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Completely overwhelmed.

Posted by on Dec. 17, 2017 at 8:54 PM
  • 19 Replies

Hi all. I hope I'm doing this right, and hopefully, I can get some help and advice. My name is Ava, I'm 24, and as of the September of this year, I'm apparently the mother of two kids. My sister and her husband were in a fatal car accident on their way out to a date night, drunk driver hit them head on, my sister died instantly, my brother in law passed away a few hours later in the ER. The kids were both with me, and I was named in their will to get the kids should something happen, which I'd agreed to, I just never actually thought it would happen. They were healthy adults in their early 30's, they don't just both die. 

The kids are Noah, who is 6, and was adopted by my sister and her husband as a newborn, and Caroline, who is 9 months and was a total surprise, she's their biological child. The fact that Noah is adopted is a bit of issue, only in so far that I have no idea how to handle it, because now technically both kids are adopted, plus his biological mother (it was a semi-open adoption) has started to try and cause some issues, and this isn't something I was ever prepared to handle. 

Raising two kids is a lot different than babysitting them for an evening, or taking one child out to the park for a few hours. I've gone from being a pretty carefree young adult to being a parent, which is something I never wanted to begin with. I'm a registered nurse, I work night shift in the ER, which is a pretty demanding job. I took 12 weeks of FMLA after the accident but I'm back at work now. My mother comes and stays with the kids on the nights I work, but she's older so sleeping here and giving the baby a bottle is really all she's able to do. And I now have a house. I took over my sister and brother in law's house, less change for the kids, but it's a lot different than living in an apartment in the middle of the city. 

I miss my sister, and I'm so angry at her for putting this on me, and I hate that I feel that way. I love the two kids, don't get me wrong, but I don't know if I love them the way a mother should, or if I should even try to be their mother, or if I should just try and stay their aunt. I miss my life, and there are a lot of times where i feel like I can't breathe. Cooking dinner tonight, listening to the baby crying while Noah is watching Frozen for the 90th time, I felt like I was drowning and i just wanted to run out the door. I go back to work tomorrow night, and I'm counting down the hours. I finally got both kids to bed and I'm praying they both stay asleep. 

by on Dec. 17, 2017 at 8:54 PM
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Replies (1-10):
virginiamama71
by Carrie on Dec. 17, 2017 at 9:06 PM
Becoming a parent and now your situation changes a person for the rest of their life. Give it more time. As time passes you will learn how to balance it all.

You should contact a lawyer about the adoption of Noah.
BooBooBoom
by on Dec. 18, 2017 at 5:21 AM

I'm so sorry, that's terrible. i have no advice, except take time for yourself as well. This is a huge change, and you have to still find time to really grieve your sister and her husband. Good luck. 

NBCS17
by on Dec. 18, 2017 at 8:47 AM


Quoting BooBooBoom:

I'm so sorry, that's terrible. i have no advice, except take time for yourself as well. This is a huge change, and you have to still find time to really grieve your sister and her husband. Good luck. 

that part is really hard, because I don't have anyone I can trust with the kids other than my mother and she's already doing a lot so i can't ask her to do more. For my sister and brother in law, I was the one who watched them, they didn't have any other established baby sitters. 

Bmat
by Emerald Member on Dec. 18, 2017 at 8:48 AM

What a tragedy for you and your family! I agree, get a lawyer about the adoption.

The children are suffering, do what you can to show them they have stability and love.

NBCS17
by on Dec. 18, 2017 at 8:49 AM


Quoting virginiamama71: Becoming a parent and now your situation changes a person for the rest of their life. Give it more time. As time passes you will learn how to balance it all. You should contact a lawyer about the adoption of Noah.

I'm trying, but it's so hard, and I have no idea if I'm making the right decisions. 

The actual adoption has already been handled, he was adopted by my sister and brother in law as a baby and my adoption of the kids has already been finalized, the lawyer was able to push it through quickly because it was pretty straight forward, so the legal part is handled. It's the rest of it, how to handle talking to him about him being adopted, how to handle his birth mother, that i have no idea how to do.

Bmat
by Emerald Member on Dec. 18, 2017 at 8:49 AM

I wonder if you could get maternity leave at work, since you really are a new mother.

 Just a thought.

NBCS17
by on Dec. 18, 2017 at 8:50 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Bmat:

What a tragedy for you and your family! I agree, get a lawyer about the adoption.

The children are suffering, do what you can to show them they have stability and love.

I guess I didn't make it very clear, but the legal part of the adoption has all been handled, it's the rest of it, how to talk to him about it, how to handle his birth mother and the original adoption, that I have no idea how to juggle. 

I'm trying. I do love them, I really do, but I have no idea if I love them the way they need right now, or if I'm making the right decisions.

NBCS17
by on Dec. 18, 2017 at 8:52 AM


Quoting Bmat:

I wonder if you could get maternity leave at work, since you really are a new mother.

 Just a thought.

I did, I took 12 weeks off with my FMLA, and technically I don't have to work, I could live off the insurance payouts, but I don't want to not work, I need that in my life, and I want the kids to have the majority of that money for school, so that I won't have to worry about that in the future. I only work three days a week, three 12 hour shifts, so I'm still mostly home. I'm also working only three weekend shifts in 8 weeks, so that I work mostly during the week and can be there with both kids on the weekends when Noah is out of school. 

Bmat
by Emerald Member on Dec. 18, 2017 at 8:54 AM

Thank you for clarifying.

You sound like a caring person. I feel that the situation will fall into place for you. It is fortunate that the children are used to being with you, this will help make the transition to their new lives easier for them.

I don't know about all new mothers, but I had a great deal of self-doubt when I became a mom. But as was said above, you all get into a routine and policies get established.

Quoting NBCS17:


Quoting Bmat:

What a tragedy for you and your family! I agree, get a lawyer about the adoption.

The children are suffering, do what you can to show them they have stability and love.

I guess I didn't make it very clear, but the legal part of the adoption has all been handled, it's the rest of it, how to talk to him about it, how to handle his birth mother and the original adoption, that I have no idea how to juggle. 

I'm trying. I do love them, I really do, but I have no idea if I love them the way they need right now, or if I'm making the right decisions.


virginiamama71
by Carrie on Dec. 18, 2017 at 8:56 AM
Since the biological Mother is causing some issues contact a lawyer with your concerns. Do you have the original adoption papers? Is she trying to take him back?

Search for some support groups online and in your area for parents who have adopted.


Quoting NBCS17:

Quoting virginiamama71: Becoming a parent and now your situation changes a person for the rest of their life. Give it more time. As time passes you will learn how to balance it all.









You should contact a lawyer about the adoption of Noah.

I'm trying, but it's so hard, and I have no idea if I'm making the right decisions. 

The actual adoption has already been handled, he was adopted by my sister and brother in law as a baby and my adoption of the kids has already been finalized, the lawyer was able to push it through quickly because it was pretty straight forward, so the legal part is handled. It's the rest of it, how to handle talking to him about him being adopted, how to handle his birth mother, that i have no idea how to do.

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