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I don't know how to shake this feeling...

Posted by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 2:25 PM
  • 12 Replies

 I lost my son to SIDS a little over 8 months ago. He was my second child, and at the time was going to be my last. Ever since his death, I have been longing for another baby. Every month I get so excited that maybe it's time. My DH however, is confused about it. He misses his son and is scared to have another one because of this. I am not on BC but we are using the pull-out method. My DH believes whatever happens.. happens, but he's not going to make it happen. KWIM? I beg and beg and beg it seems almost every DAY for us to try again.. I even get other people involved who try to talk him into it also. I know it's bothering him, and the more I ask the madder he gets. He doesn't want to replace our son and feels that's what we'd be doing. I just can't seem to shake the feeling of wanting another baby. And cry every month when I realize I'm not pregnant. I just don't know how to deal with this.
Please don't bash me for anything.. I will delete.

Thank you for letting me vent. :)

by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 2:25 PM
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Replies (1-10):
kgsharber
by Gold Member on Apr. 8, 2009 at 2:28 PM

He probly needs time. But it seems like he is interested in another baby, he just needs to get his emotions in check. 

Proud Mommy to 3 CRAZY Boys 




 toddler boyboy on a swingplaying soccer

marshsmom
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 2:29 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Have you and your husband sought counseling to help you cope?  I can understand you wanting another child, and I think this could happen wether you had lost your son or not.  If you don't already receive counseling you might consider it.  If you do be sure to discuss this issue with your therapist.


grngoddess
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 2:30 PM

I think that you have to be open to how he is feeling.  Hes not done grieving his son.  Honestly I know how much you want to have a child but if hes not ready I don't think that you should push the issue.  Maybe after a year he will feel better.

I'm sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear.  I am very sorry for your loss.  I hope that things work out for you guys and I hope that when you do get pregnant its a wonderful happiness for both of you.

BaysMom26
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 2:31 PM


Quoting marshsmom:

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Have you and your husband sought counseling to help you cope?  I can understand you wanting another child, and I think this could happen wether you had lost your son or not.  If you don't already receive counseling you might consider it.  If you do be sure to discuss this issue with your therapist.

We saw a counselor for a little while after his death last year, but haven't seen one for about 6 months now.
Everything else seems fine, we're just on two different pages as far as more children go. He said he would be fine if our daughter were an only child.

BabyLucasMom
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 2:33 PM

Let him know that you will never replace your son, but a new baby is new hope, new life and he or she will help your family cope. Do things to honor his memory, like planting a tree or donating in his name to still show all the love you have for him.

Good luck!!

marina069
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 2:33 PM

i am so so sorry for your family's loss, but you can't push or pressure your husband on this, and i don't think getting other people involved to pressure him is the way to go, his feelings are valid and need to be respected (not bashing you, and i can't even begin to understand how you feel) but he is still grieving too, and he is entitled to do that in his own way, i hope he does agree in the future to try again, hugs and prayers to you and your family

Lauri, mommy to 2 princesses

BaysMom26
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 2:34 PM


Quoting grngoddess:

I think that you have to be open to how he is feeling.  Hes not done grieving his son.  Honestly I know how much you want to have a child but if hes not ready I don't think that you should push the issue.  Maybe after a year he will feel better.

I'm sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear.  I am very sorry for your loss.  I hope that things work out for you guys and I hope that when you do get pregnant its a wonderful happiness for both of you.

Thank you so much. I am trying to wait. I know that this is still kind new.. Landon's birthday is next month. I just can't get it out of my mind. A whole bunch of friends are having babies, and two of our closest friends are having boys, and that just kills me. But I am trying, and will continue to try to hold back the feelings.. for my hubby at least.

ShortCakeScrap
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 2:35 PM

I agree, I think he needs more time. 

I'm so sorry for your loss and what you are going through emotionally.  Big hugs to you!

Quoting kgsharber:

He probly needs time. But it seems like he is interested in another baby, he just needs to get his emotions in check. 


25beengoodtome
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 2:35 PM

You're still keeping some of your old baby stuff, "just in case". right?

There's a wise old wive's tale,"If you give away or sell all your unused baby items, you'll gert pregnant!" Give it a try, see what happens. Besides, you might help out a needy mom & baby.

Humboldt0608
by on Apr. 8, 2009 at 2:38 PM

It seems like (and I mean this in the most non offensive way possible) that you want to have a baby NOT to replace your little angel but to shake the empty nest feeling. To fill that void.

You're husband sounds like he's not done grieving.

I think you might want to take some more time. Process and heal first before you bring another baby into your home. I think that maybe it would be beneficial to the both of you to go back to counseling and maybe help each other get back to the same page. You both need time to heal.

Also, I'm sorry for you loss. I can't even begin to imagine what the two of you are going through.


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