make it any easier to question why it works this way.

You seem convinced your mother-in-law doesn't see the patterns here.

Does she have any reason to believe you don't need her babysitting and financial "services", so therefore is like a magnet to the brother who does need her? I have no way of knowing this - just speculating. 

virginiamama71
by Carrie on Dec. 6, 2017 at 7:42 AM
I don't think it would be a problem to show up unannounced. Just visit when you can or your husband can go without you and take the children.

Quoting LoveSimply: She doesn�t like people coming unannounced. I wouldn�t like it either! She prefers to have them separately, as she gets overwhelmed when she has them all.
Quoting virginiamama71: What will she say if you don't ask and just show up at her house?
Quoting LoveSimply: When we ask if they can watch the kids or even just what they are doing, they say �Oh, we already have the other kids over here� or �We have to watch the other kids�. So basically, if we want them to watch our kids, we have to schedule a date with them to see if they�re even available.
redbottoms
by Member on Dec. 6, 2017 at 7:44 AM
Same situation as my SIL and MIL. I cut off SIL and won't have anything to do with her or her kids period long ago. I also keep the kids away from MIL as much as I can. I have zero tolerance for favoritism.
redbottoms
by Member on Dec. 6, 2017 at 7:46 AM
your kids are going to notice how Grandma spends way more time and money on the other grandkids and its going to hurt their self esteem and their feelings. Its not a good thing for their pysches at all

Quoting LoveSimply: Yes, because my husband and I are responsible, she thinks we don’t need any help, therefore, all of her time is spent with them. Also, she says because my parents are in town and my BIL’s GF doesn’t have family in town (they live 1 hour away), that oh, we must have help, so we don’t need her as much as the others. We don’t always get help from my parents either, because they are out of town a lot. I guess because I have parents in town, we automatically get less help or time together. The thing is, my BIL’s GF always exaggerates everything and is really good at manipulating others.

Quoting lovingladyo4:

I know that just because you can anticipate these things happening, it doesn't make it any easier to question why it works this way.

You seem convinced your mother-in-law doesn't see the patterns here.

Does she have any reason to believe you don't need her babysitting and financial "services", so therefore is like a magnet to the brother who does need her? I have no way of knowing this - just speculating. 

MrsSimpf
by New Member on Dec. 7, 2017 at 11:30 AM
1 mom liked this

I think your last sentence is very wise--It's best to focus on your relationship with your MIL only and focus on your family. If MIL complains to you, you can gently remind her that they can only take advantage of her  with HER permission. No one is forcing her. I'd also caution against putting all blame on the SIL--her husband/boyfriend is a grown man going along with it as well but again, perhaps it's best if they work it out on their own. I'd recommend continuing on, don't let feelings of envy or favoritism creep in, and find some really good back-up sitters. Praying for you!

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Dec. 7, 2017 at 3:43 PM
1 mom liked this

MYOB about their relationship and "keep your side of the street clean".

perrywinkle
by Member on Dec. 7, 2017 at 7:15 PM
1 mom liked this
My in laws have raised my 11 year old nephew and babysit his sister several times a week. Obviously they get more attention than my kids, but we had to make a choice not to be bothered by it. They also baby sat our kids when needed but I tried not to ask too much. Truthfully, my nephew has idiot parents and he needs them more than my kids do. I am grateful for what they do. I do get a little upset that they are being taken advantage of, but that is their choice.
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