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opinions needed, please...

Posted by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 4:02 AM
  • 14 Replies
So, we're planning a trip to texas in november. I'm excited because I haven't been there since I was 13! And, I am thinking of visiting my dad in mexico while we're down there. I haven't seen him since I was 10 yrs old. My dad, was/is an alcoholic and drug dealer/user. He used to beat up my mom till she would faint and I saw everything! I saw and heard things that as a lil girl, I shouldn't of. Its been really hard to move on and forget about everything. Since the last time that I've seen him, he's written once. ONCE! My gma never changed her number incase one day he wanted to contact me and my brother. All this time and never once got a phone call. No letters, nothing! There's been some really tough times where I needed him and he was never there. For my wedding, he wasn't there, when I had my son he wasn't there. Never was he there for me! Very important times in a girls life, right? So now, he's sick. He's having problems with his heart. Now, he decides to call me. NOW?!? Why now? I am so angry at him. I want nothing to do with him. I don't care about him, I've come to realize that I don't need him. To me, I don't have a dad. He's just a memory that for the past idk how many years has been fading away and now that I'm finally getting over whatever happened in the past, he calls. I'm having a lot of mixed feelings about going to visit. I don't want any explanations as to why he never wrote or called. I just want to be able to say hi and bye. My family says that whatever happened between him and my mother is their business, but I'm sorry, when a child sees all the beating their mother went thru, all the black eyes and bruises everywhere, missing hair from him pulling it out, that becomes my business as well. I've been very tramatized by all this and I just can't forgive him for it. I want to, but I can't. Everyone tells me I shouldn't hold a grudge, that afterall, he's still my father. Maybe they're right. I'm so confused about all this. Idk what to do. I don't want to confront him at all. All I want is to be able to see him and reunite. What would you all do? Visit him or no? Please, I need all of your opinions on this. Thnx!
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 4:02 AM
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Replies (1-10):
TheSinFamily
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 4:09 AM

IMO he doesn't even deserve the title "father" you are giving him. I don't see anything good coming from a visit after all this time, especially being on his deathbed and all. Continue on with your happy life and wonderful family, and leave him in the past where he belongs. . . .

Momo4512
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 4:11 AM

I would probably visit him. I know that he should have been there for  in the times when u needed him the most. but he needs his baby now. and maybe hes a different man. maybe he wants to meet his grandson. There could be a lot going thru his head, and I know there is a lot going thru urs as well. I can teel u this if u decide not to visit him, and this heart problem he has end his life, u will look back and more than likely regret not giving him this one last opportunity.

but thats just my opinion, I have never had to deal with this yet. But will sometime but with me its my mom thats the estranged one. good luck, make the best decision, follow ur heart

roxy85
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 4:16 AM

My father left when I was 2yo. At thirteen I found him, started to visit him again, and then he took himself out of my life again. If he decided to contact me from his death bed I would most definitely go see him. To show him the amazing daughter he missed out on and the locing family he could have had. Then I'd ask him if I was gaining an inheritance from him (he's a multimillionaire). If he said no then I'd tell him I guess our visit is done, have a nice death, maybe smack him once or twice, smack his wife, and leave. It would give me the closure I've always wanted for him to know that I didn't miss anything in my life because he's a coward...


Proud Army Wife and Former Soldier...

baby development

 

Momo4512
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 4:20 AM

Very well said!!!!

Quoting roxy85:

My father left when I was 2yo. At thirteen I found him, started to visit him again, and then he took himself out of my life again. If he decided to contact me from his death bed I would most definitely go see him. To show him the amazing daughter he missed out on and the locing family he could have had. Then I'd ask him if I was gaining an inheritance from him (he's a multimillionaire). If he said no then I'd tell him I guess our visit is done, have a nice death, maybe smack him once or twice, smack his wife, and leave. It would give me the closure I've always wanted for him to know that I didn't miss anything in my life because he's a coward...


crysjuls
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 4:38 AM
I never had the intentions of ever visiting him. I have so much anger, that I don't care if he dies tomorrow. I know that really mean of me to say, but damn all the shit I've seen and been thru because of him, just pisses me off. Those yrs when we were all together as a "family" were the worst! idk if I really can go thru with it.
Quoting TheSinFamily:

IMO he doesn't even deserve the title "father" you are giving him. I don't see anything good coming from a visit after all this time, especially being on his deathbed and all. Continue on with your happy life and wonderful family, and leave him in the past where he belongs. . . .


crysjuls
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 4:45 AM
Yea, I prolly will regret it if I never visite him. I honestly don't want anything to do with him. I'm doing this for him, for his peace of mind. There's a lot of things that I want to get off my chest, a lot of things that I want to confront him about, but I won't. And I'm not.its just so hard!!!
Quoting Momo4512:

