Just looking for some advice (sry if its long)
Ok so i am going to apologise in advance for this being a long post. Im just looking for some marital advice AND YES i appreciate opinions on the matter, but on another website i asked for advice and pretty much was all but set on fire....
My huband and I have been having alot of issues lately (mostly about money it seems) its pretty much been an uphill battle since i went off to training (for the army reserves) back in september 06. At the moment we are both military members, he is active duty and i am a reservist. We love each other alot, and we are always going to. But our fights have gotten to the point where he has drawn up divorce papers, fueled by teh fact that I kicked him out bc things started to get pushy. Since he has been living in the barracks and i have been living in the apartment, we get along a lot better than we have been. He comes over to hang out, and lately has been spending the night, without me having to ask. I guess it was decided (mostly by him) since were 6 months pregnant and there is alot of stress going on in our marriage (i have already ended up in the ER once due to stress) ( and there is alot of stress going on back at my parents ) and there really isnt any one in the state that im in (We currently are in arizona, we are originally from mass) that can be there for me besides him, that im going to go live with my parents back in mass until the baby is born, and my husband will fly to mass for the birth and take a months leave to be with me and the baby. It is then, that we are supposed to figure out wether or not we are actually going to divorce or i will move back with him and stay married.
Im really begining to rethink this moving back stuff. I kinda feel as tho i would be running away from the poblem rather than fixing what is going on between us. This whole moving back thing has seemed to have set my life on hold, i havent gotten a job bc of the fact i figured that im moving soon (all of the divorce talk has been going on since august 18th) and it just kepts getting dragged out until finally a plane ticket was purchased. My husband thinks that its the best option, and im starting to get the feeling that once i leave the state, he isnt going to even attempt to work on the marriage. Am i giving up by leaving? And if i dont leave arizona, my parents are going to flip out bc they have been who i have been talking to about this whole ordeal, so they pretty much hate my husband. My dad has stated to my mother that if i go back to him (my hubby) then i have lost all of his support. My friends have pretty much told me im stupid if i dont come home... I dont want a divorce. I also dont want to not live with my husband...or have him NOT around for the last 3 months of the pregnancy. I asked him about moving back in toghether and he said that all he can see us doing is fighting all the time, and we will have to see.....i just.. am seriously torn. And i want to confront my husband on the subject and recently i have been holding my tongue bc i want it to work more than anything. I can forgive and forget.....
My huband and I have been having alot of issues lately (mostly about money it seems) its pretty much been an uphill battle since i went off to training (for the army reserves) back in september 06. At the moment we are both military members, he is active duty and i am a reservist. We love each other alot, and we are always going to. But our fights have gotten to the point where he has drawn up divorce papers, fueled by teh fact that I kicked him out bc things started to get pushy. Since he has been living in the barracks and i have been living in the apartment, we get along a lot better than we have been. He comes over to hang out, and lately has been spending the night, without me having to ask. I guess it was decided (mostly by him) since were 6 months pregnant and there is alot of stress going on in our marriage (i have already ended up in the ER once due to stress) ( and there is alot of stress going on back at my parents ) and there really isnt any one in the state that im in (We currently are in arizona, we are originally from mass) that can be there for me besides him, that im going to go live with my parents back in mass until the baby is born, and my husband will fly to mass for the birth and take a months leave to be with me and the baby. It is then, that we are supposed to figure out wether or not we are actually going to divorce or i will move back with him and stay married.
Im really begining to rethink this moving back stuff. I kinda feel as tho i would be running away from the poblem rather than fixing what is going on between us. This whole moving back thing has seemed to have set my life on hold, i havent gotten a job bc of the fact i figured that im moving soon (all of the divorce talk has been going on since august 18th) and it just kepts getting dragged out until finally a plane ticket was purchased. My husband thinks that its the best option, and im starting to get the feeling that once i leave the state, he isnt going to even attempt to work on the marriage. Am i giving up by leaving? And if i dont leave arizona, my parents are going to flip out bc they have been who i have been talking to about this whole ordeal, so they pretty much hate my husband. My dad has stated to my mother that if i go back to him (my hubby) then i have lost all of his support. My friends have pretty much told me im stupid if i dont come home... I dont want a divorce. I also dont want to not live with my husband...or have him NOT around for the last 3 months of the pregnancy. I asked him about moving back in toghether and he said that all he can see us doing is fighting all the time, and we will have to see.....i just.. am seriously torn. And i want to confront my husband on the subject and recently i have been holding my tongue bc i want it to work more than anything. I can forgive and forget.....
Posted by
on Sep. 21, 2007 at 5:09 PM
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by
on Sep. 21, 2007 at 5:18 PM
I would say that you should stay apart. If you two are arguing all the time then it wont be good for the baby to be around later on. Just think about your baby and what would be best in the long run.
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by
on Sep. 21, 2007 at 5:32 PM
My advice is, is it worth it ? Do you love him enought to be there ?
