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When would be the right time???

Posted by on Jul. 29, 2007 at 8:27 AM
  • 18 Replies

Here is the story...

When I was 18, I got pregnant.  I had a very bad pregnancy, just emotional.  The 'sperm donar', as I like to think of him, hounded me for an abortion until it was too late in the pregnancy for it, then he hounded me to give the baby up for adoption.  I couldn't bring myself to do either.  I took responsiblity for the life I created and decided that I was going to be a mommy. 

I never put him on the birth certificate.  I just wanted to forget him at that time. 

Now, my baby is 9 years old.  She is a beautiful and intelligent girl that is growing up really fast!  I need to know when is the right time to tell her about her biological father.  I am now married with another child and she knows that he is not her biological father. 

A few months ago, she made a family tree.  It had her at the bottom with a line going up to me and another going up to a box labeled "unknown".  Then next to me it had my husband and under us it had her brother.  Then it went up to include my brother and sister and mom and dad and the rest of our family.  Could this be a hint that she is ready for me to tell her about the past?

My husband thinks we should do a DNA test and get child support for the years past...We don't need the money, but he just thinks he needs to take reponsiblity for the life he created.  I don't really care about child support....although, we could put it in a bank account for college!  I would like some opinions on this as well. 

Has anyone else been in this position??  And if so, what did you do??  Any kind of opinion would be nice!!!

Gwen

by on Jul. 29, 2007 at 8:27 AM
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Replies (1-10):
j4bber
by on Jul. 29, 2007 at 8:36 AM
Hi I'm Andrea and I am going through the same thing just about.  My son is 8 and he started telling people his dad was dead(don't know where he got that idea).  I had to tell him about his dad.  I did file for child support b/c he was only fair that my DH was paying child support for his kids and taking care of mine.  If you don't need the money put it in a savings account for her.  If your DH is interested you could also look into him adopting your daughter if the father  isn't interested in being in her life or helping out.  You have choices just find out what is right for you and your family.  Good luck.

mommy9706
by on Jul. 29, 2007 at 8:42 AM
I was in a similar situation in that I had my son when I was young - 20 yo. However, his "father" acts like he's around, but does minimally. I'm married now, and we have one child together. My son, of course, always knew who is "father" was, but still asks questions like "how come you and my father aren't together?" So now, I answer him honestly and I don't hold back from telling him the truth. I want him to understand what happened and how it happened. And I think if yr daughter knows that yr husband is not her bio father, then I think it would be a good time, now, to explain to her who he is. She'll have questions, but as she gets older, she'll appreciate yr honesty.

As far as the child support, you can always try. But do you want to create a new can of worms? And it's possible that the bio father may step up and want to begin a relationship with yr daughter, which can be a good thing. But would it make things more difficult on yr end and yr husband's, and having to "deal" with him? So it's something to think about. He should take responsibility for her, but on the flip side you wonder if it's worth it, since yr daughter isn't lacking any love, and being well taken care of by you and yr husband and family. But good luck! And I wish you and yr family the best! : )
devilicious
by on Jul. 29, 2007 at 8:42 AM
a friend of mine just went through this, her daughter is also 9 years old.i think thats a good age to let her know the truth,it may take away an epmtyness she may have and let her be able to move forward with things.

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MamaLoopy
by on Jul. 29, 2007 at 8:45 AM
my son is only 2 but we'll be going thoough that.  I just always figured when they are mature enough...and she sounds like she is.  I guess it all depends on the child.  If she knows that your husband isn't her dad, I think she'd be able to understand.  I dreading the day when I have to tellmy son that his dad isn't his biological father.  He has nothing to do with him and we don't get child support either.  It's just easier.  I don't want him to have any part in his life...not now, not when he didn't want him to begin with.  I didn't put his biological father on the B.C. either.  Figured that when it can time to adopt, maybe it'd make it easier...Know that you aren't alone, and I'm hoping she understands.  Maybe don't go into great detail, just tell her what she NEEDS to know.  Tell her that you both were young and he just wasn't ready and got scared.
TableforSeven
by on Jul. 29, 2007 at 8:56 AM
I've never been in this type of situation -- but I would think that if she's able to make a family tree with "unknown" on it...she is ready and wants to know who her father is.
mskeisha_99
by on Jul. 29, 2007 at 9:44 AM

Quoting TableforSeven:

I've never been in this type of situation -- but I would think that if she's able to make a family tree with "unknown" on it...she is ready and wants to know who her father is.
I agree


Ms. P.I.N.K.!

