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Very long - but would love your critique if possible

Posted by on May. 8, 2009 at 8:45 AM
  • 12 Replies

So, this is a first draft letter to my folks.  I've tried talking with them and they get melodramatic, defensive, and outright lie always turning it back on me being sensitive and selfish.  So, I thought I'd send them an e-mail.  Let me know what you think...TIA


Dear mom and dad,

I am DONE.  I no longer need - or want - your help or involvement with my kids.  I'm SO tired of being "2nd fiddle" to my brother - who doesn't deserve to be 1st. 

I do NOT want you at those 2 soccer games I asked you to attend because you're only there because you feel like you 'HAVE TO' in order to "keep things fair"...but you WANT to go be with your other grandkids.  There is a big difference between doing something out of a sense of obligation and doing something because you want to.  You want your other grandkids - not mine. 

Even last year "J" noticed that all you ever talked about was the "boys" and their games - in great detail - and at that point you hadn't even attended one of his games...and he asked why you like to go see them more than him.  I had to guilt you into coming - and then you weren't even "fair" there and attended (and bragged) about "M"'s football games far more than "J"'s soccer games.  It is so unbelieveably obvious that your "rank" of which kids you favor goes for all 3 of my brother's kids, then "M", then "S", and finally "J".  It's sickening and I can't put my kids through this anymore.

I know you're going to get all melodramatic and deny everything - but you're simply wrong and tend to have VERY selective memory.

It's bad enough that my brother can do no wrong in your eyes - no matter how horribly he treats you and everyone in our family - yet you still practically worship the ground he walks on.  And now you're going to "run off as soon as the game is done" (your words) to go to THEIR birthday party...making my kids feel like they're not as important and you really didn't want to be there in the first place because it was taking your time away from their cousins.  NO WAY will I put them through that ... so DON'T COME.

As far as me wanting to be with only "my own little family"...how could you say that?!  I have bent over backwards trying to attend all of their birthday parties...When they're visiting here (often days at a time) I would actually PLAY with them (when they were younger) - as opposed to my brother who doesn't even SPEAK to my kids.  I have rescheduled my OWN kids' parties to try to accomodate my brother and his family - and sometimes he STILL didn't bother to show up because it interfered with whatever the hell HIS "own little family" was doing.  You say he did attend "M's" birthday last year - yup.  And talked to Uncle "B" and dad throughout the ENTIRE present opening, completely ignoring M.  Much of the rest of the room was listening to HIS conversation...so when my kid would show what he got, almost no one noticed.  Don't believe me?  I have it on video.

Oh, and let's not forget "M's" other birthday that my brother and family supposedly had "car trouble" and couldn't make the rest of the 2 1/2 hour drive.  Even if that were true - MY DAD AND YOU WERE ON THE PHONE WITH THEM FOR 1/2 THE PARTY OFFERING TO LEAVE OUR PARTY TO GO HELP THEM!!!!  Her (my sil) parents were much closer and could go get them, but you were oh - so - willing to leave my son's party to go to them.  Or the birthday before that when they said they would come, then changed their plans and visited with some old college friends that weekend instead.

Oh, and let's remember LAST YEAR.  They (brother and SIL) said their kids were too old for birthday parties now - they weren't going to have one.  They asked if we wanted to join them in one BIG party at a waterpark.  We said Sure!  We cancelled our sons' (J and S) party - then THEY backed out because the waterpark deal didn't fit in their schedule and we ended up not HAVING  a party for our kids because NO ONE in our family could make it any other time.

And, now you're mad at ME because I resented you for suggesting that my kids miss their last soccer game of the season to go 2 1/2 hours away to THEIR party that the kids are suddenly no longer "too old" for?!  Not a chance.

This is just the tip of the iceberg...I could go on and on and on about the millions of ways that you favor my brother and his family over me and mine.  You can deny it all you like - which I know you will - but I'm just DONE with it all.  I no longer want either of you to be a part of our lives.  We don't need you and my kids deserve to feel like they matter just as much as anyone else.



