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Its so hard to lose someone...

Posted by on Feb. 13, 2009 at 8:39 PM
  • 5 Replies

So lately, I have been thinking about my cousin. He was killed while fighting the war in Iraq, May 11, 2006. He was only 22. Its just so sad. I remember my mom calling me and explaining what she knew, and all I could keep saying is 'This wasn't supposed to happen'. Because it wasn't. He was supposed to come home! He was supposed to settle down, get married, have babies... live a long and happy life... but he didn't. I still hurt over it. And I couldn't imagine being my aunt (his mom), or his brother or sister... if it hurts this bad to lose a cousin, I can only imagine what it hurts like to lose a child.Though, in a sense, I can relate.

I had a miscarriage, when I was 18; I can remember the day I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. I had only been with my BF at the time for 4 months. We had only just moved in together. He was 11 yrs older than me. I hadn't been feeling good for about a week. I was sick to my stomach, achy, and just so tired. So I had my BF take me to the walk in clinic. (I'm a complete hypochondriac, lol). Anyway, we got to the walk in, and there was a long wait. It was flu season. I remember them calling my name, and i went in and they asked why i was there. I listed what was wrong, and the nurse wrote it all down. She said 'last period?' and I said, 'hmmmm, about a month and a half ago'. She says okay, writes that down. So then she says, 'well we will take a blood sample and a urine sample and i am pretty sure we will have our answer'. Looking back, I can say i was SO naive!! Being pregnant hadn't even crossed my mind. So she took the samples, sent them to the lab and had me wait in the waiting area. I was so paranoid, for some odd reason i was certain I had cancer. I had stressed that to my BF earlier in the day (i've had a lump on my thyroid for years, which i've been told is not cancerious, but back then I was sure that was what was causing my symptoms). Anyway, I continued to wait, and had tears in my eyes, I was terrified of what could be wrong. So he is sitting there telling me he is sure i am okay, and that I probably have the flu that is going around, not cancer. They call my name, I go back in the room, still extremely nervous (to the point i thought i was going to throw up). the dr comes in, smiling. He says 'congratulations!' I go 'why?' He says, 'you're pregnant!'  I start bawling. I didn't even see it coming. So I go back to the waiting room, still bawling like a baby. I'm so upset that I can't even talk and my BF is freaked out and goes 'What?! Why are you crying? What is wrong?! Oh no~ is it cancer?!' And i say 'Worse!'  He stops, goes 'whats worse than cancer?' I go 'i'm pregnant' and just am sobbing uncontrolably. He starts laughing, and gives me a huge tight hug. I just look at him like he's losing his mind. He tells me to stop crying, it will all be okay, and we will make it work.

So anyway, the next day I call an OB/Gyn in my network. Can't get for almost a month and a half (they prefer to see their patients around the third month so they can do an ultrasound that first visit. For the next month, I am nauseas beyond belief, my breasts hurt, I'm cranky and tired. But then a week before the appt, I feel almost normal: breasts seem back to normal, no more nausea, and kinda energized. So i think to myself, hmmm, pregnany isnt so bad after all.

