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an unwed mother of 3 kids.... from 3 different men... how do you feel about them?

Posted by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 1:08 PM
  • 24 Replies

i couldnt sleep last night:(

i was thinking for hours how i got to where i am at now...

and i thought i would share with a whole bunch of strangers simply because its better than keeping it inside. right?

age 4: i remember a few things at this age. i remember running back and forth in my house. then i remember my dad talking about the car. i remember the truck i got in. i remember the resturant booth. i rememeber my dad telling me to get down while in the truck. that we were playing a game. "lets pretend the cops are behind us". i remember the border. the mexico border. the cops telling me everything was okay and giving me my leftover burger. i was happy when they gave me my dads change that was in his wallet. then i remmeber playing with alot of stuff animals.

years later i asked my mother what this was all about. why do i have this vision in my head? she told me that my dad tried to take me to mexico. his plan was to show his mother that i did look like him. and more than likey i wouldnt come back.

 age 11: my 16 year old sister had a baby. i was jelous. she got everything. a cute boyfriend( who i thought at that time. i had read her diary earlier about how they had sex, in detail. i had even wrote a fake jurnal myslef saying i had 3 boyfriends cause i thought it was so cool) he had money too. lots of it. he even put her in a house.

same age or so... my brother went to prison. he was mean to me anyway. called me names. it hurt because people in school even called me the same name. gonzo, 4 eyes, chicken legs. i was happy he was gone. everytime he called collect i would hang up on him. my mother was so upset that he was gone.

same age or so: my dad was drunk... my sister was on the phone. my dad ordered her to get off and she didnt. he grabbed her by the foot and dragged her to the floor. telling her she was sorry for not listening. i walked in and his knees and weight of about 250 on her and her 17 -18 year old body. he had her by the shoulders and was banging her body on the floor. i saw a little girl walk up to him and he pushed her and she fell. i rememeber running to the phone like my mother instructed me too and called her so called best friend and the cops. her friend lived so close she came first and i had to walk past my dad and my sister on the floor to unlock the door. he got off of her. i rememebr the cops comming in and just telling my dad to leave. my sisters boyfriend there yelling at my sister to say something nothing happened to him after that.

i remember me and my sister getting into arguments. i ran away from the arguments . a week at a time. about 5 times. i remember once just because my dad slapped my sister.there was once i has my friend go with me. i had some older guy pick me up and he had a brother. picked her up. we stayed at his apartment. he must have been 18 or 20. i dont remember how i met him. i remember alot of things happening when i ran away but this one stands out. the guys wanted to play a game. whoever the bottle spins too, takes a drink. my friend pretended to drink but as i drank i rememeber the bottle kept going to me. i remember the guy wanted to dance. my feet dragged on the floor. i remember my friend was kissing the other guy, while i was taking to another room. he kissed me all over. took off my shirt. it wasnt the first time i messed with a guy. it felt nice. but then i remember 3 voices. one grabbed my feet... one my arms. i was placed on the bed. it was dark and i remember a smooth rounded "thing" was placed at my lips. i turned over. i was afraid. my friend walked in and yelled. she was sober. she layed next to me and procected me the rest of the night. my pants never came off. i still didnt want to go home.

age 15. i lost my virginity to my best friends cush. in a car. he covered my mouth as i yelped once. then a few days later i let him in my room.i had all my friends turn on me... but i dont plame them

age 16: i got a boyfriend. i left to his house. his parents were gone for the weekend. we had sex. we hung out for a few weeks before then, i remember going to his house  before. my mom went to get me in the morning. i was grounded from the phone but after that we got close. his parents liked me. they invited me places. they seemed normal. i fell in love.

age 16: my mother was dealing with my father again. well it never stoped. they always fought and argued about so much. well one night i woke up to her crying. i went into her room and light from the moon lighted the room. my dad was on top of her. i saw his chest and i knew he was doing something so wrong. i pushed with all my might. he didnt budge but he got off. i must have blocked off what i saw next cause i was in my room with my mother holding me  with my dad yelling in our faces that he was the devil. i didnt understand.

soon after than i remember my mother trying to get a lawyer. one of those free ones. my mother needed a translator and i knew she didnt want me to say she was raped. i didnt even speak her language. not much at least. not like i should have. why... cause we hardly spoke. she was always dealing with my dad. well we went to a home for battered women. then she spoke of how my dad beat my brother. i was the only one he didnt touch. she said so much. she hated being in a house that wasnt hers so we went back home. i could wait till i left back to visit my boyfriend.

