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If you do NOT agree with porn... Advice Please!!

Posted by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 10:00 PM
  • 15 Replies

ok so first.. if you do agree with porn please dont respond since it wont help me :) I need advice from people who have the same beliefs as I do about the subject... thank you sooooo much!!! :)

so when I married my husband I committed myself to him fully.. he was my everything.. one of the reasons I loved him so much is the fact hes different from most guys.. he was a virgin, was never into porn, would never cheat on me... he was just never into any of that.. a very faithful man and Christian... well I trusted my husband fully.. he was my best friend and I loved him with all my heart...

anyway, a few years ago I found some websites that had recently been viewed.. porn.. ok so I asked him about it and he said he had taken his computer to work and had it in the back.. someone must have used it.. ok so I said whatever, I believed him, hes my husband I trust him.. so ever since then the history was deleted every time after he used the computer.. odd but ok? he said it helped the computer work faster or something? ok weird but ok I trust him... so then a while later Im going through his phone.. porn on there.. wow.. ok so he had some explanation for that.. wasnt him again, hes not like that.. would never do that to me.. trust him he tells me.. ok so we get a new computer and, once again, porn shows up... and probably a year later.. another new computer.. more porn.. more excuses.. not him, I have to trust him, believe him hes my husband he keeps telling me he would never lie to me and all that jazz... so I try so hard in my mind to make up excuses for him.. this cant be happening.. hes NOT like that.. hes NOT the type of person that would ever be into that crap.. other men are but not MINE...

SOOOOO fastforward to the other day... I bring it up because its been bugging me for years.. takes me hours but I finally get out of him that yes, he was very into porn... looked at it all the time.. through my pregnancies... all the way up to when we found out my daughter was a girl *about a year and a half ago*.... WOW... HUGE shock to me!! again I truley believed he was not like that ... he would NEVER do that to me.. EVER... and now Im just so shook up about this.. so in shock and hurt.. I feel betrayed.. angry... sickened that he would do such a thing!!.. I have sooooo many emotions going through my head right now... he knows he is not suppose to *lust* over another woman... which is exactly what he was doing! to MANY women.. over and over.. for years.... oh my this is just too much for me!!!

Ok so I dont know what to do now.. I can forgive but Im still hurt.. still have many emotions I am trying to straighten out.. I mean he did this for so long and lied to me for so long... what do I do ladies??  I am soooo hurt... I dont know.. I just need a shoulder to cry on....

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Im a Married(to an AMAZING man), Breastfeeding, Former Formula-Feeding, Selective-Vaccine Giving, Pro-Life, Circumcizing, Co-Sleeping, Non-Judging, Jesus Loving, Stay at home Christian Mommy of 3 BEAUTIFUL wonderful amazing children!! :)
by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 10:00 PM
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Replies (1-10):
AidersMommy
by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 10:12 PM

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.. I wish I had some real advice, but I just know I could never really trust my husband again... I so wish for you that he had been faithful in his heart your entire marriage. Do you think he may still do it? Sometimes, it feels better to tell half of the truth, if he felt like it was so long ago that he couldn't get in trouble for it now... Again, I'm so sorry. This must hurt like crazy.

tweildoug
by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 10:20 PM

Chica I am so sorry. I dont know what it is about men and porn. Maybe you should sit him down and explain how his lying and hiding has made you feel and that though you can forgive your trust has been shaken in him. Also explain to him straight up how you feel about porn.

To me porn is the equivilent of cheating when you are in a relationship (unless both parties are okay with it) DF has tried to pull this on me but I stand up for my self and say its either me or that. Make it very clear that it is unacceptable to you and the next time you find it you will leave for an undeisclosed amount of time. That'll accomplish one of two things, he'll try to hide it and you will know he cannot be trusted or he will realize what an idiot he is and turn himself around.

Another thing when talking about what you feel say "I don't need to watch another mans penis because I am satisfied by you so what you are telling me is that you no longer find me attractive/ sexy/ ect." maybe he doesn't really realize what he is doing to you and that may help put it into perspective.



hope that helps!

HungarianQueen
by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 10:35 PM

Sorry momma. A lot of times it becomes a routine for men which they have a hard time putting a stop to. Its easy, abundant, and a quick jack off to whatever they are in the mood for. I hate it. I don't agree with men in relationships doing it.. but its hard to stop. Most men will do it whether or not their SO agrees... They are good at hiding it and assume that we "just don't understand bc its a guy thing." I too have a man who looks at porn.. he tries to hide it but I know he does it and it hurts.. we've had lots of fights over it and how I'm never going to get it. Mine likes to compare it to the food network channel.. yes, thats right, the food network channel.. he says "If every time food came on the screen and I said 'thats so wrong. Don't watch that. Ew." You'd think I hated food.. so when you see sex and the tv/computer and say those things it makes me think you hate sex. Its a completely different thing to us and that makes no sense but to men porn is not a big deal. I wish I could help more rather than only being able to identify with what you are going through, but I can only give support. I hope you can convince your man to quit watching it or come to terms with it. Personally, I have not been able to do either in years and its painful and sad and I am doing my best to reason with the situation bc I really love my SO and I know he loves me (even more than porn).

-P.S- My biggest problem with porn beside the obvious, hes looking at other women in a sexual way, is the way it makes me feel about him... I don't want to kiss him or sleep by him or even look at him if I know hes been doing it.. he becomes gross to me and I am disgusted with him which I REALLY hate feeling that way about him.