Soon to be debt free!!
BS1 - Done!; BS2 - Done!;
BS3 - working on it - $4000/$18,000; BS4 - Not yet
BS5 - $25/month so far; BS6 - Hopefully!
BS7 - Someday!!
by on May. 8, 2009 at 8:45 AM
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Replies (1-10):
PurpleNurples
by on May. 8, 2009 at 8:49 AM

OK, so I'm going to give it straight up only because I have been through something similar.  Writing a letter, while it can be therapeutic, does absolutely nothing to help the situation.  If you really want nothing to do with them, then do just that.  Have nothing to do with them.  I know it hurts, because you feel like what's important to you should be important to them.  It's not.  Like a tear in a bucket....fuck it!  Ignore them, and move on with your life.  ((hugs))

flying bunny

hickory
by on May. 8, 2009 at 8:52 AM

That is a good point.  I intended this to be my last communication with them because I want them to understand why I'm so upset - but as you said they won't listen anyway.  But, how do I make sure they DON'T come to that last soccer game?  I had asked them to be there - then the whole other grandkids b-day party thing was scheduled - and now (as you read) I just don't want them there at all.

By the way - thanks for reading that long post! :)

Soon to be debt free!!
BS1 - Done!; BS2 - Done!;
BS3 - working on it - $4000/$18,000; BS4 - Not yet
BS5 - $25/month so far; BS6 - Hopefully!
BS7 - Someday!!
dastle
by on May. 8, 2009 at 8:55 AM

It sounds ok,  but my only suggestions are...  in the 5th paragraph    "It's bad enough that my brother can do wrong"  Needs a "no" before wrong.  and also in the 5th paragraph... "no way... I'm going to .... "  sounds better as "no way, am I going to put"  or "no way, will I put them..."

Sucks that you even have to write a letter like this.


hickory
by on May. 8, 2009 at 8:56 AM

Thanks!  when you're writing furiously, grammar sometimes gets goofed up.  Thanks :)

Soon to be debt free!!
BS1 - Done!; BS2 - Done!;
BS3 - working on it - $4000/$18,000; BS4 - Not yet
BS5 - $25/month so far; BS6 - Hopefully!
BS7 - Someday!!
MissAndrea125
by on May. 8, 2009 at 8:59 AM

I was going to say that it sounds great, but I do have to say, I kind of agree with what the first mom just said as well. Sometimes actions speak louder than words, and if you just ignore them and stop associating with them, maybe they will get the hint, and maybe after a while if they wonder whats up, then you can simply state your reason, and tell them to just let it go. But if you do decide to give the letter, add the word "no" to "my brother can do wrong." Either way, I do think you need to stop associating with them for your own sanity, and see if anyone comes around and starts acting a little more appropriately. I hope your kids don't resent anyone and harbor the negativity because that will hurt them in the long run also.  

ccoyle4
by Gold Member on May. 8, 2009 at 8:59 AM

my advise is.....now that you've wrote that email, just delete it.  It helps just to get it out, but I wouldn't send it.  Just stop talking to them all together if you want.  If they want it any different, let it be ALL up to them to get in contact with you...without the email....

dastle
by on May. 8, 2009 at 8:59 AM

it does...  I don't know how many times I'm in a heated debate with someone on here, and re-read what I wrote and just think WTH was I doing when I wrote that. LOL...  Hope things go ok,  as for how to get them to not come.. You can't.  You can tell them until you are blue in the face but if they decide to go all you can do is ask them to leave.  If they won't then I would just ignore them, and take my kids away immediately after they are finished with the game. 

Quoting hickory:

Thanks!  when you're writing furiously, grammar sometimes gets goofed up.  Thanks :)



MissAndrea125
by on May. 8, 2009 at 9:00 AM


Quoting hickory:

That is a good point.  I intended this to be my last communication with them because I want them to understand why I'm so upset - but as you said they won't listen anyway.  But, how do I make sure they DON'T come to that last soccer game?  I had asked them to be there - then the whole other grandkids b-day party thing was scheduled - and now (as you read) I just don't want them there at all.

By the way - thanks for reading that long post! :)

Tell them it is cancelled.

dueoctober8
by on May. 8, 2009 at 9:01 AM

you go girl! lol I hate people like that tell them off but if they reply dont even read it cause it will only make you mad  high five

3timesoccermom
by on May. 8, 2009 at 9:01 AM

I'm sorry your parents do that to your kids - I know it is incredibly painful and I can't imagine how they ever get to the point where they feel this is ok.  The only good thing I can say about it is that it helps us know what NOT to do as parents.

I wish I could come watch their soccer games.  :-)

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