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Moms with teens...BC ? or anyone with advice New UPDATE in Green

Posted by on May. 24, 2009 at 1:28 PM
  • 42 Replies

I've posted this in 2 other groups and I'm not getting any replies.  I'm open to suggestions or opinion but please no bashing.

My 16yr sister text me yesterday wanting help getting birth control.  I think it is great that she is being proactive about protecting herself.  I just don't know how to go about helping her.  I know that my parents aren't against the idea but I also don't know why they haven't put her on it yet.  My dad is totally for it but seeing how he is a man and a truck driver that's never home he isn't going to take her to get it.  I have no idea what my mother's problem is.  I was on the pill when I was 16.  The only thing I can think of is that there are a few differences between me and my sister.

1) she is the same age I was but I got it at the end of my junior year and she will be starting her junior year

2) I was with my high school sweetheart for 3yrs when I asked for it and she has been with her bf for a month

3) My high school sweetheart was the only guy I was with and she has already had at least one sexual partner (and I believe that is the only one but not for sure)

She told me she is scared to ask mom for it because she doesn't want her to think she is having sex with her bf.  I believe her but it's only a matter of time before she does which is why she needs the pill.  I have talked to mom about it several times in the past but obviously she still hasn't done it.

So my question is how do I approach this subject with my mother and convince her it is time for the pill?  Or is there anyway my dad can approve it and I take her to get it?  Or can I just take her without parent approval?

Ok she just confessed she is having sex with bf and they haven't used any protection.  I'm so scared now!

So I convinced my sister to talk to my mom.  I gave her some advice and told her she could wait for me to be there if she wanted to.  She decided she wanted to get it over with.  She asked my mom if they could talk about sex, the pill, and that she was being sexually active.  Apparently my mom said "yeah you need it but I can't afford it."  I'm kinda disappointed with my mom.  My sister said that my mother blew her off on the whole talking about sex part and when my sister tried to push the issue and ask my mom how she felt about it my mother just stopped talking.  So I guess I'm going to make some calls on Tues and see if she can get it cheap or for free.  If not I guess I'll have to pay for it.  Thanks for all the replies and help. 


CafeMom Tickers
by on May. 24, 2009 at 1:28 PM
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Replies (1-10):
caiti
by on May. 24, 2009 at 1:30 PM

I don't know if you can take her without parent approval at 16, honestly, I just don't know. I was on BC at 14, for a medicine, and it just turned out to be useful when I got with my now current husband. I think you definitely need to have a talk with your mom. It's not shameful to want to protect yourself.

mommy2be1121
by on May. 24, 2009 at 1:33 PM

Where i live you dont have to have parents permission to get on BC she could do it herself without anyone!

sk_tennyson
by on May. 24, 2009 at 1:34 PM

 Planned Parenthood does not need parental permission. If you arent comfortable giving her a ride give her bus fare.


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Steph1499
by on May. 24, 2009 at 1:35 PM

I dont think u need a parents permission for a 16 year old. but i could be wrong.  My mom didnt want to put me on birth control but my grandma said do u want her to get pregnant cause shes going to havesex with or with out it.   I did get pregnant at 16  so i guess grandma was right lol  but  I think u should just talk to mom about it and feel her out.  If she  is against it  get some info about it  and if she doesnt need your mom then tell her   go get it.     I have a 10 year old dd and a 10 month old dd and  bet your ass they will be on birthcontrol.   My son he will get condoms. (girls too)   I will of course push for them staying a virgin as long as possible but in reality  I was a teen once and I know what is happening.   I want them to be safe and protected.

Mindy9807
by on May. 24, 2009 at 1:38 PM

 You could take her to plan parenthood.

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TheresaMomof9
by on May. 24, 2009 at 1:55 PM

I'm not bashing, but you did ask for opinions and I'll give you  mine.

Yes, Planned Parenthood will  help her sneak behind her parents' back and get birth control, value-less advice about sex and information and assistance procuring abortion if she ever wants one. But precisely because PP will do that, it interferes with healthy relationships between parents and children. And yet, if something goes wrong, she perhaps has an issue with the BC, they will be looked at as the 'responsible party' for paying. Your sister could probably not get her ears pierced (depending on the state) without your mother or father's permission, but would likely get birth control without their knowledge, which could mess up her hormones or cause significant health issues for her.

PP couldn't possibly have the best interests of your sister at heart, because 1-they don't know her personally from Adam, and your parents presumably love her deeply, and 2-PP is primarily about making money, nearly $1 billion a year from some sources.

My recommendation would be for you to encourage your sister to sit down and discuss this with your mother, who may also want to share information about the harmful physical effects of sex in a non-committed, non-marital relationship, such as STDs, as well as the emotional dangers. Most 16 year olds do not marry the boy they have sex with at that age. She is, by  making that choice, setting herself up for a future of regret and pain, as studies have shown that sex actually bonds individuals. Once you choose to have sex with someone powerful hormones (oxytocin) actually provide a bonding experience (nature's way of keeping a couple together to benefit their potential children). The break up will be rough. Most girls in similar situations will attest to that. And then what next? What of the next young man? She is setting herself up for a cycle of unhappiness. She deserves better.

As an older sister, if I were in your shoes, I would counsel her to wait and save this most precious gift for her someday future spouse. Even if it is "too late" for that very first experience, it is not "too late" to begin again. That wedding day may seem eons away, but if she selects her husband wisely, she will be very happy she made that recognition and from that decision forward, reserved that part of herself exclusively for him.

Good luck!

Theresa

laranadtony
by Emerald Member on May. 24, 2009 at 2:05 PM

In some states,a 12 year old does not need permission.I know a 14 year old does not need permission here.

