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Why is it harder to be a step mom than a mom?

Posted by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 11:09 PM
  • 10 Replies
I have 2 boys plus im expecting my 3rd in about 4 weeks! I also have a 5 year old step son! To me it feels harder to be a step mom than a mom i feel like i have to earn step sons love where with my other kids they already love me! He also doesnt listen to me which makes it harder im tryin my best where he is concerned! I do love him but it is a different kind of love than what i have for my childern! I try not to treat him any different but i find my self being a lil stricker with him! An i dont understand why i do this! He upsets me because he tells me all the time your not my mom i dont have to listen to you! I tell him i love him an he wont say it back! I dont know what to do ive tried talkin to my hubby about this but he gets mad an says things like u dont love him u dont want anything to do with him! Which is not true! I just dont know what to do anyone have any ideas?
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 11:09 PM
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Replies (1-10):
KreatingMe
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 11:12 PM

 How old is he ? Why do you feel he should say he loves you back? I don't think you should try to force a relationship with him. When he says you're not my mom, tell him, you know that, he already has a good mommy ( even if she's not so great) but you hope that he and you can learn to get a long.

msmoody
by Ruby Member on Aug. 25, 2009 at 11:12 PM

My advice, after having a step-child for over 16 years? Stop trying so hard. He's five, he barely understands life at this point. In his head, he already has a mommy...why on Earth would he need another? Just try to treat him the same, and let things happen naturally.

And please don't get upset when he doesn't say I love you. That happens. 

2boys_1girl
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 11:15 PM

He is 5 and his daddy has kids who live with him... Who get his attention. And it is your fault. And now you are bringing a new baby into the mix. Just another kid that gets to be with daddy all the time...

Of course, he isn't ready to love you or obey you.

You are the adult, and you just have to make sure you truly treat the kids fairly, and maybe even let DH give him extra special attention when he comes to visit. DH is with your kids everyday (I assume) and this kid only gets a little bit at a time (once again assuming).

Luna091306
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 11:16 PM

How old was he when you came into the picture?

I got lucky. My ss was 11 months so he has really never know any different. Still it is harder. I tend to loose my temper easier and have less patience with him. 

The number one thing that helped me begin to really develop a good relationship with him was realizing it isn't going to come natural and it will take time. It just has to develop on it's own. It can not be forced. Don't feel that you have to feel a certain way because you don't. I know a lot of people say you should love them as your own and feel this and that but that is totally unrealistic. Allow a unique relationship with him. Don't compare the relationship you have with him to those you have with your own children. Once the pressure is off and expectations are off the table things can develop naturally.


"Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings, who don't have all the answers, to think they do."

BewitchedKisses
by Silver Member on Aug. 25, 2009 at 11:17 PM

I'm a stepmom to three boys ages 7, 6 and 4. The boys are wonderful kids for the most part.

They will not listen to me. Tell me I'm not their mom and that they don't love me. I don't let it hurt my feelings. They don't hate me. They like me. They just don't love me yet. I've been in their lives for almost two years now and it's still hard. I like the kids, but they are not my own. I had a hard enough time trying to bond with my own kids, let alone someone elses. I couldn't imagine trying to force a bond there. Let your stepson come to you on his own time. Don't force a relationship there and do not force your presence down his throat. He may grow up resenting you for that. Give him his space. He is five and his parents aren't together. It's hard to understand and deal with at that age.

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isra1986
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 11:18 PM

I know with my Step kids, they loved me right away, but they loved me so much they wanted to call me Momma Isra!!!!! Yikes!
Totally disrespectful to their mom, she has done all the work carrying them and raisig them to be what they are today. I don't want to take that from her! So either way, it's hard to be a step mom. You have to walk on eggshells sometimes!

ramadan mubarak

naughtyprincess
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 11:20 PM

From very early on I let sd know that I will always love her... But I do not want to be her "mommy" I can be her friend.... I do have to act like a mommy because she lives with me and daddy... And we have to have rules so everyone can stay safe... I encourage her to talk about her mommy ( even though that "woman" pisses me off to no end) and I like to spend one on one time with her like she is one of my own... Its hard because I do expect the same level of respect from her as I do with my own kids... She does test me all the time.. But SO and I figured out that she does this to see if I really do care... ( her mom abandoned her at 1 and then re appeared in her life when she heard I was helping SO and that the first thing sd called me was mommy...) Sd is just trying to see if Ill leave like her mommy did.... Shes 5.... 




You've gotta live every single day,Like it's the only one, what if tomorrow never comes?Don't let it slip away,
Could be our only one, you know it's only just begun.Every single day,Maybe our only one, what if tomorrow never comes?
~~~~ Nickleback "If Today Was Your Last Day"

mommyof2boysmd
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 11:30 PM
To make a correction my hubby is my kids is dad i was there before step son was born! An step son has a step daddy that he actually listens to his mom also has kids by other man too!
2boys_1girl
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 11:33 PM


Quoting mommyof2boysmd:

To make a correction my hubby is my kids is dad i was there before step son was born! An step son has a step daddy that he actually listens to his mom also has kids by other man too!


Edited my reply with this new info.

Alishia655
by on Aug. 25, 2009 at 11:38 PM

I have two step boys and a little one on the way. Their mom is also pregnant...due before me. We have our arguments and their mom doesnt like me. (She wants SO back) but i have been here for two years. I try to talk to them and play, but it takes time. A few nights ago I heard this from their room. "I'm telling Alishia"  and the other one said "Go ahead, you know she cant do anything to me" they also get told by their mom to not be nice to me. Its hard, but it takes time and maturity from both parts, so it probably wont come until later teen years.  sorry i couldnt help more.

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