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Am I raising a good kid or a door mat?

Posted by on May. 24, 2009 at 4:31 PM
  • 21 Replies

OK, so I know I am lucky.  My older son is easy going and well liked.  However, lately I am wondering if I am raising a nice kid or a doormat kind of kid.  Let me lay out a few examples from his life and you all give me your (brutally honest if need be) opinion on the situation.

When he as in pre-school he always sat at the table with the "naughty" kids because the teacher thought he would be a calming influence.  He use to get so upset being as privledges were passed out on table behavior. His table hardly ever "won" any prize because although he is a good kid, he was only 4 and could not influence 3 other 4 year olds to be quiet. In the other kids defense, some 4 year olds just can not be quiet.

In Kindergarten, the class bully decided he liked my son and would hit or kick anyone that came near him or tried to play with him at recess.  Finally the other kids stopped trying and so my son would spend recess with the bully.  I went to talk to the teacher who said, oh your son does not mind, he never complains.  We are all so happy the bully has a friend like him it is just what he needs is someone to model good behavior.  I told the teacher, yes he does mind, he wants to play with kids that are nice and be in a big group of kids not isolated because he is the only one that can tolerate the bully.  His teacher was shocked and apologized for not realizing the negative effects on my son.

In first and second grade my son always sat by the loud kids or the ones that got in trouble a lot because he was a good student and was not distracted by them.  Other kids were distracted by bad behaviors and were able to sit away from these kids.  My boy would come home and complain that all day these kids were being loud or obnoxious and it was just plain annoying.  I mentioned this during conferences and again the teachers stressed how much they count on my son to be the role model for these kids.

Now my boy is getting older but he is still considered the nice kid who gets put in the groups on field trips with the rowdy ones and expected to be the role model.  He is partnered with the kid no one wants to be a partner with since they know he can be trusted not to be mean or make a face when the partners are announced. 

He is stilll well liked and has tons of friends and does well in school.  He is still however bothered when he can not be partners with a friend like the other kids because he has to be with the one no one else wants (this is usually because that child is mean, not because of anything outside of their control like looks, race or gender).  He pulls more than his share in group projects because he is usually put with kids who are not as responsible because as one teacher put it "without him in the group, they would just do nothing".

So what do you think?  Do those who have it "good" like my son have a greater responsibility than others and therefore should accept these things.  Is that how the real world operates and so the younger you learn the better?  Or should I take more of a stand on these things?  I once told a teacher, "he is no ones hero or savior- he is a 9 year old boy".   Was I right or unfeeling?  Just so you know, my childs overall educational experience is positive and he on many occassions gets partner his friends, etc... It just seems that he is called on more than others to sacrifice or do more.  So, tell me- am I raising a good kid or a doormat?


by on May. 24, 2009 at 4:31 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Sirenabella
by on May. 24, 2009 at 4:35 PM

Both. He is a good kid and a door mat. It is obvious that ppl walk all over him. I was that kid in school too. Looking back I really wish I'd learned to speak up for myself a lot sooner. When you don't ppl just assume you are ok with whatever.

Angelbluewingsz
by on May. 24, 2009 at 4:43 PM

that's life. It seems the "good" people - the hardworking , god fearing, give you the shirt off of their back people get shit on while the a$$holes who lie, cheat, steal and treat others like crap get ahead in this world..... it is sad but true. I don't think you are raising a door mat.. my children and myself are like that too....Even as an adult I get accused of being a sucker because everyone just expects that I will be the reliable one, the designated driver, the babysitter etc... sometimes it is frustrating and I wish I would have learned to stand up for myself more as a child but on the other hand- no matter how much I whine later . I wouldn't change a thing, I like that feeling that I did something good, sure people treat you like dirt but at least you know you did the right thing. You need to make an effort to stand up for your kid- in front of him... if you really know it is something he needs help getting changed,, let him know it is alright to protest . Sadly, the squeaky (obnoxious) wheel gets the grease and the smooth one just gets used....

SIS213
by on May. 24, 2009 at 4:43 PM

 YOU HAVE A GREAT KID, BUT I HEAR WHAT HE IS SAYING, IT IS NOT HIS PLACE TO REAR THOSE BAD ONES TO BE GOOD, IT IS THE TEACHERS JOB, SO I WOULD STAND BEHIND HIM ALLTHE WAY. THOSE BAD APPLES HAVE TO LEARN ON THERE OWN. 

teampalmer4
by on May. 24, 2009 at 4:50 PM

I am listening and like what you all have to say.   I like the idea of him advocating for himself, he is old enough to do that! 

