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Am I wrong?(kinda long)

Posted by on Jul. 25, 2007 at 12:39 PM
  • 16 Replies
Ok I have a question. The other day my husband asked me to go on his myspace page and check his messages cause he was waiting to here from someone but he didn't know when he would be able to log on next. I did and when I was checking his messages he had one from a girl, an ex-girlfriend, that I did not know. It was talking about how she was sorry for something that had happened in the past and how she was just wondering how he was and what had happened after everything.(can't really get into details) I was pretty sure that I knew what she was talking about but I printed out the page and showed it to my husband. He acted like it was not surprising that this girl had found him, in fact he acted like he was happy she had. I asked him why, after more than 11 years would this person be looking for him and he said maybe she just wants to be friends, but that it wasn't a big deal. I tried to blow it off. But then a few days later I found a picture of her a another message from her in his desk. The message didn't have anything wrong in it in fact she was just telling him what a beautiful family he had and how she had just gotten married and that she was pregnant, but I was upset because he was trying to hide the fact that he had been talking to her from me. I asked him if he minded if I talked to her and he said that he did not want me to. I feel that I have the right to talk to this girl and find out why she chose to contact him after so many years. He says that it is private. PRIVATE, I am his wife shouldn't I know what is going on in his life. Now I feel like he is hiding something from me, I don't know if its something about his past or if its something more recent, but I am worried and he won't talk about it. Am I wrong, what should I do? I really need help here. 

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by on Jul. 25, 2007 at 12:39 PM
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by on Jul. 25, 2007 at 12:45 PM
My husband and I always get on each others myspace. I am a more private person than he is and he knows it. but if i or he ever said no about talking to each others friends i know we would be suspicious of what was going on. hiding things from each only makes it seem like somthing is wrong. I would let him know how you feel.
by on Jul. 25, 2007 at 12:54 PM
When either of us has been contacted by a former flame, we've told each other. Not only that, we've discussed whether or either of us is comfortable with keeping contact. The point is that we respect each other's feelings more than anyone else's.

In your shoes, I'd have a talk with my DH. I'd explain that I know he's 100% committed to our family, but that the persistence of contact by this other woman was making me uncomfortable. Part of a trusting relationship is not giving the other person CAUSE to doubt.

It could very well be that the old flame's intentions are merely that of "I wondered what happened to you." Heck, I think most of us have wondered what old friends & flames are up to nowadays... but I also think most people stop short of actually contacting them.

Best wishes,


by on Jul. 25, 2007 at 1:02 PM
I am sorry you are going through this... My husband's ex-girlfriend sent a friend request to him not too long ago on Myspace, and I'm the one that found it. We go on each other's Myspace all the time...

All I could do is trust that he was being honest with me and that he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship. He promised me that he wasn't and that was good enough for me. Although, if he had been getting weird phone calls or started getting messages from her after we had talked about it... I would worry.

Just my opinion here: Your husband probably feels flattered that his ex contacted him... It's an ego boost, after 11 years of marriage. So he's playing it up right now. When that gets dangerous is when it goes beyond casual Myspace contact, into phone calls and lunch dates. It sounds like she contacted him out of guilt, and hopefully she's faithful enough to her current relationship, that she wouldn't jeopardize it. I would talk to her if I were you, even if my husband told me not to. The fact he hid that picture, etc. is kind of a breach of trust and I don't see anything wrong with you just checking that everything is kosher. But again, that's just me.