oh btw i was 2 months pregnant.

after i had my first son at 16, i had to finish my school year with my mom. i rememeber  my dad always peeking through the crack of the door while i changed for school. this went on for years. i just taped up a towel over the crack.

after the school year, now age 17, i moved in with my boyfriends parents. i had failed the 9th grade 2 times. i was going to go to the same school as him. to finish my 2 and a half years at a school that just kept you in a cubicle.

fast forward, he hit me and that was the last draw. he wasnt bad well whatever. i left after 5 years.i wasnt in love. moved back to my mothers( when my son was age 2) . it was really over a year before when i cheated on him. but after i left for good...i slept with 20 men after that.( my dad calmed down alot, but the damage was already done)

age 22. i was though with the fast life. i was better than that. i had met an older guy who was awsome. a wonderful friend. who lived 2 hours away. but the sweetest guy ever. but when he wanted something more... i wasnt ready to deal with relationships just yet. studidly i thought, what if my son loved him???

then shorty after that i went to a house party, got drunk and was raped. long story short.

i found someone ( and im going to make this story shorter) again love in the wrong place. that lasted for 3 years. he cheated, emotionally abused, and got another girl pregnant. then i got pregnant. but before i knew ... i had slept with someone else to get even.

i was single for a long time. well for me. then i met my love. a man who has yet to do me wrong. a year later... i am pregnant. and he is happy. i tell him about the finacial situation and he tells me, well we will just list that the baby doesnt live with you therefore not having to get off pa. like its so simple.

so why am i so afraid. why i thought last night... so i want to scar my life again. i feel like its out of control. i feel wow...

tlc's a baby story is on.... and my baby is screaming... sigh..

is it fair to blame my parents? im a grown woman now. but not really.

oh and yes... my mother still speaks of leaving him. i cant go visit. .. he is as bad as he use to be. i guess since we are almost all gone. my brother lives in a little chack in the back yard. my sister moved out a long time ago.

he is gonna kill her one day you know... i think we all believe that.

by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 1:08 PM
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Replies (1-10):
judith106
by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 1:28 PM

Wow you have been through so much

just4me2c
by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 1:36 PM

i know... i just dont know what to do anymore.

 

sweetnsassymami
by Ruby Member on Jun. 9, 2009 at 1:39 PM

you should get counseling...that is alot for one person to go through. keeping it inside and not dealing with it will eat away at you. I'm sorry mama...hugs

just4me2c
by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 1:47 PM

counciling? and on pa?

this is my counceling lol... i was thinking last night... what would having an abortion do to me? ( my last post.. )my time is almost up for that... but the thoughts are there. and nightmares i cant control.

 its another scar. schools out. id have to do it behind my bf back. i feel resentment or something already. scared that he is gonna hurt me. im pregnant and hormanal.  honestly i was thinking last night im probably depressed.

my oldest wasnt explosed to alot that i have seen. id keep him away from my father. the second relationship he knew something was wrong but didnt know what. i really try to be a good mother. well from what i know.

i hope i give my kids a good life. im afraid i wont in the end though. that my oldest will want to go with his father cause his grandparents have money. that my second will wonder who his real dad is and realize his drug past. that they all will wonder why they each have a different father.

my boyfriend doesnt know any of this. he isnt easy to talk to. he would freak out.

stacey0716
by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 1:49 PM

Sounds like you have been through a lot. To answer your question, I know it's easier said than done, but don't worry about what other people think, as long as you take care of your kids it doesn't matter how you got them. KWIM? I am really curious as to how women really feel about that as I am in the same place. I don't want to take over your pots, so do you mind if I make a spinoff so as to not take away from your story?

sweetnsassymami
by Ruby Member on Jun. 9, 2009 at 1:50 PM

there are alot of programs at there that offer free counseling. churches would be a good start. You sound depressed and medication could help as well as talking to a professional. I didn't have the greatest of childhoods..it was rough. But once I had my daughter all the anger,resentment...I had to let go because my daughter doesn't deserve for that to be passed on to her. You know the saying....the person you hate will be who you become...I refuse to let that be true for me. Don't get me wrong writing your thoughts out is therapeutic but a counselor will help you find ways,tools to use to deal with your past. GL>

Quoting just4me2c:

counciling? and on pa?

this is my counceling lol... i was thinking last night... what would having an abortion do to me? ( my last post.. )my time is almost up for that... but the thoughts are there. and nightmares i cant control.

