okay.. I am a failure... no bashing.

Replies:

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• by
  • RebeccaCorley
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 11:29 AM

• I have had those same feelings, and still do from time to time.  When you work at a work place, you always have someone there who is watching you.  They tell you that you are doing good work, making progress, getting the job done.  When you work at home you loose that weekly paycheck that also gives you the feeling that you are being approved of.  When you are a stay at home mom, there is no verification for you.  Spouses could tell you good job, I'm glad you were here to help our child today, but that is rare.  More often than not your are taken for granted.  Certainly your child takes for granted that you will always be there to fill her needs, spouses just assume you are happy because you are not working, and they also assume you will do all the housework, and have everything under control.  From the time we are little, we are looked at by others to advance.  Parents expect babies to walk and talk, and potty, and rewards and validation is given, then in school, grades, stickers, peer acceptance, all these things help us to know who we are and what we are doing is the right thing and a good thing. At work there are pats on the back, promotions, raises, paychecks.  When you stay at home, you are cut off from those needed inputs of approval.  It hits your self esteem pretty hard.  Then on top of it, there are those that belittle the position of a stay at home mom, as if somehow she were on permanent vacation.  That doesn't help the self esteem much either.  You have to look for different ways to feel validated.  This cafe mom  is a great place to do that.  There are lots of stay at home moms here who know better than to take another for granted.  Volunteering may give you a little pick up to.  Maybe volunteer somewhere your chihld will be comfortable to like at a play group or a preschool.  That way you are still with your child but also getting what you need for yourself, and a little more social interaction, which also helps you feel better.  I volunteered at my church for a while, and now I volunteer in the special ed class where my son goes to school.  It really makes a difference.  I think that just understanding why you don't feel whole will also help.  You aren't missing anything really you are still doing important work, you are just lacking the validation for the work you do.   Maybe find yourself a craft to learn.  Getting better and better at something will give you visible marks of improvement.  Right now for me it is my websight where I am giving away my scrapbooking designs I make. All the people that want them and are downloading them is one at a time helping my self esteem. The work at home thing is hard.  Beware, almost all of it is a scam.  Maybe you could start a at home daycare for right now.  There are plenty of parents that need trust worthy child care, and you could stay with your daughter, and the other  children would be good for her.  I know you will find a solution for yourself.  Please also remember that in this economy everyone is suffering and feeling a little out of place.  There are factors here that are out of your control, just keep doing the best you can!  Good luck.

• 
• by
  • katalinaskies
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 11:37 AM

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  Quoting mayzell:
  
  

  Doll you are just down, think about it like this ,if you were worthless you could not even be a mommy to your child.  Ibet you have her fed ,and cleaned ,and happy everyday. Now how is that worthless? If you feel like you are not a productive member of society volunteer somewhere helping others is always a good feeling.Plus a Good example to the little one. cheer up!

  
  DITTO!!!!!!!!!

  

• 
• by
  • IslandBreeze
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 11:43 AM

• Try a home business? Something that does not cost much to start up? All businesses cost money but at least see if you could find with a low cost start up.

  PM me if you have any questions.

• 
• by
  • rhondapayne
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 11:44 AM

• perhaps you could get a part time job, even fast food or something in retail where you and hubby could work opposite shifts so you can be the ones with the baby.  probably some of what you need is adult time.

  BTW    big time     you are NOT a failure.  not everyone feels the same standards.  some people are content as stay at home mothers and some need other things.  neither of those is a bad thing.
  

  Rhonda
  

  
  
  
  

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• by
  • Waiting4Oct.10
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 12:09 PM

• I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!!!! As I was reading I was like, uh-huh, uh-huh. yep...lol. I don't have my baby in my arms yet(I am 26 weeks pregnant) but I do stay at home with our two dogs. We can't leave them in our fenced yard because our landlord hasn't gotten us the new siding we need to keep them there. They have escaped more times than I can count, and we live in a trailer park, so I KNOW if we are not here to catch them in time, they will either be poisened, hit by a car, or taken away by Animal Control. My husband spent every last penny on a fence for them, but because our siding is so screwed up, they keep getting out. We have been waiting since Feb. for this siding, and still nothing. And I try to clean, but there are mice in the walls of the master bedroom(which hapens to be the room I am working on) and I am scared to death that they will come at my feet(can't wear sneakers, feet are swollen) and bite me.lol. We don't have any food to cook, mostly just cereal and ramen noodles, so I can't even make dh a good meal when he comes home. I always feel so lazy, but sometimes my feet are so swollen I can barely stand on them, let alone walk on them to transport things from one side of the room to the other. SO, I completely understand how you feel, and I'm not sure if I have advice, since I have cried over this several times myself. DH tells me never to worry about it, that he understands, and that he is just happy to come home to me, but I still feel so bad for the lack of money, food, and cleanliness. But good luck, and if you find a solution, let me, and I will do the same for you...lol. But seriously, I hope things get better for you and I hope you find peace within yourself for what you do bring to the table :)
  

  
  

• 
• by
  • lillitigator88
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 12:29 PM

• thanks for the support at least I know I am not alone.
  

