What should my dh and I do about birth mom blowing child off ALL the time ?

Replies:

• 
• by
  • Kleotide
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 4:17 PM

• Honestly that's what I would do.  Cut her off.  If she appeals for visitation rights she can see her daughter again under supervision.  If not, then too bad for her.  You are the one having to explain to her why her BM isn't there, and that little girl is going through worlds of hurt each time it happens.

  Good luck.
  

             
  

   Married since 08/3/06   Inara 9/21/08       Trying for #2!
  

• 
• by
  • luv2wahm
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 4:21 PM
• I agree cut off visitation until she appeals...go for supervised. Plus, I wouldn't even tell dsd that she will be visiting mom, until you are right there for the visit. She doesn't need to feel the disappointment each and every time mom flakes..

  
  

  Who I am as a mom can not be expressed in a paragraph. It is expressed by who my children will become.
  

• 
• by
  • Sirenabella
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 4:22 PM

• One of the fun things I learned after my divorce... You can't be responsible for the other parent. Trying to work out visitation should not be your responsibility alone and you will drive yourself nuts. If she wants to see her DD she is going to have to get her act together and approach it. Not the other way around. Let it go until she is ready to be responsible and handle it in a mature manner.

• 
• by
  • the_littles2007
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 4:32 PM

•  Your DSD does NOT need to be around her BM if she (the BM) is acting that way. And there is no family court judge in the world that is going to allow unsupervised visits w/ your DSD if the BM is homeless. There will also have to be drug testing done, probably weekly.

  Is there visitation in effect now? If not you or your husband have no responsibility to allow visitation. Of course it would be wonderful if you all and BM could agree to visitation, and she shows up. But if the visitation isn't court ordered, then you don't have to let BM see DSD. Homelessness, drugs, sex, etc is NOT a healthy environment for a 6 year old.

  BUT you and/or your DH need to sit down w/ DSD and explain to her what is going on. And that will her BM is having some issues right now she still loves her, and that you all love her too. Make sure she understands that she is not doing anything wrong. And that she is a wonderful kid.

  Hope things get better soon.

  I am a quick food feeding, vaccinating, public school sending, overweight but non dieting, smoking, christian but non church going, mother of 2, step mom to 4, Obama voting, cafemom loving, french fry eating mom, who loves NO ONE! Have a great day!

• 
• by
  • mnmsmom2008
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 4:36 PM

• I wouldn't normally say this but seeing bio mom is doing more harm than good for the child. 

• 
• by
  • BrownEyedGirl86
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 4:36 PM

• i wouldnt mention bm visits to sd at all until you know bm is on her way so she cannot be disappointed anymore. 
  
  also if you had a lawyer...i woudl call him and ask him what you should do, if you should terminate rights or what. 
  
  best of luck
  

  
  

• 
• by
  • MrsArnett
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 4:37 PM

• I doubt it will get better because bm has been doing this since dsd was 1 yr old .. she didnt even show up to her 1st birthday party.. her last birthday she got her a 5 candle... my dsd turned 6. she cried and bm told her to shut the f*ck up you little b*tch and be happy with what you got and mommy aint gonna take you to chuckie cheese anymore because shiiit mama gots to go work .. ( with tricks and birth mom informed me these tricks are how she makes her money) ... i know all this because on of the laides that had a child at her birthday party told me!!! she got my phone number from dsd and called me we meet up and she told me all this stuff
  

  Quoting the_littles2007:
  
  

   Your DSD does NOT need to be around her BM if she (the BM) is acting that way. And there is no family court judge in the world that is going to allow unsupervised visits w/ your DSD if the BM is homeless. There will also have to be drug testing done, probably weekly.

  Is there visitation in effect now? If not you or your husband have no responsibility to allow visitation. Of course it would be wonderful if you all and BM could agree to visitation, and she shows up. But if the visitation isn't court ordered, then you don't have to let BM see DSD. Homelessness, drugs, sex, etc is NOT a healthy environment for a 6 year old.

  BUT you and/or your DH need to sit down w/ DSD and explain to her what is going on. And that will her BM is having some issues right now she still loves her, and that you all love her too. Make sure she understands that she is not doing anything wrong. And that she is a wonderful kid.

  Hope things get better soon.

  
  

• 
• by
  • MrsArnett
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 4:39 PM

• ugh and this come to our other problem... bm and bm boyfriend do not have drivers licences. dsd is not allowed in a car at bm house unless it is her papa's or her uncles.. bm has a tenancy to put dsd in the front seat on her lap or on the floor dh chased her down the street because of this before!!!!
  

  Quoting BrownEyedGirl86:
  
  

  i wouldnt mention bm visits to sd at all until you know bm is on her way so she cannot be disappointed anymore. 
  
  also if you had a lawyer...i woudl call him and ask him what you should do, if you should terminate rights or what. 
  
  best of luck

  
  

• 
• by
  • BrownEyedGirl86
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 4:48 PM

• may just don't say anything then until bm calls that day and asks when your coming. your not going to prevent her from gtttin hurt all the time as much as you may but i think all that will help
  
  i would still contact ur lawyer if you had one for the cusotdy on monday and see what he can do. i think bm's done enough damage in sd's life
  

  
  

• 
• by
  • SharoninKy
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 6:27 PM

• I feel like you got some good advice from the other ladies.  My dh has raised his daughter, I entered the pic when she was 8.  Her mother has been in and out of her life, always putting men and her needs before her daughters.  My dh would write the bio mom letters, talk to her, you name it telling her that needs to step up and be apart of dd life.  It didnt work.  Sd is now almost 18 and has real issues.  I feel that her mother was in her life just enough to cause havoc and drama and to be a negative influence.  We now wish we had done things differently, and not tried to make her be the mother she wasnt or could ever be.  We feel my sd self esteem has really suffered because of all of this.  The honest truth is, we do the best we can and follow our hearts when raising our children and sometimes even that isnt enough, in our case it wasnt.  Your ss is young, you be the mother he needs and deserves.  Dont push her to be the mother she isn't, it wont happen.  Its like trying to put a square peg itno a round hole. :)  Never talk badly about her to her son.  Never say she is going to visit until she is there.  The best thing for that child is 1.) a miricle and she does a 360 and changes into the mother he deserves, or 2.) you all never hear from her again.  Good luck momma, you sound like a loving mom.

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