 its another scar. schools out. id have to do it behind my bf back. i feel resentment or something already. scared that he is gonna hurt me. im pregnant and hormanal.  honestly i was thinking last night im probably depressed.

my oldest wasnt explosed to alot that i have seen. id keep him away from my father. the second relationship he knew something was wrong but didnt know what. i really try to be a good mother. well from what i know.

i hope i give my kids a good life. im afraid i wont in the end though. that my oldest will want to go with his father cause his grandparents have money. that my second will wonder who his real dad is and realize his drug past. that they all will wonder why they each have a different father.

my boyfriend doesnt know any of this. he isnt easy to talk to. he would freak out.


just4me2c
by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 1:57 PM


Quoting stacey0716:

Sounds like you have been through a lot. To answer your question, I know it's easier said than done, but don't worry about what other people think, as long as you take care of your kids it doesn't matter how you got them.

I THINK THAT NOW MORE THAN EVER I CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK. I MEAN THEY DONT KNOW ME... ( WELL KNOW THEY DO A BIT)

I KNOW SOMEONE WHOS FATHER HAD LIKE 10 CHILDREN FROM 4 DIFFERENT WOMEN. HE CAME OUT OK. ACCCUALLY GREAT. HAPPILY MARRIED NOW. HMMM BUT A MOTHER HAVING 3 KIDS FROM 3 DIFFERNT MEN... OHHHH

 

KWIM? I am really curious as to how women really feel about that as I am in the same place. I don't want to take over your pots, so do you mind if I make a spinoff so as to not take away from your story?


lol dont worry about taking over...post whatever youd like:)

i have a tough exterior, i can handle the bashing. if you have read my other post about abortion i got alot of views and opinions. now everyone is shy... trust me they are not going to hurt my feelings. ive been through so much kwim?

 

momsbreak5654
by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 1:58 PM

Life can be crule.  I can relate to some of your trama and I can share your fears.  I have found that the past is the past.  Has it made me who I am...yes.  What doesnt break you, only makes you stronger.  Your children are the chance to break the cycle of domestic violence and you are the one to help them break it.  One step, One day, One goal at a time. 

Courage in  women is often mistaken for insanity. ~Alice Paul's doctor




  Are you insane?

stacey0716
by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 2:02 PM

That's why I want to post one just to get a general idea and maybe get some people to see that what they think may not exactly be true. All of my kids have different last names so when ppl hear that, I get the looks. But they don't know how I got here, just like they don't know about you.

Quoting just4me2c:

 

Quoting stacey0716:

Sounds like you have been through a lot. To answer your question, I know it's easier said than done, but don't worry about what other people think, as long as you take care of your kids it doesn't matter how you got them.

I THINK THAT NOW MORE THAN EVER I CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK. I MEAN THEY DONT KNOW ME... ( WELL KNOW THEY DO A BIT)

I KNOW SOMEONE WHOS FATHER HAD LIKE 10 CHILDREN FROM 4 DIFFERENT WOMEN. HE CAME OUT OK. ACCCUALLY GREAT. HAPPILY MARRIED NOW. HMMM BUT A MOTHER HAVING 3 KIDS FROM 3 DIFFERNT MEN... OHHHH

 

KWIM? I am really curious as to how women really feel about that as I am in the same place. I don't want to take over your pots, so do you mind if I make a spinoff so as to not take away from your story?


lol dont worry about taking over...post whatever youd like:)

i have a tough exterior, i can handle the bashing. if you have read my other post about abortion i got alot of views and opinions. now everyone is shy... trust me they are not going to hurt my feelings. ive been through so much kwim?

 


anziomom
by on Jun. 9, 2009 at 2:02 PM

 Oh momma. ((hugs)) That is a lot to deal with.

I don't judge when I hear of that sort of thing. If I have the baby I want with my current SO, I will have three different children with three dif dads.

I had two children with my first boyfriend. Our relationship lasted almost four years before he critically injured our son and went off to prison. My son passed away in Jan 06.

My youngest son was born to the second man I ever slept with. We were engaged to be married but he was murdered shortly after our second anniversary. Our son was nine months.

Then I met my boyfriend. Now we have been together over three years...and I know SO wants a bio child. I want another too, but my career is currently more important. Anyways. If we have a child I will have three by three. And they are the only three men I have ever slept with.

Trust me, there are times when I get the look. Filling out applications that require all of our names makes me cringe, because I know people assume. But in the end it has to be let go. We can't change the past, and as you have proven above they have no idea what your life is like. Just take care of those babies and do the best you can. Peace!

 

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