As far as the "go to" adult... I love people like you, the ones I can rely on and know they will always do right-


keep the advice coming... I love to learn from those who have been there, done that or at least have an idea to share!

smileolot
by on May. 24, 2009 at 4:52 PM

I think you are raising an exceptional son. However you need to prepare him and help him by role playing.

It is great that he can be an exceptional team player but you have to teach him some exceptional negociation skills. If he is as good as you claim he has plenty of leverage.

So Mrs. Jones says Now Mason you are the # 1 student so you will sit on the left side of the classroom how does that sound? Mason should answer and say sounds great but I would also suggest that we rotate chairs once every 2 weeks I would like to have my peers experience such a special seat! It  would not be fair to share the glory Mrs. Jones

When Mason is at the playground and Mason is too and other friends want to play. Billy says get away from my friend he is mine.......

Mason should look at Billy square in the eye and say " I don't belong to anyone" If you want to be friends you have to respect me and my choices.Sometimes I might play one on one and sometimes with a crowd.

If the teacher gives him a kid that does not want to be a team player he should suggest something like this: Could I partner with Joel, since I am such a good sport every once in a while having first pick can be rewarding!

You have to think up scenios to get your child ready!

I do role play with my daughter she is the tiniest in her class and kids in school think they can push her around. No sir she will put them in their place.

I remember in kindergarten a kid told her she was small. When she came home with such disappointment I told her that he did not know any better that good things come in small packages! Since then she doesn't mind that she is the tiniest one of all! She has a personality of all the kids combined!

Peace and Just keep on doing what you have been doing!

nahlieksmommy
by on May. 24, 2009 at 4:58 PM

You do not send your child to school to influence the behavior of the other children; you send him there to learn...and ' what you need to tell the teacher and the principal and the chancellor if they  don't listen... it's not his responsibility to monitor the behavior of misbehaved children. You are being treated as a doormat because it is essentially up to you to defend him. they know they are doing him a great disservice with this crap they're pulling and they're doing it because you're allowing it. if those children are so misbehaved that's the teachers problem not your sons... don't go for that crap think of all the lesson he's missing out on because he's stuck tring to monitor some bad kids...

resamerie
by on May. 24, 2009 at 5:00 PM

So sorry for what your lil guy is going through. It almost seems like it doesn't pay to raise a child with proper manners and values anymore. I wonder about this a lot. I taught my DD, she's 6 now, proper manners, sharing, playing well with others. Now that she just finished her first year of kindergarten, I've seen her get trampled all over by kids that will take her things, not share etc. And she just stuck it out with one or two of the other good kids. I always instructed her to tell the teacher if another kid hit her or took something away. When she took my advice, the teacher told her she was being a tattletail! Unbelievable. 





  • angel-1-1-1-2.jpg picture by kfpep
mamabear8869
by on May. 24, 2009 at 5:10 PM


Quoting teampalmer4:

I am listening and like what you all have to say.   I like the idea of him advocating for himself, he is old enough to do that! 

As far as the "go to" adult... I love people like you, the ones I can rely on and know they will always do right-

 

keep the advice coming... I love to learn from those who have been there, done that or at least have an idea to share!

 I think it is alittle of both, it sounds like you have a great kid, and shame on those teachers for using him to do their job, and he is obviously getting bothered about it, I would hold another conference, maybe with your son there so they can see that not only are you having a problem with them walking all over him but how it bothers and affects him... Good luck mama!




 

teampalmer4
by on May. 24, 2009 at 5:10 PM

Keep the ideas rolling in... I love the role playing idea and I like hearing from the other Mom's with the same type of question.....



smileolot
by on May. 24, 2009 at 5:16 PM

speaking up for yourself is an answer! He is a great kid and all he needs a little guidance.He is smarter than all of us. He could probably teach us all a thing or 2.

Quoting mamabear8869:


Quoting teampalmer4:

I am listening and like what you all have to say.   I like the idea of him advocating for himself, he is old enough to do that! 

As far as the "go to" adult... I love people like you, the ones I can rely on and know they will always do right-

 

keep the advice coming... I love to learn from those who have been there, done that or at least have an idea to share!

?? how is that answering her question or am I just missing something?.... To the OP, I think it is alittle of both, it sounds like you have a great kid, and shame on those teachers for using him to do their job, and he is obviously getting bothered about it, I would hold another conference, maybe with your son there so they can see that not only are you having a problem with them walking all over him but how it bothers and affects him... Good luck mama!


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