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Having a Really Hard Night... [opening up]

Posted by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 2:29 AM
  • 17 Replies

On June 5th 2009 I went to work feeling just fine.. Like I always did. I was 21 weeks along 2 days from being 22 weeks! I felt fine, nothing out of the ordinary. Work went smooth and I got off went home and slept. The next morning I woke up to our son elbowing me, still feeling good. I got up to go to the bathroom and as soon as I tried to go I felt like the baby was going to just fall out. I knew something was wrong by that point when I could feel the amniotic sac coming out! We rushed to the ER where they quickly admitted me to a room and got me signed in. The doctor on call came into the room to check and see if I was in labor and to my surprise I was 6cm diolated. The doctor told us about how our son's lungs were not developed enough to live outside of the womb and that if he came out he would die.. Then he stated "that we should just have the thing and get it over with." By that point both Dustin [my hubby] and I were quite upset and wanted to do whatever we could to get rid of this doctor and keep our son alive. One of the nurses was quite upset with what the doctor had told us and called in my doctor [thank goodness].. My doctor told us that if our son could stay in there for even 2 more weeks he would have a 10% chance at living instead of a 0% chance at living. That was our goal 2 weeks, and we were determined to make it! We got through the 6th, and the 7th.. Things seemed to be looking up because my contractions had gotten as far apart as 30 to 40 minutes... Not terrible at all! Also, Elias was so far up in the womb that they didn't think he would have been sliding down anytime soon. They could finally figure out at this point how long I had been in labor... A whole week without even knowing. How is that even possible? I went to sleep on the 7th and woke on the 8th with terrible pains... My doctor came in to check and see if my diolation had gone below a 6 at all and there was my son practically waving at the doctor. He then told us that we had to have this baby now or it would cause immense harm to not only the baby but to me also! He got ready and I tried to prepare myself for what was about to happen. It was too late to get any sort of medication so I had to deliver naturally [which isn't a huge deal to me because I have a high pain tollerance].. I started to push and my contractions had stopped so it was just me pushing all on my own.. With my husband by my side I pushed our sons arm out first [he came out sideways. Minutes later not even 5 minutes our son was born at 12:22pm... The nurse quickly cleaned him off and wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me. Dustin came and leaned over the bed and we cried with our son... We told him how sorry we were that there wasn't anything else we could do, we loved him, and that he would always be our little tato bug. At 12:36pm he smiled at us, and at 12:37pm he died.. It's been almost 3 months now and I can't help but miss him so much tonight. I just back from being away for a month and tonight he went back to work. He works overnights so I sleep alone... I feel so alone, and I just miss them both so much. I do apologize if it was too much detail..

Help arrest Prematurity
and bail me out of jail
http://jailandbail.marchofdimes.com/IvyB
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 2:29 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Mrs.DB
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 2:32 AM

I have been taking it day by day because that really is all that you can do. The hurt I feel with never stop but it will get easier as time goes on... This hole I have in my heart will never be filled, and I don't ever want it to! I miss my hubby, I miss my son, and tonight I just feel alone!!

Help arrest Prematurity
and bail me out of jail
http://jailandbail.marchofdimes.com/IvyB
Vampee_Mom
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 2:33 AM

I am so very incredibly sorry.. My heart breaks reading what you went through.

hugging

KatherineM
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 2:34 AM

I am so sorry that you are going through this. HUGS to you and your Family.




mommyto2boys99
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 2:34 AM

I am so unbelievably sorry for what you have gone through. I wish I had some magic words to make it all better, but I know there is nothing that can be done. You will be better in your own time, and in your own way. Your precious baby is in heaven now watching over you and your family. ::hugs::

Mrs.DB
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 2:38 AM

Like I said... Tonight is just a lonely night. They happen! We are however trying to have another and think that we might have done it :D So not everything is sad... I just miss my son a lot tonight. I would like for everyone involved in these groups to understand why I don't post pictures of my children. Just because my son is gone does not mean I am not a mother anymore.

Help arrest Prematurity
and bail me out of jail
http://jailandbail.marchofdimes.com/IvyB
katielovemyboys
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 2:43 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. Your story is heartbreaking! May God hold your angel close to His heart. God bless you!






Katie~

CarlaD
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 2:44 AM

I'm sorry you are going through this.  The anniversary of my loss is coming up on Sept 11th.  It will be 7 years. I have 3 healthy, beautiful children, but it has not lessened that loss at all.  I still correct people when they say 3 kids.  Time helps heal but it is always with me.  I have learned to look for the positive in it and I see that it made me realize exactly how precious life really is. I hope tomorrow night is better for you!


dusky_rose
by Sue on Aug. 25, 2009 at 2:49 AM

 I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine going through that. Hugs to you! Is it possible that your DH could work another shift? I know that when my dh worked nights it was so hard to sleep alone and it sounds like you need him by your side most then. Maybe you can ask him about it? Grieving is a hard thing, you need each other to comfort one another. Both my dh and I have lost our mothers and I my father as well. Not saying that to compare to losing a child, I know that nothing can compare to that. If you want to talk send me a message.

mrsmac07
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 2:49 AM

so sorry for ur loss

LuvmySFSGT
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 2:55 AM

This story made me cry.

As the mother of a preemie who almost passed I can relate to some of the way you feel. Just reading your story brings back how frightening it was when I had my daughter...

I cant begin to understand how hard it is to see your baby pass away...I know how hard it was just to watch my daughter stop breathing...but she came back every time...and I still 2 years later have nightmares about those moments.

I am so very sorry this happened to you...Nothing I can say is really coming out right...so I am just going to stop...but if you ever need to talk you can PM me.

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