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I want to get different views on this…but please no bashing or negativity…thxs

Posted by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 10:48 PM
  • 10 Replies

typing

I am a proud mother to a wonderful 5 year old boy.  I have a wonderful and beautiful relationship with my son; I'd like to say just as if he was my very own.  Confused???  I don't like using the term but I will say it here....I am his step mother and he is my step son.  We have been together since he was 13 months old.  I am the one he calls "Mommy".

 

His BM...I've met her under not so very nice circumstances.  See, his BM is considered by law a convicted drug felony...she has been in and out of jail lots of times and has even been to prison (she didn't serve a long term).  While in prison that is when our communication began.  It all started with a letter she wrote to my DH and I read it and I felt the need to respond.  We began a relationship...she is "Mommy 1" and I am "Mommy 2".  I met her when DH and I went to fight for his daughter...yes aside the fact that DH has our son he also has a daughter to which he did not know about that we were trying to gain custody of since she was with the state.  Unfortunately, we lost but that a completely different story for another day.  Anyways, that when BM and I met in person of course behind a glass aside from pics that I had set before.

 

BM did eventually got out of prison and went her way trying to get back on her feet she is even engaged to be married and is expecting (which we found out today).  She hardly calls she called for my sons bday and left a message on the machine then I tried calling her back but I found out she was in rehab.  Then she called today and DH spoke to her for a good long while. 

 

Here is where I would like to get different views....

 

How do you think DH and I should go about telling our son about his BM?  Our son really does not know her.  Do you think that right now he is still to young to be told?  I have been told that I should make it like a story....I was even thinking of making a scrapbook with pictures of her and his siblings (my son also has an older sister, same mom different dad).

 

What do you think?????????????????

by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 10:48 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mom2five929
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 11:13 PM

I would wait.You dont know for sure bm will get her act together and be in the childs life.Let her prove her self to you,your dh and herself before involing the child.Hes to young to understand and what little he will understand might confuse and scare him.My childs dad was a drug addict and died of an overdose when my baby was 8.He was a good father to her when he was around,but sometimes i wish i just would have kept him out of her life.She was so hurt to find out how he died and that the drugs were more important than her.Ofcourse i told my child what she could handle for her age,and more when she got older.Like i said let her prove she can be clean and hold a job for atleast a year.

lovinmommiehood
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 11:13 PM

IDK, I am married and our two kids are the only ones...but here's a bump so you can get some help! :)

TXMOM1980
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 11:15 PM

i would tell him is mom that gave birth to him is in the hosptial. the scrap book is a good idea.




 




 

mom27g
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 11:16 PM

I think he should know about his biological mom - a scrap book sounds like a great idea. He's too young to understand right now about her, but he should know. I think lying to him would only backfire in the long run.

 Pam
Mom to 2 boys, wife to a wonderful husband 
  
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DeeNicky
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 11:16 PM

bump


ladynitewolf
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 11:17 PM

I agree wait and see what the BM does ...me...I would start getting things together for a scrap book and start it now that way there are memories from when he was little almost like a baby book......that way its started and you have the pics that you want in there......good luck and you are very blessed ..........

Lovemybabies429
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 11:23 PM

Given his age i think it would be better to wait until he is old enough to really understand, it may just be too confusing to him right now.

breastfeedingblowing bubblesteen girl



youngmm
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 11:30 PM

I think every child NEEDS to know who are their biological parents. IMO, I would tell him calmly that his mom is sick right now and needs help and thats why she cant visit him...and that she loves him no matter what. Thats his mother, you know? It would probably do more harm than good, if youpretty much lie to him about who his REAL mother is..even though you're his mommy. My mom and I went to this psychologist show thingy and thats one of the things she said. She said that even when babies are adopted they need to know that they have 2 set of parents who love them dearly..and that theyre special because everyone else just has 1 set..they have to know even when theyre babies.

mysweetJBs
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 11:31 PM

I think from age 4 to 5 are perfect ages for discussing difficult topics like this.... from adoption to sex to religion.  You make it short and simple and let them ask the questions.  At this age kids are more likely to be logical vs. emotional.  They see things as black and white and trust their parents.  I think, if you wait until say, he is 8 or older then you can get some serious backfire (mistrust, hurt feelings, abandonment issues ect).  Tell him now and it will just be a fact of life to him - like how there are stars in the sky and flowers in spring.  As he gets older it will then be easier for him to ask more in-depth questions because you have created an environment of openess and honesty and trust. 

Heartlight617
by on Jan. 25, 2009 at 11:31 PM
Please tell him! Better he hears it from you and dad than someone else. That is what happened to me. I adopted my son's girlfriend's baby. Dss had removed him for reasons of severe neglect. When he was four I decided to tell him in Summer, in case he was upset he wouldn't have to deal with it while attending school. Well, in April of that year, en route to school in our car, he said,"Mom, is it true that I had another mom who gave me away because she didn't want me?" I immediately pulled over,as I realized he must have known -to mention the specifics of the situation. I could not lie to him, and we sat and talked in the car. He hung his little head, turned away from me and started crying. I cried too.To this day, the very thought of that morning brings me to tears. I asked him who had said that, but he was evasive. I was angry at myself for trying to wait for the 'right' time, and furious at whoever told him that way! We just talked the other night about it, and I again asked him who it was that said it, and he named my older daughter. I had suspected as much, but she denies it to this day. It was such a hurtful thing to do. So, please tell him before someone else does! You needn't give him the details of his mother's drug use and incarceration. Maybe you could just tell him she had problems and could not care for him. He will figure out soon enough on his own what kind of person she is, for better or worse. Sometimes my son will cry at night about missing his 'other' mom, as he calls her. I always let him talk about his feelings, and let him know she loved him enough to leave him with us when she was unable to care for him. He also sees a therapist.Good luck. He is lucky to have you for a mom!
Carol
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