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not daddy

Posted by on Jul. 14, 2007 at 1:56 AM
  • 20 Replies
My son is 19 months old, his father and I haven't been together since before he was born. He has very little to do with him but makes it out to be he's the greatest father in the world. I'm a full time worker so my son goes to my sister's daycare. He's been calling her mama (he copies her kids he doesn't actually think she's mama) so I taught him "not the mama" which in his language translated into "not mama" well apparently this wasn't a good idea. Here's why. I've recently gotten engaged and my fiancee has taken so well to my son and vise versa that my son started calling him daddy.  I kept correcting him until I finally gave up. My fiancee says he enjoys and and why not he's more of a dad then his father has ever been.

Here comes the bad part. I allowed my son to talk to his dad on the phone. All I said was "wanna talk to daddy?" my son lit up and took the phone listened to his father's voice for a minute hands me the phone and says "Mama here, not daddy." My son will have nothing to do with his real father and his father keeps jumping my butt for it, insisting that I'm teaching my son to hate him. I really don't know how to fix this any one have any advice?
by on Jul. 14, 2007 at 1:56 AM
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by on Jul. 14, 2007 at 2:12 AM
Your son is just a baby and he is going to call the man that spends the most time with him and has a part in his life daddy. Your ex needs to get over it and realize that you cant influence a baby. He is just feeling guilty because he hasnt been a good father. Tell him if he wants the child to see him as a father figure he had better step up to the plate and play more of an active roll in his life. Toddlers need more than a dad that talks to them on the phone. If he doesnt want to make the effort than I see no harm in your fiance taking on the father role since he will be a big part of your sons life. Good luck.
by on Jul. 14, 2007 at 2:19 AM
If I were you I'd just tell the ex that he hasn't been the father and that your son at this age doesn't really understand. If your fiance is ok with your son calling him daddy. Let him it will only benifit your son. I believe that you can call any man a father but it takes a special man to be a daddy. My current BF is not my daughters dad but she calls him daddy anyways because her real father has never been around she doesn't know him at all. I rather her think my current BF is her father then not having one at all. Good luck.

by on Jul. 14, 2007 at 2:24 AM
Let your son call your fiance' daddy. It will be a great relief for you and for your son. As far as your ex is concerned just let him know that when the baby is old enough to understand you will explain to him that he is lucky enough to have 2 daddy's, and is loved by them both. One just can't be around all the time. A friend of mine went through kind fo the samething but he was the one entering the family. When he left California he was going to be a single dad right away because the mom was getting deployed, the only advice I could give him is to let the child go to him and try to understand where he is coming from and how he's feeling. Kids read into things differently then adults do so sometimes we just need that reminder to think about them and not how we are feeling about somthing that the child has said or done. I'm sure that on more then one occassion my friend has heard not daddy, but he has never called me discouraged about it!
by on Jul. 14, 2007 at 2:46 AM
That's a tough one.  And this suggestions is probably stupid, but I'll put it out there.  It's the 1st thing that came to my mind anyways.  Try adding your b/f name at the end of daddy (ie daddy tom).  But at his age that might not be possible either.  But you could still say it even if he can't so that he knows the difference.  Kinda like auntie pam & auntie sue etc...  Just a thought.  If you are consistent in referring to him that way, your son might catch on. 

by on Jul. 14, 2007 at 3:01 AM
I am a mother of four. I was married to a man who ended up with a drug problem,so I left him. When I left Our daughter was 3 and our son was 2. I am now remarried and both of them call him dad. They done it on their own. M y husband never came around. He would promise them he would come pick them up to spend the night,well my kids would be by the door with their things and everytime they seen lights their eyes would light up,until they seen it wasnt him. He would never show. I was always left with explaining where is daddy. I never say a bad word about him. I am honest with them now about why Shane(thats what they call him now) is in and out of jail. I dont tell them drugs.I just say that he done some wrong things and he has to be punished. My ex done the same thing. He says I put them up to calling Gary(my husband) dad. I told him that if his kids hate him its no ones fault but his. He hurt them not me. Deep down he knows it I think thats why he was so upset. They are now 9 and 8. They call Gary dad becouse when they are sick he is there, he is at ball practice. He takes them fishing. I think if your ex wants the title, he needs to do the job.
by on Jul. 14, 2007 at 3:04 AM
I think maybe I never learned this lesson til after the fact...but maybe it'll help you. Maybe your son's relationship or lack thereof with his father  is not your FAULT. Maybe, it is your son's father's responsibility...and just maybe he has neglected that responsibility and your son...while claiming the in going around telling everyon he is the world's greatest dad. And maybe reality kind of bit him back in the voice of your son. Just a thought.

by on Jul. 14, 2007 at 3:28 AM
My husband has been there from almost day 1 of my oldest sons life. He has called him daddy since his real dad didnt come around till he was around 2 and his real father got w/ a girl that wanted kids so it just worked out for him that he had one... that he never cared about until then!
So basically, my son didnt know him as his dad! and he called him by his real name.. and my ex threatened me so many times because of this. He STILL tells him every time my son has to go over there that hes his dad and he has to call my husband by his name... well my son comes home, every time, tells me this, and the second he sees my husband is like "hi dad! I missed you!" soooo yeah.. I wouldnt do anything about it... let your ex get mad, kids know whose really there for them

by on Jul. 14, 2007 at 3:28 AM

With a child that young, he is going to confuse a lot of things-people included, ESPECIALLY on the phone!  And when he doesn't ever SEE or spend time with one of them, your poor son will have NO CLUE!!  My 2 year old, gets my mom and my MIL confused on the phone ALL THE TIME...but in person he knows who is who.  If his deadbeat dad bothered to put in the effort, and actually KNEW anything about kids, he would know that this is COMPLETELY NORMAL!!!  Tell him to go jump off a cliff, that your son responds to the people he sees regularly.  BESIDES,  19 months is TOO YOUNG, FOR HIM TO HATE SOMEONE HE NEVER SEES!!  Don't bother too feel bad about/for your sons sperm donor, and count your blessings that you've found a WONDERFUL man who loves you AND your son, and is WILLING and happy to be his daddy!  Because it's the HEART that counts, not the sperm!!!!  Good luck!

wellnessmom2-WAHM of 3 (2 at home). I love to help families get healthy! Live Safer, Healthier, Longer! Go GREEN-Protect your family from Toxic Chemicals!
by on Jul. 14, 2007 at 7:28 AM
Children know who is there for them an who is not. I left my ex when my girls were very young. My ex was never there for them then and isn't there for them now. The girls are soon to be 17 and 18 and on her way to college. Sarah (18) has refused to call him anything but Larry for a long time. They both call my husband dad because he is always there for them. They have bonded and become family. Sarah wants to follow in Rob's (my husband) footsteps and become a Marine.

If your ex wanted the privelege of being a dad he would have stepped up to the plate and been there from the beginning. If he can have a happy, healthy relationship with your fiance then that is all the better for you both. It is important for the new man and the child to accept each other and it sounds like you have that. The child will decide for himself who is there and who isn't. Good luck!!!
by on Jul. 14, 2007 at 9:15 AM

I have the same situation but my daughter is 5. Daddy is a feeling. They will call them daddy when they play that role. Tell the FATHER that if he don't like it step it up. Theres no reason the kids can't have 2 daddies!

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