The day of my appt, I was so excited and anxious. I wanted to hear my baby's heartbeat! We get to the dr, fill out all the paperwork, and then go back to the room. They ask 1001 quesitons, and finally, its time to lay on the table! The dr. puts the gel on my tummy, then the wand. He is moving it all around my stomach, not saying much. And it seems to be taking a long time (though i had never had an U/S before so wasn't sure really what to expect.) After about five minutes of a lot of searching, he looks confused and says 'okay, that part is over, now we are going to do try something else.' He then did a vaginal U/S. And same thing, just had a confused look on his face. He finishes up, and says 'well, i am going to have you go down to our lab for another, they're machines are a little more high tech.'  At that point, i knew something was wrong. But i was too scared to say anything other than 'okay'. My bf looked worried too, and when we got in the car, he expressed his concerns. We agreed to stay positive and went to the lab. The lab tech was the rudest woman ever, and wouldnt say a word. She treated me like I was just a belly; no face, no name. Afterwards, we went back to the Drs office to talk about the results. The dr came and and looked very serious. He didnt waste anytime telling us that the baby was gone. Basically, what had happened is that I had a 'missed-misscarriage'. The baby had stopped developing around six weeks or 8 weeks, but my body didnt try to expel it. I was set up to have a D&C the following day. I kept my calm while in his office, so did my BF. But when we got into the car, we both just lost it. He held me and we just cried and cried. I thought back to that day I found out I was pregnant, and how distraght I was and I resented myself for that feeling. But after the inital shock of finding out i was pregnant, I had gotten really excited and anxious. I was in love with the idea of being pregnant, and had bought a pregnancy calendar and even a few shirts. And now none of that mattered. I was devestated.

The day of the D&C, my dad sent me flowers, and my best friend did too. And as I was wheeled into surgery, I couldnt help but feel like it was my fault that the miscarriage happened. After the surgery I was so groggy and out of it. It took me a couple days to feel better. But i tried to forget what had happened. We even talked about having another baby as soon as possible.

I did end up getting pregnant again, 4 months later. But I still think back to that inital pregnancy, and wonder what if? I guess everything happens for a reason, and I tell myself had that pregnancy went to term, my life wouldnt be where it is today. I wouldnt have the children that I do have. I realize I am getting way off topic, and I also realize that maybe this post is a way of me grieving for the baby I never got to know? After I lost the baby, my BF (who eventually became my husband, though now we are seperated) and I never talked about it. Looking back, I think to myself how strange that we act like it never happened? It depresses me at times. 

So going back to the beginning of this post, where I say " In a sense i can relate to losing a child', I guess I am acknowledging that no matter when you lose a child, whether they were inside you for 2 months to 9 nine months, or on this earth for 1 yr to 50 yrs, it hurts. Time doesn't change that. Granted I suppose I can call my self 'lucky' that I lost that baby before I really got to 'bond' (I wasn't showing yet, never felt that first kick, no heartburn, etc). I think had I gone that far into the pregnancy and then lost him/her I would not have recovered.

I end this post grateful for all that I have in my life. There are so many moms on here that have lost children, and the thought of that tears me up inside. I admire their strength and courage for pulling through. I also admire my Aunt for carrying on for her other 2 children when she lost her son almost three years ago. I will never forget my cousin, and continue to miss him everyday. He died a hero...

by on Feb. 13, 2009 at 8:39 PM
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Replies (1-5):
by on Feb. 13, 2009 at 8:44 PM

I'm so sorry for your losses. 

by Ruby Member on Feb. 13, 2009 at 8:45 PM

I lost my daughter 19 years ago. I still mourn for her everyday of my life. I lost my grandma a year and a half ago, I don't think I will ever stop crying. Sometimes you have write it out to feel better. I'm sorry for your losses.

by on Feb. 13, 2009 at 8:55 PM

I'm so sorry for your losses - I just lost a good friend unexpectedly this week and my best friend was murdered by her husband 3 years ago on February 5th. It's still very hard.

Mom to 2 boys, wife to a wonderful husband 
 Group Owner - Marraige Under God
Group Admin - Christian Mom's Bible Study Group
Group Admin - Mommies4Jesus

by on Feb. 13, 2009 at 9:12 PM

I am sorry for your losses.

I lost my nephew 8yrs ago. that was difficult.

i dont know how my sister coped through that the way she did.

The thought of losing anyone else actually makes me physically ill. 

by on Feb. 13, 2009 at 9:30 PM

Thanks to all of you for replying to my post. And thanks for taking the time to read it... i can't believe how long it got! lol. but it did feel good to get it all out... holding it in for almost ten years was tough.

Thank you for taking the time to listen, and to care.

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