I would probably visit him. I know that he should have been there forĀ  in the times when u needed him the most. but he needs his baby now. and maybe hes a different man. maybe he wants to meet his grandson. There could be a lot going thru his head, and I know there is a lot going thru urs as well. I can teel u this if u decide not to visit him, and this heart problem he has end his life, u will look back and more than likely regret not giving him this one last opportunity.

but thats just my opinion, I have never had to deal with this yet. But will sometime but with me its my mom thats the estranged one. good luck, make the best decision, follow ur heart


sadeyez11
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 4:50 AM

my father left before i turned two. and the only thing i remember about him is a dream that i have at least once a month. mom said it was true. in that dream he threw a big ass fisher stereo at my mom right in front of me and my twin sister and our older brother. i talked to him once when i was 5 and he promised me a bike for my 6th birthday, i never heard from him again and never got that bike. my mom went through hell trying to support us and take good care of us. well when i turned 19 i looked for him and found him. he is a broke ass alcoholic. i asked him to help me one day and he stopped talkign to me. then maybe 3months ago he called me and asked if it was true that i had an uncurable disease. i told him yes and why did he give a shit when he never cared all those years. he said because even though i wasnt there i thought of you and i love you and your sister. i havent forgiven him for leaving us but i have come to accept that he is my father. sometimes i wonder how i would feel if he were to die. would i cry or not. i dont know. i say visit your father and tell him you missed out on the best thing that ever happened to you and look now you will never know me. goodbye and so long. turn and walk away. thats that. i like the idea about the inheritance but i know it wont take away the pain you went through, if there is one, take the money and go. it is closure and you deserve at least that.

crysjuls
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 4:50 AM
That's the thing I'm worried about. I'm scared that if I let him into my life, he's just gonna leave again. :0( maybe I'm just being hard-headed. Idk. Uggh, I feel like smacking him, believe me!! Lol I guess the good thing is that I'll have the support of my husband to do this.
Quoting roxy85:

My father left when I was 2yo. At thirteen I found him, started to visit him again, and then he took himself out of my life again. If he decided to contact me from his death bed I would most definitely go see him. To show him the amazing daughter he missed out on and the locing family he could have had. Then I'd ask him if I was gaining an inheritance from him (he's a multimillionaire). If he said no then I'd tell him I guess our visit is done, have a nice death, maybe smack him once or twice, smack his wife, and leave. It would give me the closure I've always wanted for him to know that I didn't miss anything in my life because he's a coward...


hannahsmommy309
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 4:56 AM

I def dont agree with what people are telling you, that you shouldnt hold a grudge. You have every right to..there is no reason a child should have to see/hear what you had to go through. I am sorry.

Personally I think I would want to say hello and goodbye, however I would call or write in advance and say, I am not coming to have a family reunion, to start over, or to discuss the past. I would just like to come for a short visit to say hello, you can see my kids...as I wouldnt say grandkids cause he hasnt been there....and leave it at all. I think if you didnt go see him, if he was to pass away you would regret that even more and have another struggle to deal with.

Good luck and hope it all works out!

crysjuls
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 5:02 AM
Aww, I'm sorry bout ur dad. I remember once I told my dad I wanted a puppy. Sooo, he stole my aunt's neighbor's puppy and gave It to me. Lol You know, for as much as I hate him and I say that I don't care, I cry when I think of him. I tried and just push him outta my mind. My mind tires to block those memories I have with him, whether they were good or bad. But, once in awhile, outta nowhere I think of him and wonder what's going thru his mind. And I cry. But its always when I'm alone. Not even my husband knows I cry for him. When he called, he told me he loved me and he always thought about me and my brother and he started crying. I felt bad. I couldn't say anything in return. I just stayed quiet wanting to hang up on him, and for some reason I couldn't! Well, he has a few pieces of land in mexico, but I don't want nething from him. Like I said before, if I do go visit him its for his peace of mind.
Quoting sadeyez11:

my father left before i turned two. and the only thing i remember about him is a dream that i have at least once a month. mom said it was true. in that dream he threw a big ass fisher stereo at my mom right in front of me and my twin sister and our older brother. i talked to him once when i was 5 and he promised me a bike for my 6th birthday, i never heard from him again and never got that bike. my mom went through hell trying to support us and take good care of us. well when i turned 19 i looked for him and found him. he is a broke ass alcoholic. i asked him to help me one day and he stopped talkign to me. then maybe 3months ago he called me and asked if it was true that i had an uncurable disease. i told him yes and why did he give a shit when he never cared all those years. he said because even though i wasnt there i thought of you and i love you and your sister. i havent forgiven him for leaving us but i have come to accept that he is my father. sometimes i wonder how i would feel if he were to die. would i cry or not. i dont know. i say visit your father and tell him you missed out on the best thing that ever happened to you and look now you will never know me. goodbye and so long. turn and walk away. thats that. i like the idea about the inheritance but i know it wont take away the pain you went through, if there is one, take the money and go. it is closure and you deserve at least that.


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