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There is a new angel in heaven

Posted by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:17 AM
  • 9 Replies

I am going to try & get this out straight.  I posted it in one of my groups & really jumped around a bit.  I will try to stay in timeline so you all can follow this easily. 

My grandmom has been in a nursing home for a while now.  She's had her ups & downs.  And we have had quite a few scares.  This past Sunday was the worst.  She fell asleep & stayed asleep.  She would periodically stop breathing.  But on Thursday she passed.

I was at the nursing home with my mom & aunt.  We just sitting there all talking & the social worker came in.  We all continued to talk.  Then my grandmom stopped breathing again.  My mom & aunt knelt by her side.  The social worker moved my chair to the other side of the bed.  I just sat there.  Periodically my grandmom would breathe.  Then she just stopped.  A single tear ran down her cheek.  My mom asked the social worker if she had ever seen anything like that, she had not.  Then my mom & aunt just lost it.  I was just sitting there, in shock.  A male nurse comes in & asks me if she had passed.  I said I don't know.  So he goes over to check her pulse & respirations.  Then he left.  I was still just sitting there.  I asked the social worker if she had passed & she said yes.  I felt sick.  I ran to the bathroom & dry heaved.  I came back out & asked my mom if she wanted to call everyone.  I don't get any service on my cell phone so my aunt let me use hers.  I couldn't figure out how to use it.  So my mom told me to use hers.  I tried my sister first & her home phone wasn't working.  Her cell just went to voicemail.  So I go out in the hallway & call my one brother, Fran.  I told him & he said that he was working but would be right there.  Then I was trying my sister again.  I called my brother in law on his cell phone & I didn't realize that he was still at work.  I got nasty with him & was demanding to speak to my sister.  I'll have to apologize to him for that, I know he'll understand but I still want to say I'm sorry.  Then my mom & my aunt come out.  The staff went in to clean up my grandmom.  My mom called my brother, Fran, to check if he was ok.  I told her about the problem with my sister & she called my brother in law & told him what had happened.  Then she tried my other brother, Joe.  He didn't answer his phone.  And she was trying to get my step-dad on his phone but he wasn't answering either. 

I started feeling really hot.  I wanted to get out of there.  I felt like all the walls were closing in on me.  I asked my mom & aunt if they wanted to go outside to get some fresh air.  They decided to stay & I asked the social worker to get my coat for me.  Then my mom tried my brother, Joe, again.  I told her that I would go to his job & get him if she wanted me to.  So I asked the social worker to go in the room again & get my purse. 

As soon as I was outside, I see all the missed calls & texts I have.  People that I normally ride the train home from work with had tried to reach me to see if I was catching the train.  And my daughter had texted me to see when I was coming home & what did I want for dinner.  So I called her first.  And I told her that I was going to get Uncle Joey & that I'd be home soon.  I told her to just fix herself something, I didn't want to tell her what happened over the phone.  And for some strange reason she started giving me an attitude.  So we argued a bit & finally hung up.  Then I called one of my friends that I ride the train with & told him why I missed the train (I had left work early to go the nursing home).  I called another friend & told her the same thing.  I was trying to get to my brother's job & I guess in my state lost my sense of direction.  I was on all these little side streets totally lost & screaming.  Thankfully my friend stayed on the phone with me until I found where I was.  I let her go & then tried my mom again.  I wanted to know if she had got in touch with my sister yet.  And since my sister lives near where my brother (that I was picking up) works I told her that I'd go there & tell her if needed.  But my mom had already talked to my sister.  She was supposed to go to a viewing that night for her brother in law & wouldn't be able to make it to the nursing home. 

So I get to my brother's job.  He's not there & neither is his girlfriend.  I tell his co-workers that I am his sister & need to find him right away.  They tell me to go the bar around the corner.  I walk in the bar & see my brother's girlfriend.  I tell her that I need Joe right away, I told her what happened.  She called my brother & thankfully he answered the phone.  I told him what happened & that I'd come get him if he wanted me to.  He told me that he'd walk & he'd be right there.  So I take him to the nursing home.  He said that he wanted to go to our sisters afterwards.  I told him that I could give him a ride back out there, but that I would have to just go get my daughter first.

