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Best Divorce letter EVER (ADULT CONTENT)

Posted by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:24 AM
  • 28 Replies

Just in case you can't read it, this is what it says:

Dear Connie,

I know the councelor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.

The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again but that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.  Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.  In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me.  I guess my pride needed that.  But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things.  I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you.  I don't care about looking bad anymore.  I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.  Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt.

This is what my heart says:  "There's no one like you, Connie.  I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they are not you.  They're not even close. 

Two weeks ago I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me.  I don't say this to hurt you but, just to illustrate the depths of my desperation.  She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you.  I mean, just a perfect body.  Tits like you couldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit.  Every man's dream, right?

As I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at this stuff we've made important in our lives.  It's all so superficial.  What does a perfect body mean?  Does it make her better in bed?  Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at.  Does it make her a better person?  Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie?  I doubt it.  And I'd never really thought of that before.  I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?"  It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else.  Some nagging feeling of loss.  Why did it feel so incomplete?  And then it hit me.  It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch.  Do you know what I mean?  Nothing feels the same without you.  Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you.  And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn Lounge last year?  Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna.  She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around.  I didn't know what she meant til later, but that's not the real story.  Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom.  And this tart's a total monster in the sack.  She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us.  And all of a sudden, she spots the tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity.  So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves.  And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too, because I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor?  We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister dropped by with my copy of the restraining order.  I mean, Vicki's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.  She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general.  She's pulling for us to get back together.  Connie, she really is.

So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times.  Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do it think of how much she looked like you when you were 18.  and that just about makes me cry.  And then it turns out Vicki's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us.  But do you see how even then, when I'm trusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do it think of you?  It's true, Connie.  In your heart you must know it.  Don't you think we could start over?  Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh?  I think we can.  If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is?

Love, Dan

OMG!!!  I know it's funny and all, but how pissed would you be if you got this from your soon-to-be EX-husband???  LMAO!

by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:24 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MOMby19
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:30 AM

rolling on floor 

i can see SO writing something like that an actually expecting it to make everything better.

 




I am PROUD:
the proud mommy to Anthony Marcus (9/19/07) and Ashley Ryan (8/1/09)
the proud fiance to Collin Spencer
the proud housekeeper of a 2 bedroom tri-plex


I am Tamara Marie and I'm proud of my life!

NIKopotamous
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:34 AM

That's either a guy who is totally effed up in the head, or someone who REALLY wants his remote back.  LMAO.

Chibi_Kitten
by Bronze Member on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:38 AM

I agree!!! LMAO!! Thanks for the laugh!!!

Quoting NIKopotamous:

That's either a guy who is totally effed up in the head, or someone who REALLY wants his remote back.  LMAO.


2boys_1girl
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:38 AM

I would SO take that to the judge!

Alishia655
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:40 AM

Lol   That was funny!!laughing

NIKopotamous
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:44 AM

LMAO, ME TOO!

Quoting 2boys_1girl:

I would SO take that to the judge!


Jennifer63080
by Platinum Member on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:48 AM
Quoting MOMby19:

rolling on floor 

i can see SO writing something like that an actually expecting it to make everything better.

ditto


hautemama83
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 12:57 AM

Wow, whatta perv lmao

Chibi_Kitten
by Bronze Member on Aug. 12, 2009 at 1:45 AM

I had my hubby read this... He laughed then said "Yeah, I'd want to know where the fucking remote is too." 

NIKopotamous
by on Aug. 12, 2009 at 1:47 PM

BUMP for AM giggles.  :)

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