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Am I being COMPLETELY selfish....LONG! Sorry...

Posted by on Dec. 17, 2008 at 3:02 PM
  • 6 Replies

Ok, so my fiance and I are expecting.  I have a 4 year old and he has a 2 1/2 year old both from previous relationships.  Well, it just seems to me like he is ALWAYS mad about something, especially money.

I am working from home part time while on bedrest adn I have not actually been able to work the past 3 weeks because I have been sooo sick.  I have HELLP syndrome and my liver and kidneys are starting to shut down.  I have to go to the doctor every other day for blood work and as soon as my levelas are so bad that they are affecting the baby, they are going to take my munchkin out.  I am traumatized by this, just the fact that something so innocent and sweet as being pregnant and bringing a life into the world can be so traumatic to my body.

Anywhoo.  I have been doing the best I can fincancially to still pay my way.  I have a small savings that I have been pulling out of for my half of the rent.  I pay the electric, cable, and home phone with internet because I am the only one who uses it.  He pays (when I don't have him fighting me tooth and nail to) half the rent, the car payment (it is his car), the car insurance (again his car).  We do have a bedroom set that we are renting which is $60 every other week and we swap the payment every other payment.

For one month, when we first moved in here, he allowed me to have control of his checking account.  In order to make sure the bills and everything were paid on time.  Now, I have to make him a calendar of what is due when.  I have it done all the way thru Feb.  especially with the baby.  SO it is not like the darn thing changes week to week.  He knows well in advance.  Any how, today he went to the bank and somehow, as he has done EVERY time since he has taken his checkbook back, he overdrafted his account.  This never happened when I was doing it.

So, he gets back from the bank and is mad at me that he is always working and he is always broke.  Now mind you baby is due pretty much anyday now and he has not spent one penny on getting anything the baby will need.  I had to buy it all.  Christmas for the 2 kids, I bought the presents.  He bought nothing.  Last year he was not working and I didn't even get a damn card, this year he is working and I doubt I will get a card.

He just seems to be more mad at me and the kids and everyone in his life then accepting the fact that there is a baby coming and that we have to tighten the bills so we don't fall behind when baby does come.  It is not like we live paycheck to paycheck.  He has money in a savings account as do I, but he will not spend anything for fear he will run out, then he just screams at me when he screws up his own account. 

Am I being selfish by not offerring to help him with more of the bills because I want to make sure I have some money to spend with my baby when he is born or is he just overreacting to every minor thing?

Proud Mommy to Samantha 4 years old
Eagerly Awaiting AUSTIN JOSEPH!
pregnancy calendar
by on Dec. 17, 2008 at 3:02 PM
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by on Dec. 17, 2008 at 3:10 PM

This is a difficult position to be in - men don't like handing over control of money that they busted their butts to make.  My fiance is the same way - he used to spend his money on whatever he felt like, then when it came time to pay bills, he wouldn't have any money.  (Which really sucks for us, as I only work PT, so I bring home less than $200 every 2 weeks - and that money goes towards gas and whatever we NEED.)  He's getting better about things, as he HAS to, but it doesn't make things any easier to deal with when he's being FORCED (more or less) to be responsible.

The only suggestion I have for you is to have a talk with him.  Tell him that you understand that he's frustrated that it seems that he's working his butt off and not having anything to show for it, but get him to also understand that he's gotta make a change - even if it's a small one.  If he's spending the money to go out to lunch (not saying he is - just using it as an example), ask him to take left-overs or make his lunch at home to take with him.  Help him find ways to cut back on his spending without making him feel like you're taking control.  Find the compromise that'll make you both happy.

by Gold Member on Dec. 17, 2008 at 3:11 PM

Sounds like he needs to be a man. My husband would never make me pay 1/2 the rent & what not. I think a real man supports the family & if the wife works it should be so everone can relax a little more & have a few splurges here & there or pay for groceries. I din't think it is even partially fair that you have to contribte 1/2 when you are on bed rest. What a pansy.



Proud Wife to Michael & Proud Mom to "Tank", Airen, & Chase

by on Dec. 17, 2008 at 3:11 PM

I don't think you are being selfish. Its his fault for not paying attention and maybe it keeps happening because you keep bailing him out when it does. Sounds like he needs to grow up and stop taking his mistakes out on you and the kids. He has no one to blame but himself.

by on Dec. 17, 2008 at 3:17 PM

First, you are not being selfish at all. Second, maybe (I am trying to be devil's advocate) your SO is acting like this because of the stress and feeling very helpless to help you out and make things better.  Men do not seem to be able to handle stress well and seem to handle it all wrong.  I am not saying it is right, it isn't-it is very wrong!

I also had HELLP syndrome with my 1st baby and you NEED to take care of yourself. It is very dangerous. Explain to him that the extra stress that he is putting on you is putting you and the baby in danger.  You need to stay calm and relaxed.  Good luck!!!

by on Dec. 17, 2008 at 3:25 PM

I think he is being selfish and childish personally. I don't work and am about to go back to school and hubby pays for everything obviously. I have complete control over our account I pay all the bills and put money in savings and let him know what we have to spend after everything is paid. It sounds like your SO is being very childish and needs to grow up an learn that he's about to be a daddy and kids are expensive. Personally if i'd make him pay half of all the costs of everyting the baby needs. But that's just me....and if he's yelling at you all the time and everything 1 that's not good for you expecially while your preggo so I wouldn't be dealing with that.

by on Dec. 17, 2008 at 3:26 PM

Everything thing i've learned in life has brought me to the conclusion that anger is a secondary emotion...I think you need to sit and have a heart to heart with him, You might shocked at what's really going on especially with your health issues right now it might not be the money that he is truly worried about he could be scared that he's gonna lose you and the money is just a scape goat beacause he doesn't know how to deal with what's really bothering him

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