I fight with my husband alot, I can be really hard headed, and it's hard for me to admit I'm wrong. But, I came to realize how much I love him and I love my kids, and they need their dad. I had to learn what battles I really needed to have a voice about, and which ones were not important to ruin a marriage over. Believe me it's hard, but I like you, he's all I got where I live. I let other people influence what I should think about when I get mad at him instead of just talking to him about things and leaving others espaecially family out of it. I hope I have helped.
I fight with my husband alot, I can be really hard headed, and it's hard for me to admit I'm wrong. But, I came to realize how much I love him and I love my kids, and they need their dad. I had to learn what battles I really needed to have a voice about, and which ones were not important to ruin a marriage over. Believe me it's hard, but I like you, he's all I got where I live. I let other people influence what I should think about when I get mad at him instead of just talking to him about things and leaving others espaecially family out of it. I hope I have helped.
by
on Sep. 21, 2007 at 5:37 PM
Normally, I do not speak so directly on such personal matters but....for what it is worth...there is more to this than meets the eye. He has made all these plans...not the two of you together. I smell a rat and it is coming from his direction. I know, I know. He will convince you otherwise and you want to believe him so badly that you will..and that is fine. Sometimes, we really have to learn the hard way. But, I honestly feel as though he has made up his mind about the marriage but is putting it off for now..either because of the pregnancy or because he is too chicken or he thinks you will make the hard decision for him and he won't have anything to feel guilty about. Too, getting you back home is giving him space and time and no problem to deal with at the moment.
As an aside, I do not agree with the ultimatum that your father has put forth...You have to make these decisions for yourself. On one hand, going back home may be the best thing in the long run. You may see things clearer or learn more than you imagined to. On the other hand...as you say...running from a problem is not the answer and he knows that, too. Which tells me..well..let's leave it at that.
However, going or staying and being so stressed and worried is VERY harmful to the baby. You have to know that and make the decision with that in mind. Your husband cannot make you go if you don't want to. Just prepare yourself for whatever may come with either decision YOU make. If support is what you need now and a caring ear or shoulder..go where you have that.
Lots of love!
As an aside, I do not agree with the ultimatum that your father has put forth...You have to make these decisions for yourself. On one hand, going back home may be the best thing in the long run. You may see things clearer or learn more than you imagined to. On the other hand...as you say...running from a problem is not the answer and he knows that, too. Which tells me..well..let's leave it at that.
However, going or staying and being so stressed and worried is VERY harmful to the baby. You have to know that and make the decision with that in mind. Your husband cannot make you go if you don't want to. Just prepare yourself for whatever may come with either decision YOU make. If support is what you need now and a caring ear or shoulder..go where you have that.
Lots of love!
by
Michelle
on Sep. 21, 2007 at 5:39 PM
I can see how you'd be torn, but I get the feeling from what you said that he's really not that interested in working things out. If he were, he'd be asking you to stay so you can go to counseling or something and try to work on things, not shipping you across the country. And you're right, you definitely do not need all the stress. Besides, going home and putting some distance between you might put things in perspective for you. I know your situation is different, but I want to tell you this anyway. My sister 'accidentally' got pregnant, she was engaged to the father but was having second thoughts about marrying him. But she did it anyway because of the baby. Now she's miserable, he abuses her (physically and mentally), she's depressed, he does nothing to help her with the baby or financially, and finally last week she told him she wanted a divorce. I'm telling you this because you said you would wait until the baby was born to decide whether or not to stay together. Just because you have a baby together does not mean you need to be married. A baby isn't a sudden miracle that makes a marriage better. A baby is a blessing, but it's hard work, and can actually put more stress on a marriage. I'm a big believer in a child being better off with divorced parents if all they do is fight when they're married. My parents had a bad a marriage and I spent my childhood wishing they'd split up so there would be less screaming and fighting. Anyway, that's just my opinion and I wish you luck.
by
on Sep. 21, 2007 at 5:43 PM
I think it's the heat. I live in Arizona too and my husband and I have been fighting about money as well. It's sooo hard. I feel for ya girl!
I think you should leave and get the support you need from your friends and family. If he really loves you, he will miss you and try to work it out (whether you come back to AZ is possible too). Maybe both of you need your space right now. I think you guys will work it out, especially when the baby comes...that will bond you two together for the moment.
I think about divorce as well, but then I think to myself, if we do get divorced and he remarries, do I really want her to have a step-mom? What if she is mean to my girl and I can't be there to see it happen and protect her?
I think you should leave and get the support you need from your friends and family. If he really loves you, he will miss you and try to work it out (whether you come back to AZ is possible too). Maybe both of you need your space right now. I think you guys will work it out, especially when the baby comes...that will bond you two together for the moment.
I think about divorce as well, but then I think to myself, if we do get divorced and he remarries, do I really want her to have a step-mom? What if she is mean to my girl and I can't be there to see it happen and protect her?
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Is it just me, or... ?
- jessdamian77
on Sep. 21, 2007 at 5:09 PM