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I can’t read his mind, help!

Posted by on Dec. 7, 2017 at 1:44 AM
  • 6 Replies
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I’m looking for feedback. I have two older children from a father on the other side of the country that is uninvolved. A third (4 years old) from one who is completely out of her life, even off of the birth certificate.
I got married in September to the love of my life. A man who has no children of his own, and loves mind like they’re his. We have been going the the process of him adopting our youngest.
I would gladly have a 4th with him, but he is adamant that he doesn’t want any more. He wanted his own before me, but my three are enough.
I have tried to get him to agree that a 4th would be a great way to tie our family together, but he disagrees. We are very financially capable, emotionally stable. I see no reason why he wouldn’t want to.
One time a year ago I mentioned that I was having pregnancy symptoms and he was excited beyond belief, told me not to worry and he would be so happy if it were the case.
Now he seems irritated that I even ask if he’d like to try.

I hope someone can give their opinion. A part of me wants to leave it alone and respect his decision. Another part of me things he really wishes he could have a child of his own, but feels like he gave up on that wish by marrying me.

What do I do?
by on Dec. 7, 2017 at 1:44 AM
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Replies (1-6):
lucky2Beeme
by Platinum Member on Dec. 7, 2017 at 6:51 AM
You talk openly and honestly until you come to a decision you both agree to. Maybe after getting married and living with you and your children he sees what is involved in raising kids. Maybe that's why the change of heart. I personally woukd not push for another child with someone who wasn't completely onboard with it .
calsmom62
by Gold Member on Dec. 7, 2017 at 7:26 AM
1 mom liked this
this. having more children is not something to do if one party is not on board

Quoting lucky2Beeme: You talk openly and honestly until you come to a decision you both agree to. Maybe after getting married and living with you and your children he sees what is involved in raising kids. Maybe that's why the change of heart. I personally woukd not push for another child with someone who wasn't completely onboard with it .
Rubymom14
by New Member on Dec. 7, 2017 at 11:53 AM
I agree with that whole heartedly, and I am even okay either way, however I feel like he really does and is trying to spare my struggle. Hearing how difficult it was single parenting all of these years, he is trying to make my life easier by not having one.
I fear that he’s making this decision based on what’s best for me, not what he wants, and I worry that someday he will regret it.

Does that change your advice at all?
LancesMom
by Ruby Member on Dec. 7, 2017 at 12:55 PM

Sit down and tell him you'd really like another child. Ask him why he doesn't.

pEACEBWU
by New Member on Dec. 8, 2017 at 10:59 AM

I think it’s pretty wonderful you are so thoughtful of your husband!  How exciting the “love of your life” is adopting your youngest!  I was adopted by a wonderful step dad and what a blessing to go from an uninvolved father to a dad that treated me better than I could imagine.  Is it possible your husband just feels full, at this point?  I don’t know when the adoption process started but he may just need some things to settle before considering to add more?  It’s so hard to know what he wants if he’s not really communicating.  It sounds like he’s very supportive of your family no matter what he’s given, what a gift!  I think sometimes we can get in to trouble relationally when we try to assume, guess, or jump into major decisions without knowing the full truth.  I have found that sometimes my husband doesn’t know how he really feels about something.  Time, age and experience can change our desires too.  Sometimes people lose their dreams in the midst of lots of disappointments and have to be reminded that their dreams are just as important to pursue.  I don’t’ know if you are a woman of faith but I find for myself, in times my husband won’t discuss certain issues, my best action is prayer.  It’s hard enough to communicate and do relationships with all the pressures of life, sometimes the best thing we can do is pray over the situation and for our spouse.  If your husband won’t sit down and listen to your heart and desire for another child than perhaps giving him some time, to see if things change down the road?  It sounds like you are very blessed in your life together. 

I do know what it’s like to wait.  I also understand feeling that a child in a blended situation would be the knot that kept us together.  Been there and done that.  Looking back, I wish I’d know that wasn’t the case.  Adding another responsibility doesn’t always bring more unity.  Sometimes it actually brings division.  I had a son that was 7, a step son 6 and we got pregnant.  It was tough to juggle his, mine, and ours.  Each child with their own unique needs.  There was a bit of unintentional favoritism for our new life (shared child) while we deeply loved our other boys they were from another life.  I learned we don’t have children to make better bonds or deeper love.  Kids are a responsibility to raise another soul.  They are not to fill my love tanks or any other need I may have.  They don’t make my life fuller.  Yes, kids are a blessing that bring lots of joy, love and stretch us in ways we never imagined.  They require a lot of intentionality and learning, each with their own unique personalities.  As a mom with kids now ranging from 6 to adults I can say kids are in our life for such a short while.  Sometimes, when they go through their individuating you wonder if peace will ever return to your home.  Eventually, it does and it’s quiet.  Eventually, you miss them.  However, there’s a beauty that follows.  The friend and companion you share a life with now can get more time and energy.  I can’t tell you how few and far between times my husband and I have gotten away alone, raising kids.  When we acclimate, and get passed our only topic of raising our kids we find life can be so wonderful and fun together. 

Whether you and your husband enjoy life raising the beautiful children you brought to the table or add another one I pray your decision brings great peace to you!  What beautiful people you are!


Aboundingjoy
by New Member on Dec. 11, 2017 at 5:50 PM

It sounds to me like he doesn’t want more than 3 children for now.  I think you are trying to be considerate of him, but I don’t think insisting on 4 children when he’s content with 3 is fair for him.  Just out of curiosity, why did you guys decide to adopt then instead of having a biological child?  

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