I really hope everything works out for you... Have him think about how he would feel if the roles were reversed and you were contacted by your ex, and then hid things from him. He probably wouldn't like it very much. I'll be sending happy thoughts your way!!! :-)

by on Jul. 25, 2007 at 1:03 PM
I don't think you are wrong.... that's my humble opinion. If the tables were turned and an ex boy friend was contacting you, I am sure your hubby would feel the same as you do at this moment.  I'm sure if he had brought it up to you and was honest about it, you would be more open to it and not as suspicious. Honesty is usually the best policy and jealousy is the nature of the beast. :(  I've dealt with the same type of situations and I felt the same as you did going through it. Try not to let it eat you up inside though.....just vent to us! :)
by on Jul. 25, 2007 at 1:06 PM
i also have access to my husbands myspace. if i found an ex of his emailing him and he said i couldnt contact her and that it was privet. i would contact her from my own myspace anyways! if they are just friends and have nothing to hide then you talking to her shouldnt be a problem.

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by on Jul. 25, 2007 at 1:09 PM
The fact that he ASKED you to check his myspace shows he isn't hiding anything.  He might have been able to tell you were upset when you originally discussed it, and that is why he didn't tell you about the next message.  Also, it might be that what he is keeping quiet about is HER secret, not his to tell.  Imagine if you had confided something embarrasing in an exboyfriend and he told his wife - it wouldn't make you feel too great.  I would guess the situation is something like that, where he is just trying to respect this person.  I have to say my husband is very good friends with an ex-girlfriend, in fact he almost married her (she left him).  She is also married, although she had some troubles in mer marriage.  I know my husband hasn't, and wont, cross any boundaries, and they are just friends now.  If you trust your husband, as I do mine, I would try and believe that he isn't hiding anything important.  If you start to get upset he may start hiding things just to keep you from getting upset, and that starts a really bad spiral.
by on Jul. 25, 2007 at 1:11 PM

Emotional infidelity is what my husband would call it. I personally don't trust it. It should not be a secret. You keep a secret know how to finish that sentence.  That is how alot of affairs get started.  It doesn't mean he is doing something wrong but he sounds like he feels he has something to hide, To do something wrong, you must open yourself up to the ability to do it and the assessibility to do it, you know what I am trying to say it...that is how alot of things start.  I would hold my ground on this one sister. Good luck.

by on Jul. 25, 2007 at 1:11 PM
I don't think you are wrong, per se. After being married for 11 years, you know your husband better than anyone else. If he isn't a secretive person (and seeing as how he asked you to check his myspace, I don't think he is) but is suddenly secretive about her, then there is something that needs to be addressed. It doesn't seem as if anything physical has or is taking place. Most likely, hearing from her stirred up memories from long ago. Was she his first serious girlfriend? If so, that makes a world of difference. Whether we think about it or not, we all still have feelings for that first person we ever really had feelings for. He could just be reminiscing of the days when he had no responsibilities, was single, what not. Whatever it is, you do need to try to talk to him. I wouldn't recommend asking specifically about her or her notes to him. I would just ask if he was happy and if he thought there were things you guys need to work through. Being married as long as you have, it's normal to have times where you just want to be left alone or be by yourself. Just try to talk to him, nonconfrontationally.

Mom of 2, Raegan (3) and Kennedy (17mo).  Almost mom of 2 more, Robert (5) and Bryanna (2)

by on Jul. 25, 2007 at 1:12 PM
sorry i dont have much advice but i am going through the SAME thing like exactly its wierd. his ex invited him to go "grab coffee or lunch sometime to catch up". and i tried to log on his myspace last night to see if he replied and HE HAD CHANGED HIS PASSWORD!!!! tell me that isn't SHADY!! i need help. we are going to counseling on saturday :(
by on Jul. 25, 2007 at 1:19 PM
You have every right to be freaked out! My ex husband was being contacted by old flames and I just let it go. Next thing I know we are getting a divorce because the girl called me and told me that she had been sleeping with him. So if I were you I would not let it go. You are married you have the right to know what is going on in his life. My husband and I share our myspace page with eacother all the time. I got in touch with an old male friend and told him about it as soon as I did. I told my husband all about him. That way he knew about him and knew that there was nothing to worry about. If he can not share something like a myspace page with you what else is he hiding? That is where my concern would be at. Good luck in all of this! I wish you well.
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