  Quoting Waiting4Oct.10:
  
  

  I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL!!!! As I was reading I was like, uh-huh, uh-huh. yep...lol. I don't have my baby in my arms yet(I am 26 weeks pregnant) but I do stay at home with our two dogs. We can't leave them in our fenced yard because our landlord hasn't gotten us the new siding we need to keep them there. They have escaped more times than I can count, and we live in a trailer park, so I KNOW if we are not here to catch them in time, they will either be poisened, hit by a car, or taken away by Animal Control. My husband spent every last penny on a fence for them, but because our siding is so screwed up, they keep getting out. We have been waiting since Feb. for this siding, and still nothing. And I try to clean, but there are mice in the walls of the master bedroom(which hapens to be the room I am working on) and I am scared to death that they will come at my feet(can't wear sneakers, feet are swollen) and bite me.lol. We don't have any food to cook, mostly just cereal and ramen noodles, so I can't even make dh a good meal when he comes home. I always feel so lazy, but sometimes my feet are so swollen I can barely stand on them, let alone walk on them to transport things from one side of the room to the other. SO, I completely understand how you feel, and I'm not sure if I have advice, since I have cried over this several times myself. DH tells me never to worry about it, that he understands, and that he is just happy to come home to me, but I still feel so bad for the lack of money, food, and cleanliness. But good luck, and if you find a solution, let me, and I will do the same for you...lol. But seriously, I hope things get better for you and I hope you find peace within yourself for what you do bring to the table :)
  

  
  

  

• 
• by
  • Sheley
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 12:33 PM

• All I have to say is....if you need to make a change then do it.  Dont sit there and feel sorry for yourself.  Do what you need to do to be better and happier.  And on a side not....In regards to a stranger seeing all your child's firsts....There will always be a first time for YOU to see it.  Think about that.
  

  
  

• 
• by
  • lillitigator88
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 12:38 PM

• okay first off it was a vent and it said no bashing. I am trying to get a job if you read i was just feeling down.  So I am not just sitting there feeling sorry for myself.  We only have one car and we are trying. I am glad that you seem to have a everything good for you.  but omg. why reply and then be rude there is such thing as back button.!
  

  Quoting Sheley:
  
  

  All I have to say is....if you need to make a change then do it.  Dont sit there and feel sorry for yourself.  Do what you need to do to be better and happier.  And on a side not....In regards to a stranger seeing all your child's firsts....There will always be a first time for YOU to see it.  Think about that.
  

  
  

• 
• by
  • Sheley
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 12:43 PM

• Okay well I wasnt being rude first of all.  I am telling you that If you feel so bad about yourself then make a change.  Just do it.  Make it right so that your happy and healthy.  A change doesnt mean to get up and get a job...if you only have one car than thats kind of hard to arrange.  And you didnt have to be rude with the red line comment... I never said anything like this.  And I was trying to say that there is always a first time that your child does something...but Then there is the first time that you actually SEE it, may not even be the first time at all.  You will always see something for the first time. 
  

  Quoting lillitigator88:
  
  

  okay first off it was a vent and it said no bashing. I am trying to get a job if you read i was just feeling down.  So I am not just sitting there feeling sorry for myself.  We only have one car and we are trying. I am glad that you seem to have a everything good for you.  but omg. why reply and then be rude there is such thing as back button.!
  

  Quoting Sheley:
  
  

  All I have to say is....if you need to make a change then do it.  Dont sit there and feel sorry for yourself.  Do what you need to do to be better and happier.  And on a side not....In regards to a stranger seeing all your child's firsts....There will always be a first time for YOU to see it.  Think about that.
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

• 
• by
  • lillitigator88
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 1:02 PM

• I am sorry if you weren't trying to be rude. I am trying to make myself feel better I live in the country and don't have many neighbors and none of them have children.  the friends I do have moved away due to military..
  

  Quoting Sheley:
  
  

  Okay well I wasnt being rude first of all.  I am telling you that If you feel so bad about yourself then make a change.  Just do it.  Make it right so that your happy and healthy.  A change doesnt mean to get up and get a job...if you only have one car than thats kind of hard to arrange.  And you didnt have to be rude with the red line comment... I never said anything like this.  And I was trying to say that there is always a first time that your child does something...but Then there is the first time that you actually SEE it, may not even be the first time at all.  You will always see something for the first time. 
  

  Quoting lillitigator88:
  
  

  okay first off it was a vent and it said no bashing. I am trying to get a job if you read i was just feeling down.  So I am not just sitting there feeling sorry for myself.  We only have one car and we are trying. I am glad that you seem to have a everything good for you.  but omg. why reply and then be rude there is such thing as back button.!
  

  Quoting Sheley:
  
  

  All I have to say is....if you need to make a change then do it.  Dont sit there and feel sorry for yourself.  Do what you need to do to be better and happier.  And on a side not....In regards to a stranger seeing all your child's firsts....There will always be a first time for YOU to see it.  Think about that.
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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