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I miss her, yet she's still here...(a little long)

Posted by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 3:21 AM
  • 6 Replies

My dear mom was disabled by a ruptured brain aneurysm not too long ago.  The doctors gave us no hope.  They basically told us that she would pass away and that IF by some MIRACLE she were to survive, she would be in a vegetative state for the rest of her natural life.  Well God had other plans and I am happy to say that she is still with us today.  We are SOOO blessed and happy to have her in our lives still....That being said, I sometimes feel guilty for missing a person who is still here.  My mom was my very best friend.  I spoke to her about everything.  She was the one that I always shared my happy AND my sad/rough moments with.  She was my shoulder to cry on, my voice of wisdom and guidance, my cheerleader, my nurse, my BEST FRIEND!  We spent so much of our time together and did so many things,  We had shopping trips, baked, cooked, cleaned, went on long adventurous drives to other states to visit family and just hung out all the time.  I miss her....I miss my best friend SOOOOOO MUCH!!!  I missed her on my birthday b/c she's the one that always made sure that it was extra special.  I miss her now during the holiday season more then ever!  I'm always full of holiday cheer. I'm usually so excited to put up the tree, decorate the house, bake the cookies, cook the food, make the pies, wrap the presents, put up the lights, shop, share stories, memories, and pictures, and most of all, do things with my mom to help others out and make others happy.  To make another smile during this time of year or to be able to take gifts and food to a family or families in need....that is one of my greatest joys in life.  This year just isn't the same.  Times have gotten really tough b/c of all of the financial problems that came along with my mother's condition and b/c I haven't been working so that I could stay home for a while and care for her.  We can't do a lot of those things.  I'm ok with that.  I wish I could still do the helping others part, but as for us, I'm ok with not having a big huge beautiful Christmas celebration.  However, I MISS all of the things that I shared with my mom.  I miss her more then words could EVER justify.  I feel like although I am VERY happy to still have her here and I LOVE HER WITH ALL OF MY HEART, I grieve for the person that she used to be.  It eats me up inside to see my once independent and cheery mom look so weak and so helpless.  She has re-learned to do some things and has regained most of her memory, but it is SOOOO HARD!  I feel like NO ONE understands what I go through on a daily basis.  I feel like no one shares my pain.  It's so hard to have to feed her those last few bites of food b/c she can't do it herself.  It's so hard to watch her try her hardest to pick her pants up by herself after using the restroom, only to have to call for help b/c she couldn't do it.  It's so hard to see her in her room all day every day just b/c she can't get around the way that she would like to.  It's hard to see her tears and try not to let her see mine!  I know I'm strong and I know that without God I wouldn't have made it this far, but sometimes I feel so completely heart broken.  What I wouldn't do to be able to share one of those mother daughter moments again...to get a full 2 handed embrace from the queen of my heart....to just be able to share things with her like I used to.  I MISS MY BEST FRIEND!  I miss seeing her hold my little girl in her arms and be able to play with her.  I miss everything about her and I feel guilty for missing her while I still have her.  I don't know how else to explain this, or if I will ever understand it..  I wonder if the tears will ever stop.  They have slowed down and are further apart now, but they still pour like rain.  I wish that I could make her feel whole again.  I wish that I could take away her feeling of being helpless of not being able to do all that she would like to do.  I wish that I could take away all of these hardships that she goes through on a daily basis.  Sometimes I just wish to be able to carry some of her burdens for her.  I know that everything happens for a reason, but I guess that until I get to heaven and ask God myself, I will NEVER understand this.  If I could give my mother and my daughter the world I would.  If I could find a way to reach a star and bring it down for their enjoyment I would.  If I could make all of their dreams and aspirations come true, I would, but I am simply human and just another flower in the desert in need of some refreshing water.  Just keep us in your prayers. I smile on the outside, but my heart would love to smile again!

Motherhood...the purest form of love ~Melody~

by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 3:21 AM
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Replies (1-6):
mama2my4
by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 3:26 AM

Oh shit you had me in tears at the end of the post. I am so sorry for your pain and I do understand where you are coming from. You are strong brave person and as much as you are lucky and grateful to still have her, you still have the right to mourn her prior to this. Again I am so sorry and sending hugs and prayers your way

shebearncub
by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 6:23 AM

Oh My! I was crying reading this as well.....Sounds like your mom is your treasure which is how it should be!  Wow your soooooooo strong! I know your mother appreciates you hon. I really can't relate in any way with the day to day caring for your mother

but I do Treasure every moment I have with my mom!I call her at least 2 times a day and My whole family is Very close to us. My mother had a heart attack 5 years ago and coded 2 times. It really shook up our Whole family! We are so thankful she was in the hospital when it happened or else she wouldn't have made it.

We truly don't know when things might change or we might lose a loved one. So we need to really appreciate Every Moment!

TY for sharing your story and reminding all of us what we truly need to be thankful for this time of they year and daily! Your family is in my prayers hon!!

youngmum1234
by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 9:26 AM

That has tp be really hard for you to go threw, i was also crying by the end of that post, i hope you feel better and i wish you and your mom GL in her recovery. You are a very strong person

bcarmona
by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 9:27 AM

It's ok to mourn the person she once was, just try not to consider her "dead" she is still very much alive on the inside.  Talk to her like you would if she was normal, that's something you both enjoyed and just as much as you need her she needs you.  I cannot imagine the pain you are going through, I have a step sister whom I have never met because she was born in a vegetative state and has been in a home since then (she's 20 years older than I am).  Anywho, do whatever you can with your mom.  Take her out to enjoy the fresh air as much as you can.  Push her along with you on a walk and just talk to her like you used to.  It's hard to endure something like this (especially in the Christmas season) God knows all things work together for good.  We don't understand it, but He does.  God bless you all today and always!

MelodyLG
by on Dec. 15, 2008 at 12:02 PM

Thank you ladies for your kind words and well wishes, and thank you so much for the prayers.  It is hard but I know that God must have a plan for her if He allowed her to pull through and to get to this point. 

Please enjoy your loved ones.  Enjoy each moment.  Take the good with the bad b/c you never know what could happen from now to 10 minutes from now.  My mom was supposed to be at home alone when this happened to her, but thank God that my sister and I changed our plans and came over to see her b/c she collapsed in my arms and between the 2 of us we were able to care for her until the ambulance came.  CHERISH every moment as if it was your last and don't forget to show your loved ones that you care about them and to tell them that you love them.  Live your life with them in a way that IF (God forbid) something does happen, you will have no regrets. 

I wish you ALL a very happy and blessed Christmas with those you love the most!

Motherhood...the purest form of love ~Melody~

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