Help! My MIL is ruining my marriage!

Replies:

• 
• by
  • azn_ladie82
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 7:59 PM

• If she doesn't want to come to your house sober and wants to take the kids to her place- that's a big NO. I wouldn't trust people like that. If she doesn't like you..oh well!
  

  
  

   Are you a proud preemie mom of a NICUGRADUATE? Click on my NICU blinkie to meet other moms of preemies just like you.

• 
• by
  • mommam58122
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 8:05 PM

• 
  

  Quoting I_got_curves:
  
  

  IF it came down to it i would tell him it was either the kids and your marriage or his mother, if he chooses his mother then in a last attempt i would suggest counceling and have him read "toxic in-laws", if all else fails, divorce and file for custody with no visitations with GMa.

  I know this sounds harsh but im sure your a great mother who would not endanger your childrens lives or mental health at the expence of your marriage. When it comes down to it, it's about whats best for your chilren.

  Quick story- my mom is an alcololic and when my DD was 13 months old she wanted to keep my DD for the weekend, i was obviously scared but my mom swore she had not been drinking in a while so i digressed and let her take DD.

  Well my mom had some wine and then decided to take my DD for a walk to the mall on a busy street.

  WHile my mom was crossing she did not see the car and my DD and her were hit, My DD's stroller was crushed.

  They both survived by some miracle but she was never allowed alone with her again, my dd is now 5 and has never been alone with her gma since.

  OMG THANK GOD YOUR DD IS ALRIGHT WELL BOTH OF THEM BUT ESCPICALLY YOUR DD SINCE HER STROLLER WAS CRUSHED I WOULDNT BE LETTING MY MOM SEE HER AT ALL IF THAT WAS ME
  

              

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  
  

   Follow me join my groups No Backing down momma's and if you are a military spouse come offer your support at the silent ranks

• 
• by
  • JenniferLeh
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 8:05 PM

• 
   

  Quote:
  
  HE is allowing her to ruin your marriage. He is making his druggie alcoholic mother more important than his wife.

  
  It's called enabling. Very common behavior of children and spouses close to alcoholics. *THEY* don't see it b ecause they don't WANT to see it. HE needs to go to counseling about this and see for himself her behavior is unhealthy destructive behavior. And it's toxic to your children.

  

• 
• by
  • dre_bunny
  on Jul. 4, 2009 at 8:12 PM

•  Stand your ground. Leave if you have to... he will realize he is wrong. Tell him if he lets his mother take the kids you WILL call the cops. You have the right to be concerned... not only is it your right.. but you also are RIGHT to care about worried. I did the same thing when Dh's parents thought they could take my 2 year old to the store (or anywhere for that matter) without a seat. Just toss him in the back seat. Dh didn't see anything wrong with it. We got into a big ass fight at his parents and I told him I was calling the cops... I didn't talk to him for about a week, but he figured out I was right. His parents haven't taken him anywhere since. They know better because I also told them that I will not allow it cuz it's illegal.

• 
• by
  • Proudmumof2
  on Jul. 5, 2009 at 8:39 AM

• Well, at least I know I'm not crazy...lol. He wants to be able to take them to see her without me and I told him no because he enables her and I can't trust him to leave if she's drinking or to not allow her to be alone with them. That's a horrible feeling to have, for sure. I want to trust him - but I've seen proof that I can't when it comes to this. I told him in the very beginning, that if we ever ended, she would be the reason. I'd truly hate to be right about this...*sigh*
  

  Quoting fallnangel93:
  
  

  Yeah...I wouldnt be letting my kids go with her! My dad is an alcoholic, and for three years I have let him see the girls when I was there with them...then he did something unforgivable last weekend and he is cut out of their lives forever.

  Anyway...you dont want her to take them and something happen...I would go with your gut instinct and not let her take them...no matter what your dh says!
  

  
  

• 
• by
  • Proudmumof2
  on Jul. 5, 2009 at 8:41 AM

• Growing up with it, or not, you would think that at some point common sense would kick in, wouldn't you? Especially when it comes to his children? Or am I just being naive?
  

  Quoting luvmyparties:
  
  

  My kids do not go with anybody that cannot stay sober for their sake (if only for an hour KWIM?) I am sorry you are going through this. It is odd that your hubby is ok with her taking them knowing that she isn't sober. Of course if that is the life he grew up in it is not shocking to him I guess. I would think that if he grew up like that he would be more inclined to keep them from people that have a problem.

