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Posted by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 11:51 AM
  • 23 Replies

So, for the MIL, SIL, and any of ex-DH's friends, maybe it would help if you had the WHOLE story.  Ten to one says you won't get such a good laugh at the impending divorce, or my character as a whole.  I'm not going to justify myself to you, because when I got married, I never changed.  I have always been the same.  The only reason I'm posting this here is because of the fact that it will come up by means of a Google search.  Try to claim libel.  I dare you.  This is my "opinion" of how everything happened.

So, once upon a time, I met a guy who I thought was great.  We got along well, and he was, quite literally, my best friend.  Things went great for a while, and then I got pregnant.  Abortion was one of the top choices on his list.  Not mine.  When I told him I couldn't handle abortion, he relented and said that he wouldn't make me go through anything that could harm me in the long-term.

Fast forward a few months.  I'm 7 months pregnant, and getting married in a courthouse.  Both sides of the family are putting pressure on both of us, although both of us are the better part of 30 years old.  Regardless, for better or for worse, there we were.

He lacked patience and understanding.  I lacked around the house.  We both worked, though, and were independent financially.  Everything was "his", and what I made was "mine".  We kept separate bank accounts, and essentially, separate financial lives (which works great, now.  Less crap to sort out).  Just to throw an example out there, his SIL gave me the baby shower for my DD, and I got to unwrap 2 gifts.  My DH unwrapped the rest (and there were a lot).  At the end of the shower, he didn't say, "WE would like to thank all of you for coming."

He said, "I would like to thank everyone for coming.  I'll let you know when the baby gets here."  Um, ok.  WHERE WAS I???  I was very put off by that incident.

Right after DD was born, we were leaving my MIL's house, and he put the stroller in the back of the truck (the stroller was washable, by the way), and it started to rain.  He had a fit.  I told him to relax, because it was washable, and he told me to shut up.  Well, I said nothing else for a while, but when I DID finally speak, I snapped at him.  He called me a bitch.  NOT TWO WEEKS AFTER I HAD ENDED A TERRIBLE PREGNANCY, AND GAVE HIM HIS DAUGHTER, HE CALLS ME A BITCH!  I don't care if he felt justified or not.

Well, within 3 weeks of me having Samantha, he decided that he wanted to start going out by himself one night a week.  I didn't care for it then, and I don't care for it now.  I think that it promotes a single liffestyle.  Several times, I suggested that we get a sitter once a week, and go out together, and he said that was fine, but that he was STILL going to go out alone.  Now, guys, if he were going to a friends' house, or was going to Academy, I wouldn't care, but he was going to pool halls and bars.  THOSE ARE NOT PLACES FOR MARRIED PEOPLE, IMO.

He bitched about my clutter, and I bitched about him going out alone.  And, then, in Feb., I found missing condoms in the top drawer of his nightstand (we used condoms before I got the Mirena IUD).  I asked him about it, and he said that it dropped into a cup next to the bed (which was dry...  He said it wasn't, but I know what was there...  Trust me.  I inspected the area THOROUGHLY), so he threw it away.  Guys.  A condom is in a wrapped that moisture proof, inside and out.  He seriously thought that I would believe this.  I still don't.

At the end of February, I broke down and cried to him in a Papa's BBQ parking lot.  I begged and pleaded for him to help me, because our marriage was failing.  I told him that I didn't feel close to him, anymore, and that I didn't feel like I could talk to him.  Hell, we weren't even sleeping in the same room, anymore, and sex was almost non-existant.  He was no longer my best friend, and it was like we were financially independent roommates, with the occasional sexual fling.  He constantly bitched and nagged at me about everything.  I couldn't get anything right.  I felt like I could disappear, and he'd never even know I was gone.

After talking to him, though, he still refused to sacrifice "his night out", and said that we would work on our sex life and make a night for just me and him, once a week.  Guess what never happened?  I tried, and got turned down.  Everything else was always more important, and that included his fish tank, his television, and his guns and friends.  When I got married, I expected the kids to come first, and us to come second.  While I concede to the fact that the kids came first, I came in last. 

He said that all of this was because I was a bitch when I was pregnant, but I wasn't the one throwing around the word "divorce" like one would throw pennies into a wishing well.  That was him.  Every time there was a problem, the words "I want a divorce" were thrown out like popcorn at a movie theatre. 