Also, Your man has an Iphone doesn't he? As soon as you said you found it on the phone I figured he did.. those are like little porn machines.. My man likes to dissappear into the bathroom with his for 15 minutes and I always wonder if hes in there watching it. Its horrible.

AidersMommy
by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 10:42 PM

Bump

CaneWife
by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 10:42 PM

So he was into porn before he married you, too?

While I personally don't have a problem with porn, I have a huge problem with people who commit to something and are found to be lying about that commitment. It sounds like this was a topic you discussed in your relationship, and it sounds like he wasn't honest with you. For you, this must be a huge betrayal - after all it's like everything you have has been built on lies.

I recommend counseling. I'm not saying it will definitely help, but hopefully, your DH will see how he has hurt you and will reaffirm the commitment he made to you. The one where he was porn-free.

Best of luck.


TheresaMomof9
by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 10:44 PM

oh honey, I'm so sorry! {{hugs}} First, don't blame yourself. This is not something you *did* or *drove him to*. Second, please know that many good Christian men have fallen into this weakness. Some say that God allows this fall because it is one of weakness instead of pride, which is worse. At any rate, I'm sure your heart is breaking.

Please look into these books, which have helped many---

EveryMan's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation 

http://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Battle-Winning-Temptation/dp/0307457974/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252377575&sr=8-2

Hope After Betrayal

http://www.amazon.com/Hope-After-Betrayal-Addiction-Marriage/dp/0825439353/ref=pd_sim_b_12

and one wife's journey and advice:

An Affair of the Mind

http://www.amazon.com/Affair-Mind-Laurie-Hall/dp/1561794643/ref=pd_sim_b_26

Your husband is not a bad man. He is weak, as we all are. I'll pray for the renewal of your marriage and for courage, strength and healing!

God bless you!!

 

 

KrystalY
by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 10:47 PM

I agree with the PP, go talk to somebody.  Preferably in you church.  Get him to go if he will but if he won't, go by yourself.  It may be something relatively innocent that he does time to time (totally not justifying by the way) or, it might be something much worse up to and including an addiction.  The fact that he has lied about it for years means it is a problem either way.  You need some emotional support right now, you shouldn't have to deal with this by yourself.  Good luck!  As hard as this gets, remember to always put you and your child first. 

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jella31
by Angela on Sep. 7, 2009 at 10:54 PM

i completley agree with you and  know how u feel. my so doesnt do it often(or maybe he just became better at hiding it)but when he does and i find out its like someone punched me in the stomach.i hate hate hate it. but he says it has nothing to  do with me blah blah blah i'll never get over it.i wish i could be more helpful but all i can say is i know how i feel.

Ladyinthewater
by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 10:55 PM

I love porn to be honest... but there is a time and a place and yo have to be honest with your other about it... I am also bi sexual, but heres' the thing there is nothing wrong with porn and really don't look at it how your looking at it... I did at one point,... My husband watches it and as much as i love it and as much as i watch it I watch it with my husband he doesn't included me at all and it hurts so much i found a site today that i was like WTF we have had this convo... I try not too look at it as he is lusting over other women or im not the one anymore cuase i know thats not it... But i get where you are coming from... it sounds like he has always done it and lied about it and that sucks that a brech of trust. he's not gonna stop thou. I can tell you that much... I would just try and ignore it think nothing of it... I do but it sounds like he has more of an addiction then anything .... watchyour CC...

 

you can't control what he does... unless you put locks on your computer...

I am a almost 30 yr old mommy I am a SAHM that's hates her life as just a mommy and a wife I love my son to death he is my heart and soul I love my husband and he is my honey bunches of oats. my mom and my sister are my best friend. i do spank my child i do support making marijuana legal i don't believe in CIO and I think the ERFing is stupid, I let my kid eat what he wants and play video games i am not here for your approval but i do like a good debate ya don't like it tough you wanna know more cool




K.a.C.87
by on Sep. 7, 2009 at 11:03 PM

im really really sorry! :( :(

i dated this guy for a year. i knew he watched porn, but said he did just because he was single...okay no biggie....hes with me now....well months past and i always kinda peeked at his "collection" i noticed it kept getting bigger and bigger....dvd's and magazines!!!

and yes, i ALWAYS bitched about it.....he got sex ATLEAST once a day if not more!!! he started off with the free dvd's from the magazines, then went up to the dvd's for $25 then $50...it NEVER stopped!! until one day i really snapped at him because he would YELL at me when i wanted to go out to eat, but he could spend hundreds of dollars on porn! he then said he would burn his magazines and lock up his dvds.....gave me the key... "the only key"  so i started to trust him again. until one day i got curious and checked....and OMG he had 20ish at first.....got rid of them and the slowly came back....when he locked them i didnt check for months. i believed him!! then i checked...and OVER 50 DVDS!!! OMG and ALL of the receipts in there (over $300)!!!!!! i couldnt take it and honestly broke up with him for it......


no with you, this is your husband....tell him how it makes you feel.....ask him to ask for sex if he wants it....tell him he NEEDS to be honest with you. im really sorry u went thru this....it is rough...ive been thru it....thinking of porn just makes me sick to my stomach now when i had no problem with it before.......i really wish u luck hunny (sorry for this being so long)


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