What good is your shouting if I am not listening anymore?
savedbygrace316
by on May. 24, 2009 at 2:06 PM

Thank you for the different opinion.  She has already had one sexual partner and has learned the heart ache from that.  I do think it is a good idea for her to talk with my mother about sex (the good, the bad and the ugly).  My mother and I had that talk a couple times before I had sex.  I'm wondering if she is holding back because my sister is the baby (I'm the oldest).  Also I've noticed when it comes to the "adult conversations" my mom expects her to come to me.  Maybe it would be a good idea for the 3 of us to sit down and talk?

Quoting TheresaMomof9:

I'm not bashing, but you did ask for opinions and I'll give you  mine.

Yes, Planned Parenthood will  help her sneak behind her parents' back and get birth control, value-less advice about sex and information and assistance procuring abortion if she ever wants one. But precisely because PP will do that, it interferes with healthy relationships between parents and children. And yet, if something goes wrong, she perhaps has an issue with the BC, they will be looked at as the 'responsible party' for paying. Your sister could probably not get her ears pierced (depending on the state) without your mother or father's permission, but would likely get birth control without their knowledge, which could mess up her hormones or cause significant health issues for her.

PP couldn't possibly have the best interests of your sister at heart, because 1-they don't know her personally from Adam, and your parents presumably love her deeply, and 2-PP is primarily about making money, nearly $1 billion a year from some sources.

My recommendation would be for you to encourage your sister to sit down and discuss this with your mother, who may also want to share information about the harmful physical effects of sex in a non-committed, non-marital relationship, such as STDs, as well as the emotional dangers. Most 16 year olds do not marry the boy they have sex with at that age. She is, by  making that choice, setting herself up for a future of regret and pain, as studies have shown that sex actually bonds individuals. Once you choose to have sex with someone powerful hormones (oxytocin) actually provide a bonding experience (nature's way of keeping a couple together to benefit their potential children). The break up will be rough. Most girls in similar situations will attest to that. And then what next? What of the next young man? She is setting herself up for a cycle of unhappiness. She deserves better.

As an older sister, if I were in your shoes, I would counsel her to wait and save this most precious gift for her someday future spouse. That wedding day may seem eons away, but if she selects her husband wisely, she will be very happy she reserved that part of herself exclusively for him.

Good luck!

Theresa


CafeMom Tickers
laranadtony
by Emerald Member on May. 24, 2009 at 2:07 PM


Quoting TheresaMomof9:

I'm not bashing, but you did ask for opinions and I'll give you  mine.

Yes, Planned Parenthood will  help her sneak behind her parents' back and get birth control, value-less advice about sex and information and assistance procuring abortion if she ever wants one. But precisely because PP will do that, it interferes with healthy relationships between parents and children. And yet, if something goes wrong, she perhaps has an issue with the BC, they will be looked at as the 'responsible party' for paying. Your sister could probably not get her ears pierced (depending on the state) without your mother or father's permission, but would likely get birth control without their knowledge, which could mess up her hormones or cause significant health issues for her.

PP couldn't possibly have the best interests of your sister at heart, because 1-they don't know her personally from Adam, and your parents presumably love her deeply, and 2-PP is primarily about making money, nearly $1 billion a year from some sources.

My recommendation would be for you to encourage your sister to sit down and discuss this with your mother, who may also want to share information about the harmful physical effects of sex in a non-committed, non-marital relationship, such as STDs, as well as the emotional dangers. Most 16 year olds do not marry the boy they have sex with at that age. She is, by  making that choice, setting herself up for a future of regret and pain, as studies have shown that sex actually bonds individuals. Once you choose to have sex with someone powerful hormones (oxytocin) actually provide a bonding experience (nature's way of keeping a couple together to benefit their potential children). The break up will be rough. Most girls in similar situations will attest to that. And then what next? What of the next young man? She is setting herself up for a cycle of unhappiness. She deserves better.

As an older sister, if I were in your shoes, I would counsel her to wait and save this most precious gift for her someday future spouse. Even if it is "too late" for that very first experience, it is not "too late" to begin again. That wedding day may seem eons away, but if she selects her husband wisely, she will be very happy she made that recognition and from that decision forward, reserved that part of herself exclusively for him.

Good luck!

Theresa

Make money off of what.We have free birth control clinics.They give you the pills and the condoms and foam WITHOUT parental permission.

What good is your shouting if I am not listening anymore?
TheresaMomof9
by on May. 24, 2009 at 2:14 PM

 

Quote:

Maybe it would be a good idea for the 3 of us to sit down and talk?


That sounds like a good idea! Offer that to her. Offer to be there and to tell your mom your sis wants to talk. The more you can encourage her to talk to your mother, the more you are helping her build that relationship, which will help her throughout her lifetime, as she grows up, marries and maybe needs some advice with her inlaws, the baby and all those grown up women things :) This is a very important issue. Who better to address it than the woman who gave her life and presumably cares about her more than anyone else in this world?

 Let's face it, our teen selves most likely were more emotional and perhaps more fearful than our adult selves. You have a unique gift to give to her--yourself, your experience and your wisdom. It sounds like you want her to succeed and make good decisions. One hard thing about growing up is facing what sex actually means. She's done it once, but that doesn't mean she should be casual about it (not saying she is, just that it is possible to be freer with that once you've done it once) or not rethink what this means and does she want to continue doing it.

You're a good sister in caring about her and seeking to help. I guess what I'm saying, in a nutshell, is build that bridge between her and your mom, and I think your idea of being there (or at least offering that) is a good one.

Theresa

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