  
  

• 
• by
  • Proudmumof2
  on Jul. 5, 2009 at 8:45 AM

• OMG! I can't imagine! But...therein lies part of my problem. We were at a family function one time and MIL had been drinking, of course, and was going to drive to the store (about 5 minutes away) to get some more beer. She looked at dh and asked if she could take ds. Dh said, sure. I took dh aside and told him, in no uncertain terms, that she COULD NOT take MY SON anywhere when she had been drinking! There's also the time that she came to our home to babysit for an hour while dh picked me up from work one morning (around 6am) and we came home to find 3 empty beer bottles on the dryer in the porch - 1HOUR! It just doesn't stop. We've asked her to not bring alcohol when she comes to visit, and that lasts a day, if we're lucky, and then she shows up with it again. I just don't know how much more I can take...
  

  Quoting I_got_curves:
  
  

  IF it came down to it i would tell him it was either the kids and your marriage or his mother, if he chooses his mother then in a last attempt i would suggest counceling and have him read "toxic in-laws", if all else fails, divorce and file for custody with no visitations with GMa.

  I know this sounds harsh but im sure your a great mother who would not endanger your childrens lives or mental health at the expence of your marriage. When it comes down to it, it's about whats best for your chilren.

  Quick story- my mom is an alcololic and when my DD was 13 months old she wanted to keep my DD for the weekend, i was obviously scared but my mom swore she had not been drinking in a while so i digressed and let her take DD.

  Well my mom had some wine and then decided to take my DD for a walk to the mall on a busy street.

  WHile my mom was crossing she did not see the car and my DD and her were hit, My DD's stroller was crushed.

  They both survived by some miracle but she was never allowed alone with her again, my dd is now 5 and has never been alone with her gma since.

  
  

• 
• by
  • Proudmumof2
  on Jul. 5, 2009 at 8:51 AM

• I know exactly what you're saying! We weren't talking to her for a couple of months. Long story short - she had sent me emails and messages on facebook and MSN telling me that my children were better off without me and that I should leave like my mother had left, etc. So we had cut off all contact. Then, one day, BIL decides to get involved. He invites dh to dinner and ambushes him with MIL and that's the night we had our fight. It's like in one evening she made him see things from her point of view. I couldn't believe it! Now, I'm fighting for my children's safety and my marriage! I tried telling him that for the couple of months without her in our lives that we were happy. But it doesn't seem to help. I just don't know how to make him SEE.
  

  Quoting LuvmySFSGT:
  
  

  Your MIL is not ruining your marriage....your husband is.

  HE is allowing her to ruin your marriage. He is making his druggie alcoholic mother more important than his wife.

  HE has to change. I cant believe he would allow this. I got the furthest I could away from my Mother....and she has never met my husband...or my child. I haven't talked to her in 5 or 6 years.

  
  

• 
• by
  • jesuslives878
  on Jul. 5, 2009 at 8:59 AM

• If you and your husband could be in agreement, and confront her with the fact that she has a serious problem and needs help, cant be alone with the grandchild until she gets it and can't come to your home drinking, or bring alcohol; she might wake up and get help; if not at least you would have set limits regarding your home and famil;y. I am arecovered alcoholic, and I can say that AA is  a wonderful program. God used it to help me get sober and eventually after a few years of sobriety, I was able to see my real need of God. I pray you will be able to have a happy marriage and that your husband will wake up and see that you and the kids are his immediate family now. Mil is evidently controlling him, it's time for him to grow up and put his family first.
  

• 
• by
  • Proudmumof2
  on Jul. 5, 2009 at 9:03 AM

• I appreciate what you're saying, but we've tried it. The problem is she doesn't think she has a problem. Isn't that the first step for AA?
  

  Quoting jesuslives878:
  
  

  If you and your husband could be in agreement, and confront her with the fact that she has a serious problem and needs help, cant be alone with the grandchild until she gets it and can't come to your home drinking, or bring alcohol; she might wake up and get help; if not at least you would have set limits regarding your home and famil;y. I am arecovered alcoholic, and I can say that AA is  a wonderful program. God used it to help me get sober and eventually after a few years of sobriety, I was able to see my real need of God. I pray you will be able to have a happy marriage and that your husband will wake up and see that you and the kids are his immediate family now. Mil is evidently controlling him, it's time for him to grow up and put his family first.

  
  

Only group members can reply to this post.

Join Group