My mom, aunt, & other brother, Fran, were there.  My mom asked me & my brother if we wanted to go in the room.  She said that our other brother, Fran, & my aunt couldn't do it.  That my grandmom is in there with a sheet over her.  My brother said he didn't want to & I told my mom that I just couldn't do it.  At that point my sister calls & says that she does want to come & will be right there.  So my mom calls the social worker to tell her to have the funeral home hold off for a bit.  Then my daughter calls again.  I go outside to talk to her & tell her that I'm leaving in like 5 or 10 minutes.  We talk for a bit then I go back inside.  I told them that I'd have to go, that my daughter will just keep calling & I have to get home.  I asked my brother, Joe, if he'd be ok riding with my sister.  He said yeah.  So I left.  I called my daughter again, big mistake!  She asked me how Nan was doing.  So I fudged through that & drove over to McDonalds.  I had promised to get her fries.  And I hadn't eaten all day so I thought that I should get something for myself.  I called another friend after I left McDonalds & told her about it.  Once again I got lost & was freaking out.  Finally I made it home & told my daughter.  She wasn't upset right away but I know it will hit her eventually.\

Right before Christmas we were all out there.  She was weak, but talking.  I just can't friggin sleep.  I keep seeing it over & over again in my head.  That single tear that fell is really messing me up.  I haven't really cried yet.  I'm afraid that if I start, I won't stop.  Plus I want to be strong for my daughter.  She cried on Thursday night in bed, she never told me until last night.  The service is on Thursday, my daughter is going, but she doesn't want to do the viewing.  I don't either.  We are going to hang out in one of the rooms that the funeral home has & if any of the kids need to get away, I'll have them stay with me. 

This is just so hard to deal with.  I haven't really cried since I am afraid that I won't stop.  My mom & my aunt keep asking me how I'm doing.  Fine, I say.  My aunt told me last night that I have to talk about it at some point.  I just can't do that.  It's so much easier to type something up.  That way I don't have to look anyone in the face.

by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:17 AM
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Replies (1-9):
iluvlp
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:26 AM

i am so sorry for your loss. i will keep you and your family in my prayers!

ricjil94
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:27 AM

Thank you very much!!!

M0M0F03
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:28 AM

I'm sorry for your loss. About the tear...I would think of it as a happy one.

jntcastro
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:30 AM

I'm sorry for your loss...I will pray for you and the family.


Here is a prayer that I prayed for you:

Dear Lord

We beg youto comfort those in this family who are grieving. You are the God of compassion, extending mercy to the brokenhearted. They have a great need of you. All their hopes for a happy future have been shattered into a million pieces. Be merciful, O Lord, during this sacred time and continue to remind them that you are the source of all our hope and peace.

Amen


And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain.

Revelation 21:4

 




 

ricjil94
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:31 AM


Quoting M0M0F03:

I'm sorry for your loss. About the tear...I would think of it as a happy one.


People have been telling me that maybe it's a tear of joy from seeing God.  Or that it's a tear of joy from someone she loves greeting her into heaven.  That's what I'm trying to think of.

ricjil94
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:35 AM

 

Quoting jntcastro:

I'm sorry for your loss...I will pray for you and the family.

 

Here is a prayer that I prayed for you:

Dear Lord

We beg youto comfort those in this family who are grieving. You are the God of compassion, extending mercy to the brokenhearted. They have a great need of you. All their hopes for a happy future have been shattered into a million pieces. Be merciful, O Lord, during this sacred time and continue to remind them that you are the source of all our hope and peace.

Amen


And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain.

Revelation 21:4

Thank you soooo very much!!  It was very touching, it made me cry!!  But not in a bad way for once!

lujenem3
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:38 AM

I did what you are doing when my Grandmother passed. I had to be strong for my daughter, sister, etc. I made it to the funeral at church and collapsed in the pew at the start of the first song. Don't hold it in-find someone you're comfortable with and let it out or cry with your daughter and hold each other. I'm SO sorry for your loss, but please don't do this to yourself. I was a wreck at the funeral, and just about passed out because I had held it in for so long. I will be praying for you and your family and I agree with the other poster-a tear of happiness or for the beauty of Heaven?

lujenem3

cassielc84
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:41 AM

Im so sorry for your loss!! I would think the tear was a happy tear. She isnt suffering anymore. She is in a better place. Your mom is right and you have to talk about it. I always thought it was better to cry it out. At least it is better than holding it in. I know Im going to be the same way if anything happened to my grandparents. I am so close to them. Especially my grandpa. He is like a father to me. He has always been there when I need a male figure. I would try to cry it out. Get you a couple coxes of kleenex and some vicks. I know my nose gets stuffy after I cry no matter how many kleenexes I use. LOL.. Im really sorry for you loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.

 

 

toddler girlShayna Elizabeth Crockett 2/6/08


in love Jeff and Cassie Crockett 4/23/07

ricjil94
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 7:47 AM

I'm just so afraid that my daughter will lose it too.  I feel the need to be strong for her.

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