When I finally left him in June, had he told everyone the WHOLE story, it wouldn't have been a surprise like it was.  My family already knew, as I had cried to them, SO MANY TIMES, plastering on a smile in public when I was miserable inside.

I'm not saying that I was perfect.  Please don't think that I am.  What I AM saying is that I tried, and I tried hard, and he wasn't about to bend for me, but expected me to do all of the bending for him.  I keep clutter.  It's what I do.  He doesn't.  That's what he does.  I would've been much more willing to go the "extra mile", as it were, however, had he been willing to do the same for me.

We separated in June.  Every time I suggested a marriage counselor, he had turned me down.  Eventually, I started seeing someone else.

Everyone has a point when they give up, and I had finally reached mine.  Sorry for the long post, guys, but I'm getting blamed for some things I didn't do, and I've always felt that it's important to hear two sides of the story before you judge.

I would also like to add that there WERE times that he was good to me.  I don't want to make him seem all bad.  He did take care of me when I was sick, and he did bring me flowers on occasion.  This stopped after the pregnancy, though.  I don't want to make it seem like it was always  this way.

by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 11:51 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 11:57 AM

You deserve better anyway. Hold your head up high! Anyone that judges you before or after they know the whole story, needs to get a life.

by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 11:59 AM

I don't think I could laugh at anyone's marriage ending, let alone this one.

By what you wrote it simply looks like you're not very compatible.  I have "me" nights... one of my spots is a pool hall because I love playing pool and it relaxes me.  I don't think its wrong for him wanting time away.

So you're a little messy.  Some people can live with it, some cannot.  It's who you are, not a character flaw.

Sorry it went badly for you. I wish you the best of luck.

by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 12:00 PM

Sometimes it is nice to just get it out.  I think that marriage is two sided and you are admitting your faults.  Who cares who is blaming you for what, you know what took place and as long as this will make you both happy without causing harm to your child - tuddos to you, momma!

by Gold Member on Jan. 21, 2009 at 12:01 PM

Sounds like he's missing out on an awesome chick!

I am so glad you didn't listen to his dub ass about the abortion. What a tool!

by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 12:04 PM

OMG.  How awful.  I'm sorry to hear it!  It has to be a relief in a way, though, isn't it?

My ex-husband tried to tell his whole family that it was my fault, I spent all of our money, I was sleeping around.  Truth be told, he had spent all the money on DRUGS - a habit he developed after 3 years of marriage and a child.  And I wasn't sleeping around - I was at work, at a horrible job he forced me to get so he could buy his ridiculously expensive truck. 

I understand that things don't always work out, but damn!  Be a man about it!  If we're willing to take some of the blame, could they possibly admit that maybe they had something to do with it, too?  Or at least that maybe they aren't perfect?  I mean, maybe they don't have to admit to their family that they're man-whores or sniffing something out of a glass tube they bought from the liquor store, but don't just throw it all in our laps like we're the laziest, sleeziest, awful bitches.  Man up!

Just make sure YOUR dear friends and family know the truth.  Don't waste time trying to cinvinve his.  It'll all come out in the end, and - most likely - they already know his character.  Sorry you're having a rough time!  It'll definitely get better!

by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 12:04 PM

I hope everything works out for you.

Loving Wife, and Mother. giving mom gift

by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 12:05 PM

Quoting kgsharber:

Sounds like he's missing out on an awesome chick!

I am so glad you didn't listen to his dub ass about the abortion. What a tool!

He can't seem to understand how anyone would possibly leave him...  I just honestly felt like it was impossible to live up to all he expects.

BTW, the going out thing was not something he started until after Sammi was born.  Had I known that it would be a problem I would have to contend with, I never would have married him, because that's not something I can deal with.

by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 12:06 PM

sounds like you two were not in sync. you wanted one thing and he just wanted his way. you will find someone that is better for you anyway. good luck in the future. you did not mention what kind of father he is? just curious here.


by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 12:06 PM

Sorry you are going through this. I am sorry it had to come to this point. But you are MORE then he ever will deserve. You tried that is all anyone can do!

Hugs and you deserve better!

by on Jan. 21, 2009 at 12:06 PM

Your story sounds like mine and just like you, Everyone is acting like I did this horrible thing! The only difference really is we didn't get married (thank GOD!)
Hold your head up, be strong, it will get better!

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