5 positives to neutralize 1 negative, 20 positives to 1 negative to equal happiness

[KayMMIV]

So some of you know that I occasionally contract for a government funded program to teach at risk families (couples and individuals who are pregnant or have children who meet certain demographic requirements) and couples healthy relationship and communication skills. My personal preferred position is to coach (working one on one with the couples or individuals who need a little extra help or a different perspective on the training, curriculum or skills), but I teach also.

This last weekend I was teaching and when we were discussing the 5 to 1 and 20 to 1 statistics they really got into a very thought provoking conversation that I've continued to think about yesterday and today. The 5 to 1 and 20 to 1 comes from a lot of research and studies that basically say that couples who experience roughly 20 or more positives in their relationships for everyone one negative have the healthiest and happiest relationships and that would the 'goal' for trying to obtain a happy relationship. That it takes five positives just to neutralize one negative, but not to then add to the positive side of the relationship. So couples who experience 5 positives to 1 negative through couples who experience 19 postives for one negative- while they don't have bad or unhappy, unhealthy relationships- they also don't have the ideal happy relationships (of course with those being closer to 5 to 1 having less so then those being closer to 19 to one and remember these are averages based on studies- couples like people vary). Anything below 5 to one, and of course once you get to where negatives are higher numbers then positives, is normally a very unhappy, unhealthy relationship- severity depending.

So the idea is that if you say one mean thing to your husband it will take five nice things to just make up for the one mean thing, then another 15 nice things to completely offset it and put you back in the happy, healthy relationship stage. Now that may seem really hard, but it's not honestly- my experience is being nice to each other is habit as much as being mean can be. So people when they first hear that are like that's impossible, but it's rather easy if you are using healthy relationship and communication skills because then one- just because you are disagreeing doesn't mean you are having a fight and most days you never do or say anything mean, most days you are happy, being polite and nice (thank you dear, please baby, what a great job you did, ect...) so if you are in those habits of appreciating each other the negatives are over set and brought back to positive territory almost indefinitely.

But I digress. I was thinking about the discussion and the point one gentleman brought up was maybe that was why it was so hard to have a positive outlook on life, to have a positive feel good day. So many people in our culture are not very nice or polite to each other, then we turn on the television and there's all this violence and even when there's not violence there's still discourse. Most tv shows are not feel good or positive shows, most are about drama and heartache and intrigue. So if the 20 to 1 and 5 to 1 also applies to our experiences in general just like it applies to our experiences in our relationships you are faced with quite a conundrum. It's much harder to find 20 positive things when you go out and about to offset each time the store clerk is impatient with your question, or the cashier rolls her eyes when you ask to put something back, or the the person in the line in front of you give you or your kid a nasty look. It's difficult to find 20 positive things to offset every time you get a nasty pm from someone on cafemom, or someone's rude because they don't like your point of view. As a culture we are much quicker to cut people down then we are to tell them when we appreciate them. But if we need 20 positives to one negative then just that fact in our culture really deters that happening.

Anyways, I've always done so to an extent but I'm going to start activily trying to make sure we watch more postive shows when we do watch tv (although we don't watch it much as is, but when we do we tend to zoom in on things like Bones or House, which while interesting- is rather negative overall) And try to think about other ways to incorperate as much positive experiences into our lives as we can and limit the negative.

I just thought others might like the food for thought :)

[BarbaraAnn22]

Thank you so much for sharing these words of wisdom. Although I've never actually tallied events, I've somewhat always known that negative experiences need offsetting in order for a happy life. ;)

[DzineMama]

Words from Thich Nhat Hanh, mentioned in his book "The Heart of the Buddha's Teachings":

The ocean of suffering is immense, but if you turn around, you can see the land. The seed of suffering in you may be strong, but don't wait until you have no more suffering before allowing yourself to be happy.

When one tree in the garden is sick, you have to care for it. But don't overlook all the healthy trees. Even while you have pain in your heart, you can enjoy the many wonders of life - the beautiful sunset, the smile of a child, the many flowers and trees. To suffer is not enough. Please don't be imprisoned by your suffering. If you have experienced hunger, you know that having food is a miracle. If you have suffered from the cold, you know the preciousness of warmth. When you have suffered, you know how to appreciate the elements of paradise that are present.

If you dwell only in your suffering, you will miss paradise. Don't ignore your suffering, but don't forget to enjoy the wonders of life, for your sake and for the benefit of many beings.

These words changed my life and taught me that why yes the world is sick, there is also beautty... we can find joy, it's a choice, we must choose to "see the beauty" and fuel our hearts with love and compassion to continue to help others.

Martin Luther King Jr said:

Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.

Compassion means "to suffer with" according to Thich Nhat Hanh:

The essence of love and compassion is understanding, the ability to recognize the physical, material, and psychological suffering of others, to put ourselves "inside the skin" of the other.  We "go inside" their body, feelings, and mental formations, and witness for ourselves their suffering.  Shallow observation as an outsider is not enough to see their suffering.  We must become one with the subject of our observation.  When we are in contact with another's suffering, a feeling of compassion is born in us. Compassion means, literally, "to suffer with."

I believe if you truely love a person, that love is unconditional, that compassion is a must, and so I feel whether you are in a relationship with one person or aware of your relationship with the world, that you must accept that this sickness exists, forgive ignorance, and heal by spreading the cure... education, compassion, kindness, tolerance, etc...

"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."  Jesus, Luke 23:34

So I don't know about satistics, I agree with the statement the man said, yes it's very difficult to be happy in a sick world, but what I do know is that it can be done and yes it's very difficuly and we can only start with ourselves... There is no I... there is only we... we are connected... to change the world... we must change ourselves.