Positive Individual, Named Keisha!

http://www.cafemom.com/groups/knewliweds



brown_crayon07
by on Jul. 29, 2007 at 10:14 AM

sorry in advance that this is so long......but i hope it helps!!!!!!



ok let me tell you a little story. my mother had concieved me when she had a one night stand...while she was married. and she didnt want anyone to know so her and her husband agreed to pass me off as his. hes on my birth certificate and everything and for 14 years of my life i believed his was my father. well one day when i was out at my friends house my sister came and told me that someone had come to visit me. i had wondered who it was becuz most of my friends were over there with me. so i went over there and walked in and there was an older man sittin on the couch. i of course didnt know who it was, but when my mom told me that he was my father...i was shocked, angry, confused,  furious and everything else u can imagine. becuz this was not the man i believed to be my father.   i was furious with my mother, and my father. i was furious with my mother becuz she failed to tell me who my real father was untill i was 14 years old. and i was furious with my father becuz he had not been in my life for 14 years. i didnt get a hi, how are ya, nothing from him for 14 years. i wanted to just scream. becuz he thought that he could play daddy after not being there for me for the past 14 years.  but now at the age of 20 me and my dad are closer then ever. and some would even say im a daddys girl. :D. but anyways what im trying to say is tell your little girl now. and answer any questions that she may have honestly and openly.  becuz you do not want what happened with me to happen to her. becuz let me tell you from experience it hurts and she probably will be furious with u if you wait till later on in her life to tell her. but who knows she may take it just as well as she would now. but why take the chance. just tell her now and just answer any and all questions she may have. i hope this helps. 
Dimples79
by on Jul. 29, 2007 at 10:20 AM

I would tell her now, if you wait till shes older things will only get worse..




MrsFrazier21
by on Jul. 29, 2007 at 10:29 AM
Hi there! My name is Michelle, when i was 16 i got pregnant with my son. To the biggest a** in the entire world! He actually WANTED me to have the baby! At 16 you really don't know whats best for you but i am totally aganst abortion. So, i took it upon myself to say i was going to ag ahead and have the baby. The guy was around until the baby was born, but he was abusive to me and when my son was born he didn't change, nor did he stop doing the drugs, drinking and partying he'd been doing since i met him. Well when my son was 2 weeks old he kept crying and the guy was holding him, he got frustrated with the crying and actually SPANKED at 2 week old. Well, at that time i decided no matter what i HAD to get away from this, if not for me, then for my son. Well months past and Camrin, my son, was 8 months old, and i met a really great guy. We actually form a really awesome relationship and now 3 years later we're married! We have 2 little girls too. My son actually thinks that my hubby IS his father. he's only four and i plan on never telling him the differnce. But i would say, coming from a mom who knows how har it can be, i would ask her if there is a reason to why she make the tree the way that she did. And be honest with your daughter! Kids are smart and unusally strong little people, She can handle it. As long as your honest with her I think you'd be ok telling her, maybe not everything at first but you know more that she'll understand when she gets older. Sooner or later she'll know what you did was the best for her and the guy in your lives is probably 100 times better a father than that other one! And trust me she'll probably respect him and u more for telling her and letting her know everything about herself that way when she does get older and have questions shes not all confused and doesn't feel like she can talk to you guys! But... thats just my opinion....
TySeansmommy
by on Jul. 29, 2007 at 10:31 AM

Quoting TableforSeven:

I've never been in this type of situation -- but I would think that if she's able to make a family tree with "unknown" on it...she is ready and wants to know who her father is
I definitely agree...  The only suggestion I have is to be completely honest, do not make things up to "ease" it for her.  As a teacher I've had a few students who got pregnant, had the baby, came back in to visit and say they can't believe they didn't know their ex could be like that... and they said they left "daddy" off the BC and were going to grapple with telling their kids one day.
Your daughter sounds like she's ready... and honestly if this is an open discussion when she's older she'll know she can come to you if a situation like this happens to her...

Beth
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