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We've lost that lovin' feeling....

Posted by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 10:58 AM
  • 3 Replies

I don't know if it's just this pregnancy and all those hormones getting to me, or if it's something deeper than that, but I'm just not myself today.

I've been thinking alot about my husband and our relationship lately. I love him so much and it's hard not seeing him very often because of his two jobs. You would think that when we do see each other we would take advantage of that time. But once the kids are in bed we just sit around and watch tv till we too go to bed. There is no romantic spark between us anymore and I hate that. I have tried different things in hopes of getting just a little bit of that 'honeymoon phase' back into our lives. Even before being pregnant, things just felt so different.

I don't for one second believe he is cheating on me, which would be the first thing most people would assume. He works two full-time jobs and when he isn't there he is home with us. He doesn't have time to cheat and it is something he feels very strongly against. He is always tired due to all the working, so I feel guilty just asking for a little 'alone time in the bedroom'. But he is a man and I thought men are supposed to want that stuff all the time? I sometimes come right out and demand it, and what is sad is that even that doesn't always work. I hate to have to ask for it. I want him to be spontaneous and be the one showing the interest for once. I miss the times when he would crawl into bed and scoot up to me and start things without being told to do so. I don't know how to change this. I have told him before that this worries me and he always apologizes and gets down on himself about how worthless he is that he can't even keep his wife happy. Then I only feel worse.

I think I am becoming depressed. I find that thinking about this stuff has consumed my daily thoughts. I'm starting to feel like I have some sex addiction since that is all I think about. But I think to be an addict would mean you also have to be getting some, right?? And it isn't necessarily the sex that I miss so much. It's the attention, the feeling of being wanted and desired. When he has no interest, it's a blow to my self-esteem. I'm pregnant with our third child. My body looks nothing like it used to. So I find that I blame myself for not being able to turn him on anymore. I don't even catch him looking at me when I undress anymore. It's an awful feeling to feel unsexy to your husband.

I used to be able to talk to my girlfriends about stuff like this. But I rarely get out with them anymore, especially now that I am pregnant. And when I do, I usually end up listening to them talk about how wonderful their sex life is. I have some friends who are in horrible marriages and they have better sex lives, so hearing them talk only makes me feel worse. I don't feel comfortable talking to them about my concerns anymore anyway. When I do get a night away from the kids I want to spend it with him, which is a good thing, right?? But it has affected the friendships I have and now I don't feel like myself anymore unless he's around. I'm losing my identity. I'm a wife, and a mother, and after that I don't really know who I am anymore. I hate feeling like this and I don't understand why I have all these thoughts running through my head all the time. I've found my favorite time of the day is when I'm in the shower. No one hears you cry in the shower, and there are a lot of times when I cry to the point of sobbing so hard I can hardly catch my breath. I just let it all out and when I'm done I feel guilty for letting such meaningless things get to me when there could be so much worse going on in our relationship.

I don't know what my problem is anymore. But with no one to talk to about it, I felt that maybe it would help to just write out my feelings. We'll see how this therapy works for me.

by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 10:58 AM
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Replies (1-3):
lilmama22806
by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 11:05 AM

I'm so sorry you are going through this. All couples go through a point like this in their marriage. I'm sure it's nothing against you, don't feel bad. Have you tried going to a marriage counselor and seeing if he could suggest things to put the spark back in your relationship?

polarprincess
by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 11:14 AM

My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years now and I know exactly what you are talking about.  I went through this exactly when I was preganant.  My husband was working 70-80 hour work weeks and I was left home to feel like a beached whale. When he would finally get home, I would be in the mood for him to show me any attention but he never showed an interest.   Sure, he would kiss me, but not the kind of attnetion I was searching for. The best cure for this is COMMUNICATION.

I finally talked to my husband about my feelings. I remember this being a very heart felt conversation.   It wasnt that he was not attracted to me anymore.  He was tired, but more than that, he did not want me to feel uncomfortable having sex. I was always talking about how big I was getting and such... After our talk, our sex resumed and I had understanding to know he was tired.. Snuggling was great!!  Talk to your husband. Talk talk talk!!!!!!

mommyandthree
by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 11:19 AM

I am going through the same thing, I swear.  I am pregnant with my fourth and had been crying a ton.  I finally talked with my husband about some of the things that I am feeling and things seemed to have improved.  I am going to go to therapy for myself to help me work on some of the problems and issues that I have.  If you need anything, you can pm me.  Hang in there:)

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