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i tell my husband everything. advice? a little long.. i need some answers so bear with me please..

Posted by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 11:46 PM
  • 13 Replies
but i am sick of the same argument every time this happens..

my ex lost most of his family members, he doesnt know his dad, his little brother passed (atv accident), his mother passed while he was away for basic.. he has no one. and he used to have me as a friend that he could go to. BUT he is my ex husband, and as a married woman i cut ties with him regardless of how it made him feel. he tried texting a few times when i moved to florida with DH. he called once or twice as well. i let DH know each time, just out of respect. i mean, if his ex was calling him i would want to know about it, not have it hidden. so what gives me the right to hide these things from DH, kwim?

BUT every time he calls or texts or emails DH gets very upset because i say 'let me handle this..' and i explain to him why he can not contact me anymore. DH agrees that what i say is perfect, but he is sick of me having to repeat it all the time and wants to "tell him off" or cuss him out. and if he were trying to get back with me i would let DH get on to him about it. but he isnt. we were good friends for a long time before i even met DH. and i dont want him to think i dropped him over a guy, i want him to KNOW that i stopped talking to him on my own. it was my choice as a married woman. and i feel that DH yelling at him is just going to look as though i did it because DH told me to... am i making sense?

anyway, here is the point.. ex tried to add me on facebook today. i denied him. didnt say a word, he already knows why. and i plan on tellnig DH when he gets home from work, but im torn. i am 8 months pregnant and i just can not handle this argument again. especially not tonight. should i continue with the respect we have for eachother and tell him tonight even if we fight over it, or do you think i can wait til the morning, or tomorrow night even.. i just dont wanna argue over it anymore.

**for anyone who might ask.. DH is worried when he talks to me because he is a little insecure, and knows my past with this ex. he knows why we split etc and is just scared to lose me, hes explained it many times. but i have explained to him that i love him more than life and he still gets scared.. any advice on how to convince him of this is welcome too!**

by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 11:46 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mrsjedwards
by on Jul. 28, 2009 at 11:55 PM
ugh where can i post this and get *advice* i hate newcomers!
Kylie819
by Emerald Member on Jul. 29, 2009 at 12:02 AM

I think I would tell him.  If you don't and he ends up finding out somehow then his insecurities will be increased tenfold.   I think its great that you have kept him in the loop because you respect him....because I think a lot of people would NOT have told just because it's easier that way. 

As far as "fixing" his insecurities, there's no quick fix.  Just keep being honest and up front with him! 

RmeWifey01
by on Jul. 29, 2009 at 12:04 AM

Well, #1 you are doing the proper thing. #2 would he be calm about it if you made him a nice, candlelight dinner and told him tonight? If you think it wouldn't make a difference then maybe just wait until morning and pray he is not in the mood to carry it further. Otherwise idk what to say to help.

cdgoldilocks
by Gold Member on Jul. 29, 2009 at 12:08 AM

May I ask why your ex is an ex? I am just trying to figure out what kind of guy keeps trying to make contact after repeatedly being told not to do so.

I am not sure what is up with the insecurity with your husband, but you are a grown woman and should be allowed to handle these sort of issues without your dh's intervention. The exception would be if your safety was at risk.

Your actions should be enough to prove that you are trustworthy......unless you have done something in the past that makes him not be able to trust you.

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A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take everything you have. -Barry Goldwater

TLVS
by on Jul. 29, 2009 at 12:08 AM

I would tell my husband.  But, you are a stronger woman than me.  If my husband kept freaking out like that I would end up chewing him out for not trusting me.  I don't go for that crap about how they trust youbut not the guy or I am just insecure.  I feel my husband either trusts me or he doesn't and if he doesn't then we have a problem.  Good Luck to you!

shadylane85
by on Jul. 29, 2009 at 12:11 AM

 I think telling him now might prevent an even bigger argument later, especially if he's feeling insecure. Tell him you love being able to tell him everything, but you just don't want to argue with him. I've been in a similar situation (my ex and I were not married, but close friends for 10 years and dated briefly towards the end). When it bothered DH I told him not to contact me anymore and he kept on, so finally I did let DH talk to him but DH basically just said, look she's tired of hearing from you and asked me to answer her phone when you call so that she doesn't have to keep repeating herself.

Three years later, after my ex's daughter was sick and he called for support, my ex and I are friends again, with my husband's full support, but it did take years for DH to realize I'm not going anywhere. Good luck.


mrsjedwards
by on Jul. 29, 2009 at 12:13 AM
we split because we got married WAY too young and had no idea how to handle it. he deployed and we cracked under pressure. i think thats why DH worries so much about it, because we started to split for no reason.. he ended up cheating towards the end of our separation so that is what brought on the actual divorce. but DH just remembers the part about us calling it quits for really no reason. he thinks that if he never deployed we would have been fine. also, he tries to stay in contact im assuming because he has no one else. im not too sure.

and i havent dont anything to break our trust in the past, but his ex was a major whore. cheated on him all the time even with his best friends and they were together for soo much longer than ive even known him. so he says it will take a long time for him to believe a woman wouldnt do that to him again. which i understand. i just wish he would stop with the "let me talk to the mother fucker" type stuff. its not necessary imo.

maybe i should just let him talk to him and the arguments over this will stop? i need to stop feeling sorry for my ex, its not my fault he has no one. but its proving to be much easier said than done.


Quoting cdgoldilocks:

May I ask why your ex is an ex? I am just trying to figure out what kind of guy keeps trying to make contact after repeatedly being told not to do so.


I am not sure what is up with the insecurity with your husband, but you are a grown woman and should be allowed to handle these sort of issues without your dh's intervention. The exception would be if your safety was at risk.


Your actions should be enough to prove that you are trustworthy......unless you have done something in the past that makes him not be able to trust you.


mrsjedwards
by on Jul. 29, 2009 at 12:16 AM
this is perfect. i was thinking about just letting DH talk to him and see how it goes, and based on what youve said it seems like it may help a lot. i just dont want him to say anything silly. i worry if he can keep it on an adult level and not get childish. know what i mean?

Quoting shadylane85:

 I think telling him now might prevent an even bigger argument later, especially if he's feeling insecure. Tell him you love being able to tell him everything, but you just don't want to argue with him. I've been in a similar situation (my ex and I were not married, but close friends for 10 years and dated briefly towards the end). When it bothered DH I told him not to contact me anymore and he kept on, so finally I did let DH talk to him but DH basically just said, look she's tired of hearing from you and asked me to answer her phone when you call so that she doesn't have to keep repeating herself.


Three years later, after my ex's daughter was sick and he called for support, my ex and I are friends again, with my husband's full support, but it did take years for DH to realize I'm not going anywhere. Good luck.


kgsharber
by Gold Member on Jul. 29, 2009 at 12:25 AM

Wait a minute.....isn't your DH the one that keeps a relationship with his ex's family???? This seems a little bit of a double standard. He can keep ties, but you have to cut them?? Anyways, I would just not bother telling him. What would be the point? You already know what is going to happen, he will get pissed & then get over it.  

CBtatt_splash-1.gif picture by whisperingdragon

dusky_rose
by Sue on Jul. 29, 2009 at 12:25 AM

 To me, it sounds like your ex isn't getting the message. Do you have children with your ex? If not, maybe it would be better if you don't response to your ex at all. And if that doesn't work then maybe your DH should tell him to stop contacting you (if you can get him to do so in a respectful manner). I think if you allowed your DH to tell him that, that your DH would realize that he shouldn't be insecure about your relationship. That would also end these arguments that you have been having, of which I'm sure neither of you enjoy.

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