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Getting ready to breastfeed (How to)

Posted by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:06 AM
  • 15 Replies
Suck It! The REAL Way To Prep For Breastfeeding

Forget that old advice about "gently rubbing your nipples with a towel." If you really want to feel ready to nurse, here's what to do.

By Melissa Balmain, Parenting.com

Day 1
Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.

Day 2
At bedtime set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped by a pair of chip clips.

Day 3
Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty."

Day 4
Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.

Day 5
Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium pile." Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.

Day 6
Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, "Get used to it."

Day 7
Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.

Day 8
Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.

Day 9
Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play in an endless loop at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m.

Day 10
Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed and stand very still in your backyard.

Day 11
Go someplace public -- a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building -- and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.

Day 12
Suckle a wolverine.

Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe.

Melissa Balmain, a freelance writer living in Blacksburg, Virginia, is a two-baby nursing veteran.

by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:06 AM
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Replies (1-10):
krista778
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:11 AM

OMG!! That is too funny!

kdasgirl
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:14 AM

haha... extremely accurate. Where was this before I had DS?? XD

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mamaleah17
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:15 AM

Love it!!!bouncing

misssy2000
by Ruby Member on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:18 AM

funny!!!





cjsix
by faith on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:20 AM

breastfeedingThis is GREAT!!!laughingI nursed six,oh my this is hillarious!! So true i wish I had seen this when mine were still in arms. I've got to show this to my daughter,she's now nursing her 2nd little one!clappingIt's good that we can have a sence of humor when we are doing the best for our babies,even when it sometimes isn't the most convieniant or comfortable.LOL!

Susan0805
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:21 AM

Haha.... this is so true...at least when you first start nursing! But then it gets better

 patrioticProud Airforce Wife/Veteran

momof525
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:24 AM

OMGosh..some of my drink came out my nose on Day 5..LOL! Too funny :) 

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NJKL32107
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:24 AM

LOL!!! That is hilarious!!   rolling on floor


ConnorsMommy521
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:25 AM

I wish someone would have told me this before I gave birth, would have better prepared me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Momof0007
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:46 AM

too funny!  But you forgot one, if anyone has every had a clogged milk duct you'll know what i'm talking about when I say rub a strip of icy hot on your breast then proceed to take a very hot wash cloth and place over icy hot, to give it the extra burn and pain. 

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